Books I’d Prescribe for Building Self-Love
Reviewing the self-development books that impacted me the most
My obsession with self-help books began when I used to read Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul in middle school. In the decade that’s passed since those days, I’ve read a lot of self-help books in the quest for deeper understanding and acceptance of myself. I narrowed them down to an ultimate, powerful group of what I would call “my self-love foundation kit” because they are the most impactful and meaningful books I have discovered in the self-development genre thus far. I have compiled a review and recommendation of these books, ones that are essentially sacred to me, in hopes of sharing the resources that have helped me so much on my journey with self-love.
I organized my annotations into specific categories that answer why I recommend, praise, and thank these sources. The questions are answered in 4 ways for each book: 1) About the book which gives some brief overview and main takeaways, 2) Notable Quotes which give a sample of the material, 3) Why I loved it which gives my personal investment and gain from the book, and 4) Who should read it which suggests some possible reasons for reading this book.
The Books:
i) The Four Agreements — Don Miguel Ruiz
Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The Four Agreements. Center Point Pub.
About the book: (Ruiz et al., 1997)
In The Four Agreements, Ruiz (1997) draws from the spiritual wisdom of the Toltecs, a culture indigenous to Mexico in ancient times, to lay out a self-improvement (and therefore, life improvement) framework that is realistically applicable to our world today. This book inspires the reader to take ownership of their life, but not in a way that oversells productivity/hustle culture — instead, Ruiz (1997) digs deeper to access and process damaging agreements (i.e. limiting beliefs) that dampen your happiness and restrict self-love and provides four principle agreements to replace them with, and to live by.
Notable quotes:
“The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self abuse comes from self-rejection, and self rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don’t accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don’t accept others the way they are.” (Ruiz, 1997, p. 21)
The Four Agreements:
Be impeccable with your word
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best
Why I loved it:
Reading The Four Agreements (1997) feels like a reprogramming of your brain because of the direct, supportive yet blunt, instructions on universal yet functional ways to escape the negative spirals you’ve attached to, such as how to release judgment in order to enjoy self-acceptance. Ruiz (1997) offers a model for individual power, with prayers for “freedom” and “love” (p. 132–134), but most of the book feels like prayer itself because it evokes and materializes the dream of “heaven on earth” (p. 123) just by absorbing the information with an open mind and staying committed to the agreements as you commit to yourself. “Heaven on earth” is the version of your life that is not plagued by drama, self-pity, or fear. Mindsets that create “heaven on earth” entail a life that is rooted in and led by love. Our loving core is accessed and uncovered more by reading this book.
Who should read this book:
- anyone dealing with negative thought patterns (e.g. a harsh inner critic)
- anyone who is a perfectionist
- anyone who is anxious about other people’s opinions about them
- probably any adult
In The Four Agreements, the fog created by distractions and egoic attachments, such as identity wounds, is lifted, so we can remember the inherent worthiness and possibility of allowing ourselves to be happy, loving, and loved.
ii) all about love: new visions — bell hooks (2001)
hooks, bell. (2001). all about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
About the book:
bell hooks (2001) breaks down our conceptions of what love is and how our early development was critical in the formation of our beliefs and experiences associated with love throughout our lives. Exploring and uncovering widely held truths about love, hooks (2001) opens up the readers’ minds to the ways their beliefs about love could be clouding their perception or hindering their judgment in the very human quest for true love. Knowing yourself, loving yourself, and accepting yourself are connected to all different realms of life (from platonic to romantic to spiritual love) in the book, and hooks (2001) offers valuable wisdom that inspires perspective shifts that once helped her combat lovelessness and low self-worth.
Notable quotes:
“If we did not learn self-love in our youth, there is still hope. The light of love is always in us, no matter how cold the flame. It is always present, waiting for the spark to ignite, waiting for the heart to awaken and call us back to the first memory of being the life force inside a dark place waiting to be born — waiting to see the light” (hooks, p. 68)
“Using a working definition of love that tells us it is the action we take on behalf of our own or another’s spiritual growth provides us with a beginning blueprint for working on the issue of self-love. When we see love as a combination of trust, commitment, care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility, we can work on developing these qualities or, if they are already part of who we are, we can learn to extend them to ourselves” (hooks, p. 54)
Why I loved it:
I am a hopeless romantic and always have been, although I’ve recently stopped calling it “hopeless”. I used to think it would be too good to be true to be fully seen, heard, and loved by another person. When I first read this book a few years ago, I was struggling to see my self-worth, struggling to allow myself to fully open up because I held beliefs I was fundamentally unlovable. all about love: new visions (2001) invited me to explore my blockages and wounds surrounding love, and gave me a hand with reassuring (research-backed) and enlightening instructions on how to release or rewire those hindering narratives. When I reread this book recently, I’ve progressed so much in my self-love, also attracting the type of secure, receptive, and caring partner I would’ve once believed I was undeserving of, but I still found value in the wisdom offered by hooks (2001) because being in a meaningful partnership holds up a mirror to discover more about yourself than before. All love is “spiritual work”, including and especially self-love, and hooks (2001) is a freeing and deeply knowledgable voice sharing tools that changed my understanding of love and inherently changed my self-concept as well.
