WP4: The Reflection
what I learned about myself by writing about self-help
It’s a puzzling contradiction that I need clear and specific instructions, yet I experience resistance against rigid directions and crave autonomy. This is one dilemma I worked through while producing my Writing Projects this year — having the freedom to write about anything and not fully knowing what to do with that liberty at times. I was initially overwhelmed by the possibilities, having to eventually ground myself into making a decision based on what came to mind first and stuck out the most. By the end of this semester, I have realized it may be more uncomfortable to write about things I care about because I am personally invested and I attach emotion to those things. It’s been more difficult to know where to get started at the beginning of each WP, but the work is ultimately more meaningful to me because I chose the topic. There is a trade-off that’s worth it. The process affects me more personally because I want to make sure I communicate effectively, but the outcome is finishing this feels like a more substantial accomplishment.
I ended up choosing to explore the topic of self-help and self-love in my WPs because it seemed like a natural choice. I have gravitated towards the genre of self-help since before I was even a teenager. The experience of developing more self-love has been a large focus in my life, especially during the past few years. Writing about this has prompted me to reflect on my relationship with the self-help I fill my brain up with and promote to others. I realized that the biggest thing I emphasized repeatedly in my WPs ended up being a call to look inward. I came to a conclusion that the most important thing a piece of self-improvement content could do for me is remind me to pay attention to my thoughts and truly see myself in order to accept myself.
Before this semester, and while initially discovering the self-help books I talked about in WP2, I did not know I was autistic. Discovering I am autistic this semester (after a long time of suspecting my former diagnoses did not tell the whole story) has been a monumentally intense experience in all sectors of life: emotionally, mentally, socially, physically…and it has affected everything, including my writing projects of course. Although I am now embarking on the journey of stocking my repertoire with more neurodivergent-friendly or intentional self-help for autistic people, I find it interesting that I would not take back any of my recommendations in WP2. Even before I knew why, I was promoting self-help that specifically didn’t tend to add more demands. The self-help that I latched onto and backed up all inspired belief and love in oneself. This is a comfort I now realize I seek as relief for the self-doubt and feelings of shame that I couldn’t explain.
The type of self-help that called to me, and that I wanted to share with my Medium audience, is content that took away some of the burden I feel being irrationally overwhelmed at all times. Turns out I have just been overstimulated and masking my genuine self for a very, very long time. I believe the process of self-acceptance I have been aiming to study and master is only intensified and deepened by revealing my place on the autism spectrum. Many autistic authors, especially late-diagnosed women, have expressed similar experiences: that getting to know their genuine autistic self is like peeling back the layers of socialized masking, but that mask can be worn so tightly for so long (without even knowing), it eventually became extremely hard to cleanly separate from it. As I explore this identity, inevitably beginning to make sense of all of my life’s experiences, I can see that writing can play a huge role in doing that detachment and uncovering. Writing can reveal the depths of my subconscious in a way that other mediums of self-expression don’t communicate as clearly. For example, in the exercise where we free-wrote, answering prompts about the meaning, goal and intention behind our writing project, I was able to access parts of my mind that were not apparent on the surface. The exercise of writing without hesitation, just allowing the words to flow out, reveals thoughts and emotions that seem to come from someone else, but can be identified with the deeper self upon further review.
One of the parts of this writing course I most appreciated was the permission and encouragement to release adherence to the rules of academic writing conventions when producing our writing projects. The norms enforced for academic writing are typically formal and overcomplicated, ultimately perpetuating prejudice and inaccessibility. Vershawn Ashanti Young’s “Should Writers Use They Own English” (2010) is one of my favorite pieces we read this semester, because it really challenges the rigid and biased system for academic writing that I have not seen questioned in other classes. Being allowed to write in my own voice for my writing projects impacted the vulnerability I was able to share and increased the personal stake I had in the work I did. This made me realize that trying to conform to the academic style of writing in my previous work almost always leads to me feeling somewhat disconnected from what I produce, as if I was just going through the motions and following a strict method, rather than analyzing and exploring a topic genuinely.
Writing about self-help has brought me closer to solidifying my intentions and goals surrounding creating my own content in this genre. Reviewing other author’s self-improvement content showed me that I don’t want to add to people’s mental clutter, I want to help them make sense of/clear some of it. As I continue my quest for self-acceptance, it calls to me to share that journey with others, to foster community and comfort by sharing my lessons. I may not continue to use this Medium page, but the work I have done here has informed and inspired the related content I will produce on my other social media platforms. This course has restored the special place in my heart held by the practice of writing. Ending with the last huge takeaway that will influence my future as a writer and as an emotional human being: if you have a thought or an idea, just get it out on paper. Once it’s been written, at least it’s out of your head.
