Bonded, Yet Separate: The Journey to Individual Identity in Twin Relationships
“So, is twin telepathy a real thing? Like can you two read each other’s minds?” — people in my life, distant and close.
The idea that there is a magical, extrasensory ability between twins where they can communicate telepathically always seems to fascinate general society. In my case, my fraternal twin sister, Ashley, and I do not share this power. *Note: fraternal twins develop from separate ova and are therefore genetically distinct unlike identical twins who share the same genes.* However, let it be known that Ashley and I did develop our own cultivated language as children which our parents have described as “alien-ish”. We did hug in the womb, we did throw excessive tantrums when placed in separate cribs, and we did produce our own “twin talk show” where we entertained each other with interview questions. We did everything together. Make of that what you will, but I can attest to a special twin closeness — a twin bond — that is esoteric and delicate.
Throughout this project, I will analyze the strength of the twin bond and the process many twins go through in search of an individual identity. I will synthesize my personal experiences and inter-twin relationship research to craft a timeline of a twin’s journey in finding balance between their shared and unique personalities.
To start, the twin bond needs to be evaluated. Barbara Klein, a clinical psychology researcher on twin attachment and USC alumna, details the complex, deep attachment twins share that is unique compared to a typical sibling attachment throughout her work. She states that “twin attachment is as primary as the mother-child attachment” which develops from lived childhood experiences into a natural interdependence (Klein). Essentially, Ashley and I were born married; our irreplaceable attachment is lifelong. This is not to say that our twin relationship is a symbol for joy, harmony, perfect balance, and fortune as various cultures, mythologies, and religious texts have indicated throughout history. I think the idealization of twinship by the general public makes the exploration of twins difficult and misunderstood. I’m sure Klein would agree.
As you can imagine, having the singular word “twin” represent two people is a lost cause in itself; it will never work. According to my family, teachers, friends’ parents… we were “the twins” — the “built-in best friends” that are lucky to have each other; a dynamic duo under the collective assumption of shared thoughts, dreams, and aspirations. But now at 20 years old, I currently have an empty relationship with my twin. I don’t usually bring her up in conversation which is ironic considering I am writing about twins. To contextualize: clinical depression, suicide, treatment centers… plagued our relationship. But this isn’t a storytime. I’m more interested in the transitional, in-between period twins go through growing up and its effects — balancing twinship with self and understanding my personal development.
A common process many siblings go through in adolescence is sibling de-identification, a psychological theory in which siblings intentionally differentiate themselves from one another to highlight unique characteristics. In a research study on sibling de-identification, twins often feel their sense of self is entirely dependent on their wombmate, and often, for better or worse, go through enormous, conscious effort to sever their bond (Lackner). Standard push-pull thinking would be: I like the color red because they like blue, or do I really like action movies, or is it because my twin hates them? Lackner further goes on to explain that this very effort to find oneself leads to a competitive road of greater confusion, low self-esteem, avoidance of emotions, and maladaptive coping strategies. While this limited research has merit (collectively the lack of inter-twin relationship research makes it ever more compelling to share my story), I believe the attempt to “sever” the twin bond at the expense of individual identity is more complicated and nuanced.
What I have learned being a twin is that the twin bond never breaks, no matter the feat. In my case, my twin’s mental health struggles (which is a writing project in itself) altered the Ashley I once knew. Our bond, one full of security, love, and shared identity, was shaken — as if one twin joined a reckless friend group and the other was left to pick up the pieces. Naturally, I did not want to be associated with her, and I was forced to confront myself and de-identify; however, my process of de-identification was not an abandonment but rather a recalibration of the relationship. I will not go down with her. What I had to do was redefine what our bond means in order to make room for myself.
What followed was separation anxiety disorder (S.A.D.), the excessive concern or worry from the actual or anticipated separation of an attachment figure. In her book, Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy, Klein examines this idea of separation anxiety, emphasizing the feeling of loneliness and a twins’ coping effort to seek out close relationships to “replace” their twin during sibling de-identification. And while separation anxiety will diminish with age and experience, it can never be completely taken out of their lives (Klein). I think Klein hits the nail on its head by encompassing the interplay between the psychological factors and the trauma S.A.D. entails. Klein’s conclusions completely validate my abundant, deep friendships I made throughout high school aided by my innate and large capacity for empathy — a skill common in twins from being raised emotionally and physically close to each other.