Who should read this book:
- anyone struggling with self-love (e.g. not feeling worthy of love)
- anyone who has closed their heart to protect themselves
- anyone confused or frustrated by sayings like “just love yourself!” and “if you don’t love yourself, you will be unable to love anyone else” (hooks, 2001, p. 53–54)
- anyone wanting to understand the connection between self-love and love in interpersonal relations in real contexts
- anyone who holds beliefs about self-love being inherently vain and selfish
- anyone, whether in a romantic relationship or not, or seeking or not
- probably any adult
For those who are open and willing to practice opening their hearts and rethinking the previous perceptions of love, all about love: new visions (2001) will stimulate self-reflection by awakening past memories or subconscious beliefs and bringing them to examination, leading to discoveries about what love could truly mean if we open our hearts, something extremely challenging after painful circumstances. hooks (2001) assures that despite any initial challenge, it is a doable option that will always “change” us for the better. By repeatedly referring back to self-love in her exploration of true love, hooks (2001) urges the reader to look inward, offering unique perspectives contrasting society’s ideals that incite external validation and blame shifting.
iii) Atlas of the Heart — Brené Brown PhD, MSW
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House Large Print.
About the Book:
Brené Brown is a scholarly researcher, a professor, a storyteller, an inspirational public speaker. Atlas of the Heart (2021) just combines all of those skills to curate a thoroughly supported directory of human emotions and how to communicate them. Brown (2021) distinguishes and defines expressions of different emotions that may have once seemed to have subtle or even unknown differences, yet the distinctions made in the atlas reveal substantial and impactful nuances. By learning how to express detailed and specific emotions, communication within one’s self (i.e. the “heart and the brain”) improves and can be extended towards all relational communication.
Notable Quotes:
“So often, when we feel lost, adrift in our lives, our first instinct is to look out into the distance to find the nearest shore. But that shore, that solid ground, is within us. The anchor we are searching for is connection, and it is internal.” (Brown, 2021, p. xxx)
“According to researchers Alice Huang and Howard Berenbaum…we can have high self-esteem but still be insecure if we’re overly critical of our imperfections. Because our self-esteem is an assessment of who we are and what we’ve accomplished compared to our values and our goals, even with high self-esteem we can still feel insecure if we’re self-critical” (Brown, 2021, p. 174)
Why I loved it:
Atlas of the Heart provides a precise map of how to navigate describing all of the many intense and vivid emotions we feel when immersed in human life. In current society, it doesn’t always feel natural or possible or safe to slow down enough to acknowledge and process our feelings without initially wanting to suppress or escape bigger feelings that bring discomfort, in order to prioritize perceived efficiency or normalcy. Combined with a general lack of understanding about exactly how to communicate one’s particular emotions due to a lack of education on emotional intelligence, emotion processing, and emotion communication, this book gives real, applicable definitions to enhance communication and self-understanding.
Who should read it:
- anyone who wants to be able to articulate their emotions better
- anyone wanting to understand their emotions better
- probably any adult
As I curated this selective list of essential books that influence and strengthen self-love, I acknowledge that there are many important and powerful texts about self-development that are not mentioned here, but the method behind choosing the items in this bibliography is intended to include resources that would be applicable to the most general population possible. By examining books that display and appreciate the interconnectedness of all humans, the crucial discovery is presented that we all have unique experiences that create an illusion of separation when we are all experiencing the same human condition. I kept this list short to avoid creating an overwhelming burden of self-improvement, to avoid adding to the illusion of excessive urgency when it comes to developing oneself. I have many more recommendations, but for that reason, I will save them for a separate “self-love enhancement kit (level 2)”.
References:
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House Large Print.
hooks, bell. (2001). all about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Ruiz, M., Mills, J., & Ruiz, M. (1997). The Four agreements. Center Point Pub.
