Effectively using an overflowing Portaloo (A guide to surviving Download Festival 2023)
2022 saw the start of so many things — notably the return of live music, three prime ministers, the death of a monarch and a cost of living crisis. For me, it saw the start of what I hope to be an annual tradition of conversations of utter drivel with friends whilst simultaniously stumbling around a campsite, eating beans from a can with a spoon, and most of all, live music, mosh pits and community. It was the year I first attended Download Festival in Donnington Park. With this, came incredible memories and funny stories that I will remember for a lifetime. Alongside these rich memories however, came incredibly shameful and regrettable trips to the toilets that I will never forget, a week without a shower, facial sun burns that left scars and scabs for weeks, and being kicked in the head by a guy dressed as Jesus wielding a crucifix made of beer cans. Without a doubt, it can be a hard week to conquer, but if you follow these simple tips and tricks, you will find that the traumatising trip to the toilet you made that resulted in your bottom grazing the ungodly pile of human waste protruding from the top of the toilet seat was worth every second. Or so I hear…
What to pack? -
First, you’ll need your tent. Camping is first come first served, and so bringing a huge four-man tent for one person will inevitably lead to you wandering around the various fields looking a space big enough for your overcompensation. The likelihood is, you’ll be pitched up in a small square and become very chummy with your neighbours morning routines and nightly ablutions. This in my opinion, is the best part. You are tightly compact and become so close with your neighbours, that you may even be invited to their wedding. This is not hyperbole I might add. I did indeed attend the wedding of a couple that met at Download many years ago and decided that they wanted their wedding to take place on camp. We all lined up around the pathway as they walked up the aisle towards a burly bearded man standing on a crate of Budweiser, yielding a staff made of beer cans who would officiate this wedding with Haribo rings and inviting all to sing a rendition of ‘F*ck her Gently’ by Tenacious D. For those wondering, the wedding was in fact an official union, and to my knowledge, the bloke with the beer can staff was ordained.
Aside from the tent, I would recommend bringing some form of duct tape or extra strong tape. This has many purposes — some decide to patch up holes in tents, some decide to fix gazebos, others use it to fly flags. You will also notice a vast array of blow up sex dolls taped to each other in suggestive positions which are also fastened together with a good ol roll of duct tape. Whatever your purposes, bring some. Spare tent pegs may be a good choice too, the last thing you want is to fly away on a windy night.
Beer. Bring beer. Bring lots of beer. Whiskey too. Spirits. Mixers. As much as you feel you can lug behind you on your hunt for a camp. Trust me, you don’t want to be making too many trips to the onsite shops. Spend your money in the arena or the village and treat yourself to a tattoo, a ride, some shopping, a new jacket, studs belts and wristbands and any other cool items you see around you feel like spending your hard earned cash on. Speaking of which, you will definitely need at least £300 spending money. Though you would have just spent a little over that for the ticket; if you want a stress free, fun time, then you will want a good amount of cash to spend whilst you are there. With so much to do on site and pack into the week, saving up as early as possible is a good port of call.
Another important thing worth mentioning would be the traditional uniform of the metalhead — a battle jacket. If you do not possess a denim or leather kutte, adorned with patches featuring your favourite bands, or bands you have had the privilege of seeing live, then Download Festival will make you want to invest in making one. You will no doubt see families with horns in the air, screaming along to Maiden whilst sporting a matching jacket, or young head bangers that are just starting their kutte, maybe older metal heads with jackets that look like they’ve seen their fair share of moshes. You will for sure leave wanting a jacket of your own to show off and fill with the memories of festivals past. Bring it to Download and let the stench of beer and sweat soak into the fibres.
Oh yeah — Food too I guess… Sleeping bag? Pillow? Chances are you’ll be going to bed as the sun comes up anyway so take luxury items like this providing you have room in your bag next to all the beer…
In all seriousness, a sleeping bag, a self-inflating mattress, a pillow, a light, wet wipes, clothes (pack clothes sparingly), tins of food, tin/bottle opener, snacks, sun cream, a hat, reusable knives and forks, a small bag, a coat, a blanket, a foldup chair, toothbrush and tooth paste, a bottle for water, wellies/big walking boots, spray on shampoo, hand sanitiser, toilet roll, your phone and a portable charger are all essential. Try not to cut yourself too short.
