The Muffin Murderer and 7 Helpful Crumby Facts
And Nancy Pelosi’s live tweet coverage
February 20 is the hallowed National Muffin Day (despite the homeless-feeding-do-gooder Facebook group’s vicious lies saying it is the 21st). But I know why you are here — you want to know about the Muffin Murderer. You don’t want the homeless fed; you want death. Fine. I’ll give you what you want.
The Muffin Man Murdered Children
In the late 1500s, the local baker, later known as the Drury Lane Dicer, would lure kids away from their homes with a string tied around a muffin. He would torture them. Kill them — fifteen of them in total.
As with most morbid tales and plagues, the children wrote a song about it, “do you know the muffin man of Drury lane?”
Fascinated by this story, I hopped in my time machine to find this killer muffin man. His real name is Frederic Thomas Lynwood. I found him. Here’s an expert of my interview with him.
Ryan: “Why did you kill children?”
Muffin Man: “They were noisy and distracted me from creating new recipes.”
Ryan: “Did you find any good muffin recipes now that the noisy kids are dead?”
Muffin Man: “Actually, yes. I found a great recipe for meatloaf muffins.”
Ryan: “Do you know Sweeny Todd?”
Muffin Man: “Who?”
Ryan: “Never…
