WP2: Exploring the Complexities of People-Pleasing: Unraveling the Threads of Self-Esteem, Insecurity, and Validation
People-pleasing: What is it, and why is it relevant? In a simple definition, it means that a person feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. Now, why does this topic matter to me? For the majority of my life, honestly, up until recently, I thought I was definitely not a people-pleaser. To be quite frank, I think I judged other people when I saw people-pleasing tendencies in them and found it so frustrating or bothersome when I would witness it happening right in front of me. When I say “up until recently,” I mean about three weeks ago from today. I saw an Instagram reel from a psychologist I follow (her Instagram handle is @the.holistic.psychologist if you are curious to check it out on your own) with the title “When a people-pleaser goes to a party.” She reenacts a fake scenario of a conversation between the host of the party and a guest who has arrived. I have probably never related to anything closer to the person she was reenacting as being the people-pleaser ever in my life, and in that simple, short video I watched, it changed my whole perspective of what people-pleasing is and how I came to fully accept that I am indeed a people-pleaser. I am, in fact, what I despised most in other people.
In the podcast episode, I am joined by three of my dear friends whom I have known since middle school. We sat down for over an hour, discussing the topic of people-pleasing. We delved deep into our past selves and elaborated on our previous experiences, and instances where we demonstrated people-pleasing tendencies or behaviors. We touched base on how our upbringing can contribute to these issues, such as seeking validation from others or having the fear of being judged or disliked by others. More importantly, we discussed how to strike a balance in people-pleasing, while also understanding our own worth and respecting our boundaries. Knowing that it is okay to say no while still feeling secure in ourselves, without fearing that others’ opinions of us will change or turn negative.
Additionally, we shared candid and honest responses regarding the reasons behind our people-pleasing tendencies. One of the key takeaways, highlighted by my friend Jay, was when he experienced the peak of his people-pleasing tendencies during COVID-19, coinciding with a period of major social anxiety. He talked about how he became very judgmental of other people during that season of life and later realized that his judgmental behavior was rooted in his own fear of being judged. He was essentially projecting his own insecurities onto others through his judgment of their actions and behaviors. Reflecting on Jay’s words in the podcast, it provided me with valuable perspective and prompted me to question aspects of my own life.
For instance, I recall a situation from high school where one of my close friends in our group was known for her extreme niceness and unwavering agreeability. She had a reputation for never disagreeing or expressing any disapproval of others’ thoughts and ideas; she always went along with what you wanted. I distinctly remember disliking this aspect of her personality. I used to equate these traits with being a fake friend, and in my self-righteous mindset, I openly expressed my disdain for people-pleasers, branding them as inauthentic. People-pleasers, in my eyes, were synonymous with fake friends, implying that they couldn’t be trusted. Admittedly, there may have been other layers to my feelings about her, but upon reflection, I’ve come to realize that it aligns precisely with what Jay discussed about projecting our own fears of judgment and insecurities onto others. I can now see how I was insecure about myself back then, and to some extent, even today. However, in my fear of acknowledging my own people-pleasing tendencies, I projected my feelings onto that particular friend, who may have been going through a similar struggle where understanding and forgiveness could have been more appropriate.
What you’ll find intriguing when listening to this podcast episode are the responses from each guest to the questions we explored. Each of them shared their unique experiences regarding their people-pleasing tendencies and the realizations that led them to change their mindsets, ultimately addressing their insecurities. I’d like to highlight something that Hannah Yun mentioned at the beginning of the podcast. When I asked if people-pleasing is a learned behavior stemming from our childhood environments, she responded by suggesting that it’s more about how people handle their life situations. She used the analogy of an individual constantly getting stepped on, explaining that there are only two choices: either they continue to be passive or they decide to stand up for themselves and take action. It reaches a breaking point where they must learn to assert themselves and move in a different direction. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective; everyone encounters their unique make-it-or-break point along the journey of people-pleasing. You’ll hear this later in the podcast when I ask our guests if they had experienced that turning point that made them realize something needed to change. Again, this brings me back to what I mentioned earlier in this paragraph — each friend had their own unique moment of realization, leading them to shift away from learned behaviors tied to seeking validation in their actions or feeling responsible for others’ feelings, or even experiencing anxiety about upsetting others. You can hear the full elaboration on these points in the episode.
The question I’d like to explore now is why some individuals have such low self-esteem. Struggling with self-confidence and often seeking external validation. People-pleasing can be rooted in various factors, including poor self-esteem, insecurity, perfectionism, and past experiences of pain, difficulty, or trauma. These are all significant contributors, which I plan to delve into in more detail in WP3.
Podcast Link
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ajbUncoR-qffTT2aPxfl4-BgMVRv45ek?usp=sharing
