How “To all the boys I’ve loved before” inspired me to start writing letters I will never send
Yes, I am talking about that Netflix movie, but no, I do not write love letters.
As a young college student, filled with issues, I am always complaining about something. I believe that is pretty common for anyone my age, or at any age really, and that complaining is a part of life. Just as celebrating is, because, more often than not, you’re celebrating the fact you don’t need to complain about something anymore.
The thing is, when I got to college, I didn’t know who I could tell my feelings to. At high school I had all my best friends since preschool, girls I knew inside out, who would never betray me. We’d spend our breaks complaining, teasing, laughing. And somehow, by the end, I always felt lighter.
As a way to solve this, I decided to inspire myself on the girl from the movie “To all the boys I’ve loved before”. Yes, that movie where she writes love letters to the boys she has crushes on. I have something like that, but mine are more like hate letters, or venting letters, one might say. They contain all my feelings towards a person, every single thing they do that annoys me is in there, everything that I would never have the courage to say to their face. Maybe it’s because I’m not intimate enough, or maybe it would be plain rude, or sometimes it’s just because I can no longer find a way to talk to them who I used to be close to. The latter are the worst to write: it’s like writing to a ghost. I want to talk to the friend I used to have instead of the one I physically see everyday, so instead I send them letters to make it easier.
What I found was that it is a great coping method. I feel better after writing a good letter. And when it is well written, when the words are carefully chosen and you feel like you have poured your emotions onto the pages, then that is when I feel most at ease. Those are the moments I can take deep breathes of fresh air, as if it was suddenly new to me.
I am aware of how much of a sociopath I sound when I say this, but, unlike the movie, these are letters no one will ever see. These are letters I open for my own amusement. I use them as a means to calm down, as a way to keep my cool around others, to keep my temper under control. I use them for my own mental sanity, and maybe you should try it as a coping method. You cannot imagine the wonders it does, especially when you remember that there is no reason why the person will ever read it unless you want them to. It allows you the freedom of self expression without the worry of offending others, the truest form of hidden liberty.
I won’t lie and say they’re all about me complaining about people: some are for my best friends, friends I know hate sappy feelings and emotions. And when I need to express what I feel towards them, I just write it out. I get it out of my system, I need it out of my system.
And, in the end, you just close the file, lock the drawer, and leave it there until the next time you need it. Unlike the movie, no one will see it. You keep it to yourself, put passwords to protect it, and that’s it. End of story.
You do what she did, but be smarter about it. And it was one of the best things I’ve done to cope, to heal.
