WP3: Journey to Authenticity: Unveiling Insecurities, People-Pleasing, and the Path to Self-Acceptance
So, here we are, concluding this three-part series. My intentions for these projects were to stay authentic to myself, delving into what I find most interesting. For the final episode, I decided to explore specific aspects of people-pleasing, delving into the nitty-gritty details of its origins. In the previous episode, all the guests who shared their personal stories unanimously agreed that people-pleasing stems from insecurities within themselves. What I aim to explore in this paper is to narrow down why these insecurities within myself are so pronounced and how they impact my interactions with peers, leading me to be a people-pleaser. For this final episode, I chose to bring in a new group of guests to discuss our self-worth, insecurities, and people-pleasing tendencies. During the episode, we delved into the significant role our upbringing plays in shaping who we are today and the behaviors we learned as adolescents. Let’s backtrack from the beginning because all these topics are interconnected.
One aspect I’ve grappled with throughout my life is cultivating self-worth. I often struggled with feelings of inadequacy, doubting my capabilities and worthiness, seeking validation from friends and family. To understand why these emotions are so profound, it feels appropriate to begin at the very foundation — my childhood. This exploration led me to delve into my upbringing, specifically growing up Korean American. Consequently, my first topic involved a deep dive into my childhood and a genuine curiosity about the experiences of those around me. I chose to write and record a podcast focusing on Koreans growing up in America, delving into the nuances of being a Korean American. More precisely, I emphasized the generational gaps, examining how we, as the current generation, were raised by our parents compared to their upbringing and how these differences have shaped us into the individuals we are today.
In WP1, the second episode of the podcast features my friend, Daniel Pak, whom I recently connected with at USC. I want to emphasize his authenticity and the genuine nature he brought to our podcast. For instance, when I asked him to introduce himself and share his background, he straightforwardly stated, “I’m a first-generation Korean American, and I come from a low-income household…”. While this introduction might not have resonated with everyone, for someone like me who had always been embarrassed to reveal signs of coming from a low-income family, I greatly admired his unashamed approach from the outset. Echoing what I discussed in WP1, I was surprised to discover the striking similarities in Daniel’s and my upbringing. Growing up, we didn’t experience the stereotypical tiger parents pushing us to focus solely on academics and extracurricular activities. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, our shared financial situations led us to feel the need to mature quickly and become independent. Perhaps it stems from our similar circumstances, but we found ourselves taking matters into our own hands to break free from the cycle of low-income living, whereas many Korean American families typically emphasize academic success for their children.
Let’s delve into a more personal aspect. Returning to my earlier point about feeling embarrassed to show signs of coming from a low-income household, I encountered two contrasting experiences during my upbringing. My life was divided between school and church communities. In the school setting, where most friends came from similar income brackets, I never felt ashamed to disclose where I lived or express financial limitations. However, in my church community, located in a different city, the majority of families were affluent. The friends I naturally gravitated towards were more well-off and lived comfortably. It’s perhaps inevitable to compare lives, but as a child, I distinctly recall feeling ashamed to openly discuss my family’s financial struggles within this church community.
Adding to this, in elementary school, we were grouped into different color categories, each representing different academic tiers — purple for the smartest, blue and red for the advanced, and green for the academically challenged. Given the stereotype that Asians are naturally smart, the majority of Asians in my school were placed in the top two groups, purple and red. However, I found myself placed in the green group. I vividly remember other kids asking me to my face, ‘Why are you in this group? Aren’t you Asian, or are you a rare dumb Asian?
While I may not have recognized the impact during my childhood and even embraced the label of being considered a ‘dumb Asian’ back then, I now understand how it has contributed to my persistently low self-worth. The reality, however, was that my family lacked the financial means to support me academically, such as hiring tutors or enrolling me in extracurricular activities — luxuries we couldn’t afford. Being immigrant parents, they shared a similar background; both sets of grandparents came from low-income families, and education was a privilege they weren’t fortunate enough to experience.
