WP2: Relationships After Witnessing Divorce

Developing a relationship with a significant other is something most people experience. Every person has a different experience. The divorce of two parents affects a child’s conceptualization of relationships and can affect the way they develop their relationships. I was wary of engaging in a serious relationship after witnessing the downfall of my parents. I was curious to know if it was just me. I have a few friends that have divorced parents. Seeing their parent’s relationships as I grew had me wondering if my disturbed image of relationships was specific to my experience. My friends whose parents had successfully executed divorces seemed to engage in relationships more frequently than those with significantly worse experiences. I sat with a friend and discussed his stance on relationships. Stemming from a childhood of divorce, he had his own opinions on engaging in a serious relationship. What separated us was that his parent’s divorce was better executed. His involvement in the process was minuscule in comparison to mine.

I began to think about how people are affected by this experience and how it affects their intimacy and involvement in relationships. I created a survey to find out more. The goal was to understand outside perspectives and how it changes as time passes. Composed of open-ended questions, I discovered a lot about people. I had a mix of multiple-choice, free-response, and selection questions that explored various parts of intimacy and caution regarding relationships. I got more responses than anticipated: eighteen, with fifteen of them filling in the free-response sections. In turn, I was able to learn from a lot of differing experiences.

My initial question asked about their current view. Most people responded as expected, experiencing divorce as a child skewed their view of relationships. Although results differed, a common consensus when asked to elaborate was that their childhood views had changed. One anonymous person responded, “It made me lose the idea of marrying a ‘high school sweetheart’”. This is something I was a big believer in until recently. Letting go of perceptions from childhood is something that I experienced as well. It was clear that people that answered yes to this question felt the same way. It is pretty easy to believe these things growing up; people learn that this is not always the case. For some, like myself, a pretty hard-hitting way to figure this out is by seeing a relationship fall apart before your eyes.

Those who said “No, it didn’t” or “My parents are not divorced” offered an interesting perspective. Their take showcased what a healthy divorce can look like and what divorce can look like from an outside perspective. These were also the same people that engaged in more relationships. A question that I asked towards the end regarded the number of relationships they have been in since their experience.

Next, I was interested to understand their take on intimacy. How one defines intimacy and how it factors into their perception. To further explore this thought, I asked about their level of caution when entering a relationship and engaging in what is to be considered “normal” tendencies. In my experience and research, normal tendencies include expressing feelings, having meaningful and truthful conversations, and being intimate. One respondent explained that their experience affected their outlook on marriage and how it would affect their children in the long run. This was particularly interesting because this respondent said “No” to the first question. Their experience dictates how they currently engage in relationships: short-term dating because they do not like to waste time. It could lead to them potentially getting hurt. I believe this is a result of being closed off. It’s evident this person is more cautious than others and understands the risks involved with relationships.

My favorite part of this survey was understanding one’s definition of intimacy. This question had the widest variety of answers and I was very impressed when reading their responses. Sensuality, respect, love, closeness, trust, and transparency were common responses. My definition of intimacy is similar. Growing close to your partner by expressing yourself, developing trust, and comfortably engaging in tendencies with the connection. It was necessary for me to ask this because intimacy is an important aspect of a relationship. I believe it is important in developing a relationship correctly. Holding such importance, it is clear to see the variety of responses. The survey accurately portrays the difference in the experience of all of those who took it. Intimacy and how it is viewed are exemplary of the individual.

I then was curious to see how divorce factors into their views on intimacy. Before publishing the survey, I had expectations that most respondents would agree with me: divorce played a huge part in my level of intimacy with my partner. The responses to this question were the biggest shock to me. Sixteen percent of people said “Yes, it did affect my level of intimacy” while thirty-three percent said, “No, it didn’t”. The rest of the responses were individuals explaining their experiences. The responses gave me insight into how people develop. As people grow older and better understand their past, they learn to cope. They explained that they did not allow their past experiences to overcome their feelings. One respondent said, “When I am in a serious intimate relationship, I constantly remind myself that just because my parents are divorced, it doesn’t mean the outcome of my relationship will be the same”. Another respondent said that they do what their parents did not, and show affection at a constant rate. I was impressed with these responses because I liked learning the ways people have developed.

Development lead me to another question. I asked where individuals have developed and where they still need development (regarding the severity of their situation). This would give me a good representation of people’s past, current state, and future. It’s important to recognize one’s journey with coping and self-awareness. Similar to the last question, this one surprised me because of the variety in every answer. Not one person had the same answer. I found it interesting to learn about everyone’s individual experiences. The responses helped me notice aspects of myself. I learned that I tend to put everyone before myself, no matter how detrimental it is to my mental health and well-being. Seeing that this was a big issue for someone else was eye-opening.

I finally asked how many relationships people have been in following the incident of their parents. People who had engaged in various relationships had a better understanding of their parent’s divorce. Those who answered “3–5” offered were the ones that had a deeper understanding/explanation of their beliefs of intimacy and takeaways from their experience. This makes sense. As people progress and engage in relationships, they tend to slowly accept the situation and get more comfortable engaging in what are considered “normal tendencies” of a relationship.

Before conducting my research, it was a little difficult for me to conceptualize any other feelings towards divorce other than my own. What I learned about relationships is specific to me and it was interesting to see how every single respondent had a completely different experience. I considered the survey to be a storyline. I wanted to explore how people change due to divorce in regard to their past, current, and future lives. A few answers were lacking in information. They seemed not to have been bothered by their parent’s divorce as much. Every experience contributed a great deal to my development in understanding. It was an exciting moment to read these responses because I found a bit of myself in each one. My curiosity has evolved and I now have more to reflect on regarding my experience.