BREAKING: PRESIDENT HUMPTY TRUMPTY FELL OFF HIS WALL
Last Updated: Monday 5th March 2018, 4:00pm GMT
Rumours that President Humpty Trumpty fell off his ‘big, beautiful wall’ in the early hours of Monday morning have been confirmed by senior members of the Trumpty White House. Trumpty’s condition is believed to be critical and the incident sparked a constitutional crisis after Mexico’s President, Enrique Peña Nieto, claimed that Trumpty illegally entered his country after falling onto the Mexican side of the wall.
In a statement read on the White House’s South Lawn, Vice President Mike Pence affirmed the severity of Trumpty’s condition and denied Nieto’s claim Trumpty intended to enter Mexico illegally.
This morning our hearts, like President Trumpty’s shell, are broken. Just after sunrise, President Trumpty was found in pieces by Mexican Border Patrols who were alerted to a situation by a series of tweets from @realHumptyTrumpty. I thank our Southern neighbours for their cooperation at this time.
Millions of Americans, like you and I, will wake up to the news that our President has had a great fall. So, as we attempt to put President Trumpty together again, we must remember that the President has devoted his life to helping all Americans achieve their hopes and dreams. — Vice President Mike Pence
Despite frequent boasts to have ‘many friends’, only retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson arrived to aid Trumpty. Carson, a close Trumpty ally who defied science by claiming the Egyptian pyramids were built to store grain, sported a cap that read ‘Put Trumpty Together Again’. Sources close to Trumpty have confirmed these caps will be made in Kazakhstan and available with text in Russian or English only. These will be on sale from midnight, March 13th.
Whilst Mike Pence praised Mexican Border Enforcement for their quick response, Mexico’s President Nieto had harsh words for Trumpty. In a speech made this morning that echoed Trumpty’s 2016 Presidential Campaign launch, Nieto claimed ‘when the Trumpties send their people, they send their worst’. It is not clear if Mexico will take action on Trumpty for falling across the border illegally.
US Secretary of State for Transportation Elaine Chao has since clarified that ‘falling off of things is not an advisable mode of travel’.
We reached out to Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn for a comment, but he refused to citing an ongoing police investigation into claims he lured young voters to the polls on the promise of free tuition. Corbyn was last seen outside Ikea in Islington, where he was believed to be shopping for a new Cabinet.
Trumpty’s doctor of 40 years, Harold N. Bornstein, expects the President will make a full recovery. Much of the medical community cast doubt on whether Bornstein will be able to put Trumpty back together again, and have brought attention to his previous claims that Trumpty is ‘the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency’.
NOTE: Image used in tweets by @Chris Piasick, titled ‘Trumpty Dumpty’. Text is my own.
