WP1 REVISED: Introverts and Their Small Circle Social

Introverted people almost always have small social circles. I believe that this isn’t a choice so much as it is a byproduct of their way of life. Their innate habits, mannerisms, and personality traits impact the way in which introverted people develop relationships because they introduce barriers that prevent certain friendships from progressing. These barriers dissuade others, and sometimes the introverts themselves, from forming deep connections. As an introvert, I know that my subtle demeanor has discouraged people from getting to know me, and vice versa. For us, having a small social circle is par for the course.

Let’s first look at their quiet demeanor, the most notorious trait of introverted people. Introverts are quiet because they have a naturally reflective and introspective disposition. Their communication style leans more towards listening and observation than it does towards outward-facing behaviors. This usually has nothing to do with whether we feel negatively or positively about a situation; it’s just how we are. However, this is a primary reason why introverted people are often misunderstood. Many people mistake their quiet demeanor for rudeness, disinterest, or judgment. In a blog written by author and fellow introvert Michaela Chung, she says, “Most of the time, people misinterpret our quietness. They think we’re angry, depressed, or just plain snobby. But it’s usually none of the above’’ (IntrovertSpring.com). The intent behind our quietness is misconstrued, and it gives other people the impression that we don’t want to connect with them. This impacts introverted people’s relationship development because it deters people from wanting to get to know us. They view our quietness as a red flag that indicates some sort of bad motive.

I can recall an unforgettable memory from junior year of high school: I was speaking to a new acquaintance of mine that I had met through a club. I saw her standing at her locker one day, so I went over to say hello. Towards the end of the conversation, one of her close friends walked up, and the energy immediately shifted to an unpleasant state. This made me feel uncomfortable, and since our conversation was nearly over anyway, I told them to have a good day and walked away. After I had taken a few steps, I heard my new acquaintance say to her friend, “What?! She’s nice, I swear!” It was pretty mind-boggling for me to hear that because, clearly, they both had developed a strong, negative perception of me and had discussed it before.

This was unexpected because I had rarely ever spoken to either of them, but it makes me wonder why they thought I was quiet in their presence. They must have determined that I had some sort of ill-feeling towards them, or maybe they thought I was snobbish. Neither was true, but these two girls, with whom I had hardly interacted, had developed such an intense theory about who I was as a person based off of my reserved personality. They didn’t make the effort to get to know me, and after that experience, I wasn’t very interested in getting to know them. That’s two lost potentials from my social circle.

The quietness of introverts is also what leads many people to think that we are antisocial, though this is usually not the case. Rather, we are selectively social and enjoy making deep interpersonal connections. Introverted people find more value and pleasure in meaningful conversations over ones that seem pointless or shallow, like small-talk. In Chung’s book, The Irresistible Introvert, she writes, “Introverts avoid small talk because we know it is the white bread of conversation. There are no real nutrients in it, just empty calories” (Chung). Personally, I don’t like having conversations with strangers if I don’t see the benefits of it. If we don’t seem compatible as friends, or we won’t be working together in the future, then I’d rather not interact. Frankly, I would feel as though I was wasting unnecessary energy by engaging with them and would, therefore, be more comfortable in silence.

Inevitably, this limits the potential scope of my social circle. I technically could talk to a lot of random people and make a bunch of surface-level connections, but I don’t want to do that. Most introverts don’t. It goes against our nature and feels disingenuous and awkward. It’s not that we don’t want a lot of friends, it’s just that we don’t want a lot of fake “friends,” and would prefer to spend our energy nurturing the few friendships that add meaning and value to our lives.

Another reason why introverts tend to have small social circles is because we don’t go out much. We can hang out and have a good time, but just not too often, and when we do, we usually feel drained afterwards. To put it simply, social gatherings exhaust us because they conflict with our natural preference to listen and observe rather than to outwardly interact. This can be attributed to our dopamine levels. According to head and neck surgeon Rohini Radhakrishnan, “The brains of introverts show low dopamine (a brain chemical) levels when exposed to crowd and noise. This makes introverts uncomfortable or drained when exposed to crowds” (MedicineNet.com). Moreover, dopamine provides motivation to seek external rewards. Thus, introverts, who show lower levels of dopamine, are motivated more by intrinsic factors than they are by extrinsic ones. As a result, they access greater degrees fulfillment in environments with low levels of external stimulation.

