WP3: Everyone Has Their Own Story

“Everyone has their own story.” is a common phrase with a lot of meaning. It may seem simple but this phrase digs deep. Identity is unique and can never be replicated; the path to self-discovery varies. This journey to self-identification is morphed by a lifetime of experiences, especially throughout childhood and adolescence. Children are very receptive to what they are surrounded by; these experiences factor into shaping virtues and beliefs that guide them to figure themselves out. More significant experiences will carry more weight, affecting a child’s development and path to adulthood. Traumatic experiences, such as divorce, are some of the most life-altering. Children involved in a divorce have significantly higher chances of anxiety disorders, disturbances in growth, and psychological issues because it alters the stable home environment where a child should be raised. These are contributing factors to the process a child will go through as they near coming of age. Adolescence is a stage of development where a child is vulnerable. If a child of divorced parents is not nurtured in an environment where they can thrive, they will carry their negative experiences into their journey to coming of age.

The severity of the divorce that a child experiences alter their ability to concentrate on being a child. Children must be surrounded by a positive environment where they can develop proper skills, values, and standards. As childhood comes to an end and the child enters the transitional stages to adulthood, these values reflect their past and factor into their coming-of-age process. How the divorce was handled and the involvement of the child will shape their priorities and begin to align with their experience of growing up. When engaging in relationships, children of divorce will be increasingly cautious compared to others. Using their parent’s relationship as an example, their commitment levels are decreased. A study on the influence of divorce on adolescent anxiety states that adolescence is a stage of rapid transformation where ideals are marked by witnessing failure (Tahirović, Demir, 2017). Failure of their parent’s relationship leaves them confused about their values and ideals because they want to be independent but don’t have a solid sense of security.
The failure of my parent’s marriage left me an anxious and distraught child altering my views. I developed characteristics that would ultimately lead me down the wrong path when it came to self-discovery. I found myself behind other children, confused about the person I should be, and developing bad habits. Concentrating on the person I did not want to become took a toll on my life. Instead of having a worry-free childhood, I was encompassed in court cases, therapy sessions, and heavy conversations that only got worse as I entered adolescence and beyond. Nonetheless, these experiences have served as a guide, allowing me to develop specific values and principles. It is important to consider consequential behaviors and how they will factor into a child’s future. Coming of age is an important time in a child’s life and the experiences associated with divorce will affect their path to self-discovery, ultimately sculpting the person they will become.

Factors that influence an individual’s self-identification create a unique definition for the term coming of age. Yael Klein of Evolve Treatment Centers writes that divorce is the second most traumatic experience a child can experience following a parent’s death (Klein, 2020). Adolescents of divorced parents show increased psychosomatic symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, ultimately affecting their self-esteem, wellbeing, and views on relationships (Klein, 2020). These issues are a cause for concern as they stunt a child’s proper progression towards self-discovery and coming of age. A Northern California study on children of divorce found that young adults of divorced parents have a statistically higher rate of putting off marriage and were more susceptible to marital instability. The majority of the children involved in the study were concerned about their ability to select marital partners, some of which had spent “uncounted hours thinking about these issues”. These children’s personal experiences and the high divorce rates intensified their anxiety about commitment and love (Wallerstein, 1985).
In my previous research, I found that many children of divorced parents have a skewed view of relationships because of witnessing the failure of a relationship. A sense of failure in adolescence will have lasting effects. Much like my own experience, there is reluctance in engaging in relationships because of fear. Those who have witnessed failure in parental relationships have a larger concern about failure in their aspects of life. Other children noted that they had significant parts of their childhood sacrificed to their parent’s divorce (Wallerstein, 1985). This included sacrificing friendships, mental health, time for school, and more. Their time and effort would instead be directed towards loneliness, harmful behaviors, and taking care of siblings. Taking away from what is considered to be a “normal” path to self-discovery, children of divorce concentrate on the things that would repress their growth.
As a child of therapy, I would regularly voice my negativity toward my parent’s divorce, referring to myself as “the pig in the middle.” I spent the majority of my time being a messenger for my parents. Caught up in these thoughts, I was not as engaged as other children and, in later years, found myself to be awkward with a few friends. My research shows that the majority of children from divorced parents relatively high in severity endured similar repercussions. A child’s journey to coming of age is often overlooked when parents engage in a divorce. It is common knowledge that their mental health is at risk, but the lengths at which divorce affects them are unknown and require deeper thinking to conceptualize what may result. Especially in the adolescence stage, numerous factors are at stake that heavily influences values, characteristics, and principles that will guide them to their identity.