It was an attempt to mask the loneliness I felt with my twin — a coping mechanism — that Priscilla Dean, a licensed counselor and twin, similarly did during her identity journey. Yet within her friendships, Priscilla found herself “borrowing” friends’ interests and dreams and became obsessive in how she was perceived; her sense of worth was hinged on other people (Dean). While deep, my friendships ultimately distracted me from acknowledging my emotions. I was always at friends’ houses, transfixed at making everyone like me. That, along with workaholism, fueled my compulsive need to achieve — and it didn’t help that college applications encouraged and awarded this “ambition.” Altogether, the loneliness and lack of self-purpose twins feel can explain why fraternal twins are 25% more likely to experience depression (Baldessarini). I definitely fall into this statistic.
So, when a college advisor asked, “Well, what are you interested in?” I didn’t know how to answer. And when I finally got to USC, the first opportunity to create a vision solely for myself without anyone knowing I was a twin, I felt liberated and scared. I really didn’t know myself. The years of de-identifying and separation anxiety and loneliness and low self-esteem and deep (yet distracting) friendships that many twins face… I tricked myself into thinking I’m an independent individual. From talking with my peers, it’s evident college is the time for individual identity development, but I believe twins have twice the hill to climb. I had twice the hill to climb.
Tendencies were highlighted that I had to confront; my indecisiveness was one of them. Through months of psychotherapy, I was able to deductively reason my twinship in hindsight, and my research for this project has been affirming. For instance, a common theme in yet another Barbara Klein book, Not All Twins Are Alike: Psychological Profiles of Twinship, is how the competitive nature of twins when de-identifying leads to perfectionistic tendencies (Klein). Driven by a fear of failure, it is standard for perfectionists to be indecisive — which I am! Naturally, I was confronted with my indecisiveness in college, but never understood why. And while I’m sure this doesn’t imply sole causation, it is undeniable that the twin journey is a driving force. This is just one example of the deep, unique wounds twins face when evolving from each other that aren’t processed until physical separation (like college). At the core of all of them, when avoided emotions resurface, is resentment. And I think it’s paradoxical that the de-identification process, something twins intentionally choose, can make each sibling resentful.
This is where I am — resentment has put a strain on my twin relationship. However, I still feel a strong sense of connection and love that is inexplicable.
To end, a twin has an identity as a twin and an identity as an individual. The attempt to differentiate and balance what you know, your shared twin identity, with who you want to become is a delicate journey. Through it all, the dichotomy between my self-exploration and our esoteric attachment (despite everything) is a profound test of the inherent resilience of the twin bond. The bond cannot break, it can only evolve to reach new equilibrium. To accompany this theme throughout my essay, I have created a multimedia video project — which in itself has been therapeutic and eye-opening — that has left me looking forward to the future. With that, I think transforming a childhood twin identity into an adult twin identity is a tremendous task. I am eager to explore what lies ahead.
Works Cited
Baldessarini, R.J., and L. Tondo. “Fraternal Twin.” ScienceDirect, International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences, 2001, www.sciencedirect.com/topics/computer-science/fraternal-twin. Accessed 02 Feb. 2024.
Dean, Priscilla. “Twins: An Identity Journey.” Stenzel Clinical Services, 7 Oct. 2015, stenzelclinical.com/twins/. Accessed 02 Feb. 2024.
Klein, Barbara Schave. Not All Twins Are Alike: Psychological Profiles of Twinship. Praeger, 2003.
Klein, Barbara. Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy. Routledge, 2012.
Klein, Barbara. “Twin Closeness: A Deep and Often Misunderstood Attachment.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 6 Nov. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas/202311/twin-closeness-a-deep-and-often-misunderstood-attachment. Accessed 02 Feb. 2024.
Lackner, Jeffrey Mark, “The Family Context of Sibling Deidentification” (1990). Dissertations, Theses, and Masters Projects. William & Mary. Paper 1539625633. https://dx.doi.org/doi:10.21220/s2-3z1f-d784
