I’m not ‘weird’, I’m neurodivergent
Getting diagnosed with ADHD at age 22…
I think for as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt ‘normal’. Not that I really understand what ‘normal’ is anyway, but something has just always felt slightly off since I was young.
I think the best way to describe it would be that everyone is in some kind of a secret club, and I never got an invite. My earliest memory is at nursery, and I remember hating it. I didn’t particularly want to play with the other children, and I didn’t know how to either. This escalated as the staff noticed this, and called my parents in as they thought I had difficulty speaking.
I remember being sat down with my parents, as the staff showed me images and my dad asked me to read them out. I read them all out without fail, and we all came to the conclusion that I was just painfully shy. Since then, ‘Shy’ has seemed to stick with me.
It came the time for me to go to primary school, and from what I remember I actually enjoyed it. I was part of a good friendship group and whilst I was considered fairly smart. However, ‘shy’ stuck with me. It was a keyword that came up on my reports from my teachers, and a new vocabulary item also seemed to appear, ‘sensitive’.
However, no one really thought anything of it (including myself.) I had accepted that I was a shy person, and although it was difficult sometimes, I was a very happy child. But when I reached secondary school, this is when I began struggling.
When you’re a kid, it feels like you can ‘get away’ with being shy. But secondary school was completely different, and I quickly learnt this the hard way. It turns out being painfully shy and having an undiagnosed learning disability makes you quite an easy target (who knew?!)
It wasn’t a fun time for me, I had a good friendship group, but it would be a lie if I said it didn’t leave any lasting scars on my mental health. But yet again, I accepted this was just how I was. I saw others who were shy, so in a way this was comforting. I noticed when it came to my GCSE’s, I was struggling to focus. No matter how hard I tried, my attention span was basically non-existent, and it ended with me unfortunately coming out with not the best grades.
I’m going to skip over college, because this was actually a very positive time in my life. I finally felt that I (somewhat) fit in, and I did well. As it came to the end of college, it was time to apply for University. I got in, and I was very excited to begin.
I had a good introductory week, I made friends with my housemates and my course mates seemed lovely. Lessons started, and I went to my first lecture. Boom, attention span dies again. The fact I have to sit there for an hour (or sometimes even longer) while sitting still and listening is something my brain cannot comprehend.
I noticed in seminars I was extremely anxious, and I really struggled with speaking to my peers and keeping eye-contact. There was always this voice in my head that told me everyone in the room hated me. This went on for a year and I just couldn’t bear it anymore, to be blunt, I hated university.
I don’t really remember the defining moment when I decided to get tested. I think I had just finally had enough, and I knew deep down something wasn’t right. Getting diagnosed with a learning disability is a VERY lengthy process, but it was worth it.
When I was finally told I have ADHD, it was like a lightbulb moment. Suddenly every moment in my life made sense, I finally felt like I had an understanding of myself. I would urge anyone who thinks they are neurodivergent to speak to their GP, it is a lengthy process, but it is worth it.
I still struggle, and I think I always will. But getting diagnosed has changed my life for the better. I love university, and I will never be ashamed to be Neurodivergent.