As Daniel highlighted when discussing his upbringing and the challenges he faced, if given the choice, he wouldn’t opt for a different lifestyle because it shaped the person he is today. Similarly, I wouldn’t alter the upbringing I experienced. Every outcome has contributed to who I am today. While a different upbringing might seem appealing, I would still choose the life I’ve come from. It has been a profound learning experience, shaping my values and providing insights into myself that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Shifting to our latest podcast episode, we delve into the various reasons behind our struggles with, or past struggles with, low self-esteem and low self-worth. A notable aspect arises when Samantha and I share remarkably similar experiences of feeling betrayed by friends, propelling us towards increased people-pleasing tendencies. Both stories revolve around our adolescent years when, in our authenticity, we expressed our emotions openly, exuded energy, and openly shared our joys. Unfortunately, these genuine expressions were abruptly shut down when we learned that the friends we cherished did not reciprocate those feelings. Samantha’s poignant statement during the podcast echoes loudly: “Friends choose you, family doesn’t. All the people who chose me. Left me.” This sentiment resonated deeply and marked one of the most significant betrayals I experienced in elementary school. Speaking on behalf of both of us, from that point onwards, we felt compelled to conform to the expectations of our friends, molding our personalities to fit what we believed would earn admiration and acceptance. However, this inevitably led to a profound sense of unhappiness with our authentic selves.
Jonathan and Ashley also share remarkably similar stories of grappling with their profound insecurities. Jonathan reflects on his most insecure moments, revealing that as a child, he grappled with being on the chubbier side. In an environment where kids often teased each other, the mockery he faced while pursuing a girl he found cute took a toll on his self-esteem. Rather than confronting these issues directly, he attempted to suppress them by believing that losing weight would alleviate his insecurities and boost his self-esteem. However, upon shedding the weight and gaining attention from girls who had never noticed him before, he soon realized the fleeting nature of this newfound confidence.
Similarly, Ashley opens up about a lifelong struggle with weight-related comments from her parents and family members. Despite the hurtful words, she shares that she developed a resilience, allowing the comments to enter through one ear and exit through the other. Notably, she points out a critical moment when she reached her lowest point: receiving attention she had never experienced after losing weight. While she enjoyed the compliments, she recognized the transient nature of external validation. In reality, these compliments heightened her self-consciousness and stress about her appearance. She came to the realization that the confidence she found was solely dependent on what others were saying to her.
Moreover, in the podcast, we delve into how, as humans, we devise solutions for our insecurities. For instance, when grappling with body image issues, we often believe that shedding weight, altering our appearance, changing hairstyles, or adjusting our outfits will alleviate the problem. In reality, this is a false belief. The peak of our insecurities may occur when we attain the idealized image we dreamt of as children. We’ve come to the realization that true resolution comes not from altering our external selves but from wholeheartedly accepting who we are — the body we inhabit, the personality we possess. It involves acknowledging that not everyone will appreciate us for who we are, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s not worthwhile to conform to an image we think will garner acceptance from peers. Such a path leads to a perpetual state of unhappiness, as it involves not being authentic to ourselves and those around us.
Towards the podcast’s conclusion, we discuss how being open and honest about our insecurities, both with ourselves and with family and friends, is crucial for overcoming them. Additionally, we delve into the intriguing differences between male and female expressions of insecurities, exploring how gender roles can create barriers for some men in exploring their emotions and insecurities with others. This discussion, which you can listen to in the podcast, sheds light on the nuanced impact of gender on the expression and resolution of insecurities.
In conclusion, it’s important to recognize that we all grapple with people-pleasing tendencies to some extent, coupled with our individual insecurities. While this is a message I need to internalize and apply in my own life, I’m aware that others reading this may share similar struggles. The advice we offer is not to seek validation from others, as those feelings are fleeting. It may sound simple, but the challenge lies in learning to authentically accept oneself. It’s crucial to be mindful that everyone is contending with their own struggles, so exercising care in our words is paramount. Ultimately, the last piece of advice is to cultivate a genuine desire to work on oneself and to foster self-awareness. Being self-aware initiates a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-confidence.
Work Cited
EP1&2: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-7iN466K7klp0QyLwGEgtdtYaWB4_eQk?usp=sharing
EP3: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ajbUncoR-qffTT2aPxfl4-BgMVRv45ek?usp=sharing
EP4: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1D9BjhJWoE0Y6ReKGCMFdV_rDWNMUl4WV?usp=sharing