As children enter adolescence, they progressively develop a set of specific values that will shape their being. Their values are a base on which they will develop for the rest of their lives. Adolescence is a highly-influenced developmental stage in one’s life where children will ultimately discover their identities and try to become independent (Tahirović, Demir, 2017). It is at this time that the mind is incredibly receptive to information and experiences so a stable family environment is imperative to proper development. In a study of the principles of child development and motivations, researchers found that neural connections develop most rapidly in early childhood (NSCDC, 2018). Properly developed neural connections dictate their personalities, decisions, and values.
Scientists identified two different types of motivations that promote brain development in children, approach motivation and avoidance motivation. A child’s level of engagement and response to these motivate their level of development. Divorce is a large factor in the trigger of these motivations and assumes a role in a child’s values and principles. Divorce is considered to be an avoidance motivation: the brain will release norepinephrine and other stress hormones in response to traumatic experiences. In turn, this results in a range of disorders, including attention deficit/hyperactivity, depression, substance abuse, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress (NSCDC, 2018). All of which factor into a child’s virtues. Well-grounded, positive values will help a child confidently embark on their journey to come of age. Forming a strong root of positive virtues will support the positive characteristics of a child, aiding them in individual development. It is during this developmental period of childhood and adolescence that a child will establish positive self-esteem, form strong relationships, thrive in mental health, learn to express feelings and emotions, and flourish in an outgoing environment (Phillips, Shonkoff, 2000). A study on the developing brain continues to suggest that the nervous system depends on constructive childhood experiences. If these experiences are chaotic, a child may develop visual impairment, auditory processing problems, motor delays, and other deficits (Phillips, Shonkoff, 2000).
The level of trauma experienced by children dictates the severity of issues and personality development. It is interesting to compare my twin brother’s experience to my own. He was subject to physical and mental abuse on a more extreme scale and at a younger age. When he failed at doing something, my father would resort to physical harm, leaving my brother in fear of trying again. He instinctively learned to stop trying when he failed. This led to his extreme shyness, anxiety, and reserve in normal activities. He is now only involved in things that provide immediate comfort and security. My failures were dealt with less physical harm and the difference between my brother and I can be seen today.
It is common for children of divorce to resort to things that provide immediate results; the child’s brain grows accustomed to only what they’re good at, resulting in a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset is a result of avoidance motivation and leads children to seize the development of virtues. In turn, they hold onto immature, adolescent principles that they will find more difficult to change as they grow. What can be considered immaturity is prolonged and correlates to the path a child takes towards self-identification. The role divorce plays is immense and is due largely to the way it is inflicted on the child rather than the action of divorce itself. The child’s involvement in the process and the level of alertness directed to the child’s health and well-being decide the severity of the child’s experience.

