for the lost boys.

..who work out to find themselves and don’t know how to call death to their ego

I am taking a weight lifting class this semester — auditing it I should say because, despite my enrollment, I still do have a grasp on reality.

I wasn’t expecting that the class would be held in my university’s gym. I figured we’d be in an exclusive workout area with our own free weights and machines, or maybe even in a different room of the gym. Nope. I’m a bit delusional for thinking that I (me, personally) would actually reap the benefits of my tuition dollars, but regardless, we’re in a classroom and then we just go out on the floor to work out.

I want to introduce the concept of the “third place”. I didn’t invent this. The term, though it lacks an entirely ubiquitous definition, originates from the 1989 text The Great Good Place written by Ray Oldenburg.

The third place is a generic designation for a great variety of public places that host the regular, voluntary, informal, and happily anticipated gatherings of individuals beyond the realms of home and work. (Oldenburg, 16)

As Oldenburg defines it, if the home is the first place, work is the second place, then wherever you go to just be with others is your third place.

This class has provided me an interesting opportunity to observe the dynamics and behaviors of a college gym that I wasn’t historically privy to, especially considering I refused to stray from the treadmill/elliptical/sans-grunting parts of the gym.

I look around and, in a room full of people who seem so sure of their sets and circuits and routines, I can’t help but feel how lost everyone is. My perception isn’t a judgment, but rather proposing the idea that this aura of the gym is a byproduct for a larger phenomena in society. I walk around and see young men who grasp onto weights as a means for affirming themselves as a whole. I don’t pity them, but also I can’t hide my worry.

The spaces that Oldenburg said we, as a society, should lean on to experience our social enrichment and character growth (like bars, or barbershops) are ceasing to exist. For the young person, it may be COVID: shutting down business and social settings — overall condensing our first and second places (with the work/college from home of it all), nonetheless leaving room for any third place.

It may also be capitol hill: who ban teenagers from being able to roam around a shopping mall, as this 2023 Fortune and the Associated Press article highlights the cracking down of “teen mall unruly behavior”,

Starting April 18, Garden State Plaza in Paramus, New Jersey — the second largest mall in the state — is requiring anyone under 18 years old to be accompanied by a chaperone at least 21 or older on Fridays and Saturdays after 5 p.m. (D’Innocenzio, 2023)

It may also be capitalism, which slowly creeps its way into every space. We live in a world where a night at the theatre costs more than a flight on an airplane, juice bars are an old pastime, and table time limits in restaurants mean that dining somewhere no longer earns you the right to sit at the table as long as you may want to talk to your old friends.

The loss of the third place is not an original concept to me. There are many a YouTube video essay (like this one) that curate everything I said in much more detail with greater and even worldlier evidence. Yet, what I would like to offer is not the cause of the loss of the third place, but rather the effect, particularly on today’s late-teen male population and how it is further damaging the male psyche: enter the gym bro.

I’d like to assert that gyms operate as the modern-day young man’s third place and as time passes (and a GNC has officially set up shop in the USC Village) we are watching these broader concepts of ‘health’, ‘wellness’ and ‘fitness’ malign into a concoction of body odor and image issues.

Yet, on USC campus, as cultural centers close after working hours and clubs become more exclusive (i.e racist + prejudiced.. a story for another day), the gym stays open. Long into the night, young men grind and pump iron and attempt to find themselves through walls of mirrors, only reflecting a continually more distorted image the longer he looks.

Although built for everyone, gyms operate as a space of hypermasculinity and serve as a microcosm for patriarchy that exists in the modern world. The lack of decency often presented to non-straight-cis-men in gyms exemplifies a culture created that sees men not working out to appeal to the standards of women, but rather of other men.

A 2024 New York Post article details the story of a British online-workout instructor (@fitwithchaz on TikTok) in which a man placed a large dumbbell near her feet where she was performing an exercise — promptly ignoring her as she asked to have her space of the gym clear as she worked out. This might sound minute, however, it’s a small example of how women and other people outside traditional standards or masculine identities feel a wash of hostility baked into any interaction they have at the gym.

Yet, the comment section of the article was even more flooring. Men defended the behavior and testified to how they’ve never experienced disrespect against women in their gyms, as if they could be truly privy to it.

I’m not arguing that every man has disrespected a woman at the gym, but with the growing presence of women-only gyms around the nation — there seems to be an issue with the state of our current gym culture that some business owners are attempting to solve.