This does not mean that introverts do not like to socialize. Rather, it means that they expend much more energy during socialization than others do. Socialization can feel good in the moment, but can lead to stress and burnout, leaving introverts feeling drained post-socialization. Too much of this draining sensation causes introverts to be increasingly more reluctant to go out. Consequently, when they choose to stay in, they miss out on a lot of opportunities to bond with other people and build strong connections, thus decreasing their chances of developing new friendships.

I can definitely relate to this. A few semesters ago, I took a jazz class and really connected with the other students. Me and three other girls got pretty close, and we started scheduling time to hang out — interactive theatre shows, parties, football games, etc. I went to a couple of the events, but it soon became too much for me. I initially went out with them to show that I was making an effort and wanted to be friends, but the more frequently we’d hang out, the more drained I’d feel afterwards. Eventually, I started “not being able to make it” and subsequently stopped getting invitations. Needless to say, we lost contact and I haven’t spoken to them in months. That’s three less people in my social circle.

In order to deal with the mental, emotional, and sometimes even physical exhaustion that follows prolonged social engagement, introverted people have to recharge during their alone time. This may sound unusual or dramatic, but it is true. Socialization can leave introverts feeling overstimulated and anxious, even when they enjoyed it. Contrastingly to dopamine, acetylcholine (also a neurotransmitter) calms and relaxes, and it tends to show up in higher levels in introverted people. Acetylcholine “makes a person feel good when they’re calm, quiet and introspective,” which allows introverts to reflect and focus without a lot of external noise” (HenryFord.com). This is why introverts recharge during their alone time and enjoy reflective activities that slow down their brain and heart rate, such as reading, yoga, crafting, and journaling. It helps them relax and disconnect from the chaos of the outer world. Moreover, being alone is essential for re-energizing because it allows introverts to process the recent experiences they’ve had with others and focus on their inner world.

During this time, which can last hours, days, or weeks in extreme cases, introverts want to engage in little to no social interaction. I have been known to avoid texts and calls for days on end during my periods of recharge. There have also been times when I’ve given disclaimers to my closest friends letting them know that I’ll be “off the grid” for about a week and telling them not to be concerned. This need for isolated recharge makes it challenging to build new friendships, especially when other people don’t understand why you’re suddenly choosing not to be around them. They may think they’re being ghosted and feel disrespected. If the introvert tries to explain to them why they are pulling back for a bit, the other party might believe it’s just a padded way of saying “I don’t want to be your friend” and decide not to be involved with them anymore.

Both of these cases usually result in a loss of friendships, especially ones in their early stages. The few people who can respect and understand these boundaries end up being the one or two who become a part of the introvert’s inner circle. In this way, having a small social circle isn’t a choice. It’s not that the introverts don’t want to be friends with these people. They didn’t kick them out or have any confrontation with them. It’s just that they don’t need or want to be around them all the time because their greatest fulfillment comes from within. When this is hard for people to grasp, they look for friendships elsewhere.

Introverted people prefer to listen to and observe their environments rather than outwardly engage with them. As a result, they are quiet, prudent, and introspective, which is why they tend to be misunderstood and have small social circles. It’s not that introverts explicitly choose to have only a few friends, but it is more of a natural occurrence that results from their reflective temperament. Their preference for quiet and solitude limits the amount of social interactions they expose themselves to, thus lowering their opportunities to meet new people. When they do begin to form new friendships, many are filtered out usually because the social aspect is too encompassing or because the relationship doesn’t fulfill them in a purposeful way. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a thing, and most introverts are completely content with their small social circle.

Work Cited

Chung, Michaela. “7 Annoying Ways People Misunderstand Introverts.” Introvert Spring,

5 Sept. 2018, introvertspring.com/7-annoying-ways-people-misunderstand-introverts/.

Chung, Michaela. The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud

World. Skyhorse Publishing, 2016.

H.F. Staff. “Introvert or Extrovert? How Your Personality Type Can Impact Your Brain.” Henry

Ford Health — Detroit, MI, 8 Sept. 2022, www.henryford.com/blog/2022/09/introvert-or-extrovert.

Radhakrishnan, Rohini. “How Do You Tell If You Are an Introvert?” MedicineNet,

MedicineNet, 8 Dec. 2020, www.medicinenet.com/how_do_you_tell_if_you_are_an_introvert/article.htm.