The relationship between two parents is very important for the children as they look up to their parents for guidance, modeling their values and behaviors. The separation of parents is enough for a child to develop irregularities in development. Even if they do not get along, the parents need to uphold a positive relationship as a guide to their children. The Harvard study on motivations states, “excessive stress and a lack of positive relationships can derail the development of well-balanced motivation systems (NSCDC, 2018).” Quite often, the home environment of children with divorced parents is not stable. Switching homes, living with opposing parents, and essentially having two lives take a psychological toll on a child. Especially if the home environment is disorderly, a child will endure negative consequences.
As mentioned earlier, children of chaotic home environments develop motivation systems concentrated on fear. In cases where children are living two lives when switching homes, the child’s brain identifies threats more often, and behavior disorders increase. A parent must maintain a strong, supportive relationship with the child to subdue any stress hormones that could leave damaging effects. Children are receptive to the parent’s paternal and maternal roles. A study on primates and rodents found that doing things to affect the child’s perception of these roles will result in nervous system issues, where children are more stress-reactive and fearful (Baracz, Everett, Cornish, 2018). Separating children from their parents will alter their perception of these roles, especially distance from the mother. Although mild, there will still be stressors and behavioral variability in the child with minimal maternal distancing.
It is not always the case that divorce leads to psychological turmoil for a child. Evident in cases where divorce is handled properly, a child may still be disturbed but endure minimal repercussions. A study on the moral development of adolescents explains that a child’s morality is dependent on their internalization of values and how the relationship with their parents aids in internalizing these values (Youngstrom, Snarey, 1995). The children involved in this study had relatively positive experiences with divorce. They were considerably more mature and had great moral judgment for their age. Social learning is a direct result of children’s interpretation of the beliefs and practices they see, therefore, if parents uphold positive practices and relationships, the importance of family and moral reasoning is more likely to be a part of a growing child’s values. It is dependent on the parents to ensure the quality of life for their children, allowing them to develop and come of age in a healthy environment. Although separated, individual parents should reinforce the idea of a supportive relationship because it will prepare the child’s brain to develop healthy tendencies. Prioritizing a child’s mental growth will help them prosper, providing them with opportunities to develop a growth mindset instead of a fixed one. If parents take initiative in the development of their children, trauma will likely play a minuscule role in who they are as they come of age.

Divorce has heavy implications on a child’s mental health, factoring in a traumatic experience that will affect their coming of age journey. As children age, they grow to be representations of their childhood experiences. If children of divorce are not raised in a stable environment, they won’t be able to thrive. Divorce typically caused instability where a child is faced with negative and traumatic experiences. These experiences carry over into their journey to adulthood and are reflected in their virtues, tendencies, and behaviors. The severity of the divorce is important to consider; it is dependent on the parents to ensure a child will develop properly. Children cannot control their environments and are susceptible to everything they are surrounded with. The child’s involvement in the divorce process will determine their mental health and conceptualization of what it means to come of age. As a child, I had always felt that my parents paid no mind to me and my brother. Even though the legal battles and custody situation was for us, it felt as though it was a way for them to get back at each other for their doings. My childhood was filled with these situations, now serving as memories from which I have developed into the person I am today. It wasn’t until I began my research into this topic that I realized how much my parent’s divorce has shaped me. My everyday tendencies, what I value, my behaviors, and the path I took to get here are direct results of my childhood experiences.

Work Cited

Abrahamian, Arno. 2022. “WP2: Relationships After Witnessing Divorce.” July. https://medium.com/@arnoabra.

Baracz, Sarah J., Nicholas A. Everett, and Jennifer L. Cornish. 2018. “The Impact of Early Life Stress on the Central Oxytocin System and Susceptibility for Drug Addiction: Applicability of Oxytocin as a Pharmacotherapy.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews. Pergamon. August 30. https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0149763418302768?token=B8398CB93E8AF2FD7398527CEE18C024E26291886672A9A7E6BB80EC55A84A33C7ABD2B01F2F2F6013EDD1A209FE74D9&originRegion=us-east-1&originCreation=20220724232949.

Klein, Yael. 2020. “The Impact of Divorce on Adolescents.” Evolve Treatment Centers. August 25. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/divorce-impact-adolescents/.

NSCDC. 2018. “Understanding Motivation: Building the Brain Architecture That Supports Learning, Health, and Community Participation.” National Scientific Council on The Developing Child. December. https://46y5eh11fhgw3ve3ytpwxt9r-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/wp14_reward_motivation_121118_FINAL.pdf.

Shonkoff, Jack P., and Deborah A. Phillips. 2000. “From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development.” National Center for Biotechnology Information. U.S. National Library of Medicine. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25077268/.

Tahirović, Senija, and Gokce Demir. 2017. “Influence of Parental Divorce on Anxiety Level of Adolescents.” IntechOpen https://www.intechopen.com/chapters/57391.

Wallerstein, Judith S. 1985. “Children of Divorce: Preliminary Report of a Ten-Year Follow-up of Older Children and Adolescents.” Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry. https://www.jaacap.org/article/S0002-7138(09)60055-8/pdf.

Youngstrom, Jennifer, and John Snarey. 1995. “Parental Divorce and the Moral Development of Adolescents.” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 23 (3–4): 177–86. doi:10.1300/j087v23n03_11.