The music part -
Now for the reason you came in the first place — the plethora of incredible bands ranging from legacy acts to up-and-coming sensations. 2022 welcomed Biffy Clyro, who deservedly earned their place as a headliner, festival giants Iron Maiden who are still growing strong and releasing new rocking material, and finally, Kiss. Now, the latter band mentioned by far dominated the festival. The Kiss army flooded from all over the country to catch a glimpse of the star child and demon, and they were most certainly not disappointed. Kiss pulled the theatrics out the bag with this one. Guitars that shot sparks and flames, spitting blood, floating platforms, what must have been an illegal number of fireworks, makeup galore, incredible lighting, inflatables and killer footage from previous Kiss shows playing in the background.
The best part about all of this? For a little over the price you would pay to just see Kiss’s live show, you get to see three incredible headliners (4 for 2023) and nearly 100 hundred other bands on the bill at the same time. If that doesn’t entice you to buy a ticket, I don’t know what will.
Now of course, there are draw backs, and if you are like me — a seasoned metalhead/rocker with a passion for a huge range of heavy music styles, you will find it very hard to carry out the painful process of deciding which bands you are willing to miss, in turn of a band you really need to see. There can however be solutions to this scheduling issue.
At Download, you will find that an act headlining the second stage or one of the smaller stages, may overlap with a headliner on the main stage. This is of course a huge shame, because any fan of music would hate to turn down the chance to see a band they have never seen before, to see another band they love just as much and might not have seen before either. This exact situation happened to me last year. Megadeth headlined the second stage and I knew I had to see as much of their set as possible, the issue was that Iron Maiden were headlining the main stage, and there was no chance I was missing ANY of Maidens set. This resulted in me watching the first 30 minutes of Megadeths set, to then walk over to the main stage ready for Maiden. Though I did catch it all, I wasn’t as close as I would have liked, unlike where I stood for Kiss.
This brings me on to the next disclaimer — make sure you are prepared to stand around for a good few of hours to secure a good position. For example; I was so excited to see Kiss that I stood and watched all the main stage bands, not moving all day so that I could be as close to the front as possible when Kiss came on. I could almost smell Paul Stanley’s hair spray from where I was.
A headbangers guide to concert etiquette –
Now it is fairly common practice to throw your body around and mosh at any rock or metal concert. You may notice different types of dancing occurring at concerts of such calibre like a circle pit (people running around in circles), or a wall of death (two sides of a crowd running at each other as hard and as fast as possible), or possibly even a group of fully grown adults sitting on the ground pretending to row a pirate ship whilst screaming “F*ck you with a F*cking anchor!” at the top of their lungs — courtesy of pirate metal act, Alestorm. With the exception of maybe the latter, these forms of dances have often been the subject of criticism from those that do not engage in heavier styles of music and do not understand why people want to ‘hurt’ each other at a concert. The fact is, we want to do the exact opposite. Any concert goer and mosher will know the number one rule of the pit: NO KARATE IN THE PIT. If you intentionally try and punch someone or kick them, then be sure that the full force of the metal community will come down on you. If someone falls over, you pick them up and get them jumping again. If somebody loses their glasses, mobile, or any other valuable item, then you help find them and get them enjoying themselves as soon as possible.
Crowd surfers are different matter altogether. One cannot prevent a Doc Marten to the head, or falling on a young audience member, because it is very hard to control your movements when your full body weight and automation is being controlled by a group of sweaty drunk audience members. I particularly remember being kicked in the back of the head by a man dressed as Jesus Christ wielding a crucifix of beer cans (see above). Another time, a man decided he would crowd surf over us unexpectedly, leading to us struggling to support his weight. Consequently, two teenage girls were well and truly crushed beneath the weight of this fully grown man. Luckily they were all okay and were helped up as soon as he was lifted to his feet. Maybe just remember who you are, and how old you are before you attempt to get too involved in these gig high jinx.
I hope that by this time you are all raring to go for Download 2023, and just as excited for these final announcements before we return to the sacred grounds of Donnington Park for another jam packed week of live music, ill-informed choices, nakedness and comradery.
See you all there \m/
