If only arriving would fix me….
Musings on writing and failure (because you care)
I googled “pseudonym.” I shouldn't have. Everyone thinks their personal philosophies are interesting. I have one about asking the question. The answer is yes. Or better, “YYYEEESSS!!!!” . . . “Mother Fuckers!!” I'm wondering whether or not I should capitalize ‘googled,’ and whether or not every one who will never read this will care if I did it right. I have never put anything I have written in the public sphere. Well, there was that blog once. And that other blog. But who’s counting? I had a book of poetry that I ceremonially burned because that was what I would do if I was a real poet; wondering if any one would ever think, “If only he had saved that, it was some of his best work.” It was written in one of those journals you buy at Barnes and Noble. I felt like I was a deep, artsy, valuable person every time I wrapped the rainbow colored thread around the faux leather and machined embroidery. I felt like I had a secret. OF COURSE IT WAS FOR A WOMAN! There was the daily haiku blog I kept for 40 something days. There was the transparently opaque allegory dripping with meta-sima-phores. There is the Don Draper analysis because that’s what all the cool writers online were doing. There’s the one about the detective. Most are burned or lost or sitting in my Google Drive. There I capitalized it. Are you happy? I cant stop staring at the red squiggly line under ‘googled.’
“You’re a _____ if you use a pseudonym.” “Don’t use one because you’re proud of your work.” “Make sure whatever you do you brand yourself right(there is a lot of info if you google branding moron. Google it right fucking now so you don’t forget).” I mean, you better choose the right name you little bitch if you want to be a successful writer. That is the point right? Success?
(insert another overvalued personal philosophy here).
I don't know what success is. How many times have you thought, “I wish I wrote like ______?” Well I never have because I don't know who ________ is.
“People won’t respect you if you use a pseudonym.”
What I know is I have this “material.” I know I always seem to have more and I know that through out my life I write. Not consistently of course, because that might make me successful. And whatever success is, we cant have any of that shit. I guess success is an audience, which I don't have. It might also be money, which I also don't have.
I’m scared of my material. I’m scared of everything I am doing wrong. I’m scared of what people I know would think of what I say. I don’t know if I will be able to press that green publish button or not (SHIT! There is a cancel button). I could tell you I have a public job so it would be justified. “Only have a pseudonym if you are a teacher. You read about that poor teacher right?” I’m guilty of not reading about the teacher so thanks for not giving me a link asshole.
I’m scared of myself. How cliche.
I just figured out that the + adds a new image. I do not have any cool images. (I wonder if all the cooler people on here will know if I steal an image offline?)
Yes. I am also guilty of stealing the banner image. Go ahead and act like you haven't done it.
Whatever success is, failure is definitely doing nothing. I just realized that I may be the reason people freaked when they opened MEDIUM up for us common folk. I don’t know if they really freaked, but I googled it. I didn't get an invite to MEDIUM probably because I wasn’t watching lifehacker that day .
So I think I’ll try doing something. Maybe it will last longer that 40 days. Maybe I’ll get an audience! Although I’m not even cautiously optimistic. But who really fucking cares? So you can expect to hear the one about the detective any decade now. I did fantasize about self publishing it on Amazon because I want to be like Tim Ferris. I don't know when because I don't know if I’ll ever finish it. I can just see myself hitting reload every 30 seconds on Amazon.com to see if any one bought it and what horrible things they say about me in the reviews.
Is there a word count on MEDIUM? I am wondering if I have written enough, or too much. I better google that. I also need to google how to buy clicks to this article.
Since failure is doing nothing here I am. Officially published! Well…. kind of.
(P.S. Please feel free to take the gloves off with your comments. Be reassured that I will be refreshing in 30 seconds)