The feeling of exclusivity of a gym is intentional. Men (subconsciously even) and expectations of masculinity create an environment where they want gyms to be men-only because 1) they are a product of patriarchy that provides them with a view of women to be fragile and is against any want for them to be able to operate in society without them; 2) they don’t women to see them fail or sweat.

The loss of the third place has only further pushed men (particularly young ones) into these spaces as a mode of assimilation, ultimately a want to be lusted over by women — which sits only secondary to the desire to be respected by men.

Expectations of male strength and beauty (which are perpetuated by both men and women) further perpetuate sexism. Sexism is neither good for women nor men, despite the fact that men are beneficiaries of it. For centuries, men were carted off to foreign countries as bodies to die on behalf of the US government, fighting for things they don’t believe nor care about. Even though man (societal, large) has created patriarchy it is not good for man (mental, individual). His inherent benefits from sexism are a byproduct of larger hegemony which is intertwined with racism, classism, ableism, homophobia — all of which are meant to divide, marginalize and oppress on the basis of gaining power under capitalism.

This doesn’t excuse bad behavior but reckons with how men are made to feel about their place in society. Their self worth is bound how to much they can lift, or how fast they can run and often left at the margins are those (those being the majority of people in society) who can’t keep up with an impossible standard.

So. Where do we go?

I propose a death to the ego.

I can’t tell people to wake up and stop caring, because the world isn’t built this way; however, we have to make an active divestment from this culture.

At a basic level, our ego (in relation to our id and superego) is the rational. It interprets instinctual desire and informed morality, helping us to make decisions in life that are balanced and realistic. Lacking the psychopathy of an invasive id and the neurosis of an overactive superego. However, I’d argue our ego is broken — infected by society.

I feel that we need to re-center ourselves down to our most basic needs and universal morals.

To be alive.

To feel.

To treat with dignity and respect.

To find equality and understanding.

To love each other and ourselves.

I can’t make the malls open back up. I can’t change the fact that gyms are a real and pervasive part of society, but I can encourage people to rethink the way they exist within them. I can learn to cook without tracking every macronutrient. I can look to help the person struggling on the weightlifting machine, not ridicule them for not knowing how to use it. I can look to make a personal divestment from the aesthetics of weight lifting, sporting, exercise, diet and gym cultures, and refocus this to an emphasis on good health, rooting from strength in our vital organs — our hearts.

I can foster my other interests by going to local businesses, taking strange and new classes, and trying to connect with people where I can. None of these things are truly devoid of capitalism, but this is about steps in the right direction — not allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed by illusions of the downfall of society (even if it is for the better).

If you genuinely enjoy the gym, then work to empower those within it that struggle to exist at peace. If you don’t, then open yourself up to finding new possibilities and friends and interests and ways of nurturing your body that can’t be measured on a scale.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to the kids (ugh i know! cop-out alert), if or when I (or you) have them. Instilling them with values of unconditional acceptance and appreciation of their bodies, regardless of their appearance. Even if they are to enter spaces which are deemed ‘toxically masculine’, they realize (or always know) that they are enough.

I don’t say any of this to say that no one likes the gym. But I find it important to consider, do you like the gym? Or the validation you receive by being there? They aren’t one in the same.

If the gym is all we have for our third space, then at the very least — we should be allowed to be happy there. So if you still go, then rethink the way you act and feel there.

We deserve more. Your ego can die and all can be set free.

works cited:

D’Innocenzio, Anne, and The Associated Press. “Gen Z Teens Are so Unruly in Malls, Fed by Their TikTok Addiction, That a Growing Number Are Requiring Chaperones and Supervision.” Fortune, Meredith Corporation, 30 May 2023, fortune.com/2023/05/29/gen-z-teens-malls-adult-chaperones-garden-state-paramus-tiktok/.

Finlay, Jessica et al. “Closure of ‘third places’? Exploring potential consequences for collective health and wellbeing.” Health & place vol. 60 (2019): 102225. doi:10.1016/j.healthplace.2019.102225

Oldenburg, Ray. The Great Good Place: Cafes, Coffee Shops, Bookstores, Bars, Hair Salons, and Other Hangouts at the Heart of a Community. Marlowe and Company, 1999.

Sang, Elliot. Nowhere to Go: The Loss of Third Places, YouTube, 17 Aug. 2023, www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ku9csXhvJY.

Scanlan, Rebekah. “Man’s Gym Behavior Exposes ‘insane’ Problem Women Face While Working out: ‘This Reeks of Misogyny.’” New York Post, NYP Holdings Inc., 19 Jan. 2024, nypost.com/2024/01/18/lifestyle/mans-gym-act-exposes-insane-problem-women-face-while-working-out/.