I Disappear Once a Year
©️neshanga
Adulthood hasn’t always been as smooth sailing as I would have hoped. March 10th 2017, my 18th birthday. The year of big hopes and dreams of a new chapter in life. Little did I know, the beginning of my educational and social journey at uni was far from what I had expected. Honestly, I was never independent at home and so the mere task of adapting to my new environment and learning to fend for myself was absolutely terrifying.
I’ve never really had any coping mechanisms for stress or anxiety; just deal with it until it passes. However, this stress was on a whole new scale with uni and I found myself incapable of ‘just’ dealing with it. I was always sitting in my room crying, I just wanted to go home. This sadness and lack of motivation reflected massively on my studies.
One day I remember receiving an email from my lecturer. It was time. Our first assignment results were out and ready to view. Looking back at it now, I can see I had nothing to worry about, whatever the mark, but in that moment I felt like it was going to determine my entire performance at uni. I very bravely logged into Moodle and there I saw it staring back at me. In retrospect I didn’t even do that badly but I put so much pressure on myself to perform at the best level without ever realising that I should actually aim towards working at my best.
Well I felt a rush, something I have never experienced before. I just needed a break from everything. I remember myself getting in my car and driving. I had no plans of where I was going, what I was going to see or where I was going to stay. I remembered my aunt telling me about her trip to Cornwall in summer. So many mixed emotions were running through my head; anger, sadness, regret but most importantly excitement. This new drive itself shocked me as I have never seen myself as an adventurous person and I don’t even like going shopping on my own so this was all a whole new experience and I felt like a different, new me was coming out of a bubble I have always lived in.
I set foot on a random beach in the middle of nowhere and I remember switching off my phone and thinking of absolutely nothing. I was finally able to remove myself from the social pressures around me and l was free. A part of me was still scared of the life I thought I switched off but this didn’t matter anymore because I found a stress relief through the one thing I was always too afraid to do.
The next year just before my exams, I booked a flight to Paris and told no one of my whereabouts. I visited the Eiffel Tower, L’Arc de Triomphe and so many more destinations with the company of no one but myself. Where I usually would allow my friends or family make decisions about where to go or what to eat, my new found independent tradition allowed me to make decisions for myself and find out more about who I am and the person I want to be. An additional positive outcome of me taking this time for myself is the result of looking forward to this trip making me finish my revision before hand with enough time for me to relax and take time for myself.
Ever since this out of the blue, in the moment trip, I began a new tradition for myself. This way, I always make sure I’m taking a break and I’m appreciating the beauty of nature around us and the more important things in life such as my health. Starting to look after my mental health also had a huge impact on my work ethic and the results produced as a consequence. Stress is important as I believe it works alongside motivation and dedication but everything has a limit and if I had carried on the way I was, I don’t know if I would still be here in my third year of uni but finding ways to help my mind and overall health has improved beyond my dreams.
There it is, my secret and the one thing no one knows about me. Once a year, I disappear and I leave my responsibilities behind me for a day as a support mechanism for myself. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this and whether it will always work but nothing can replace the feeling of removing myself from what everyone expects from me and allowing myself just to be me; maybe as a form of meditation. This works for me and I’m glad I found it but hopefully as I grow as person, I’m not going to have to take such extreme measures to remove the stress and anxiety from my life.
