Losing My IKEA Virginity
If you still like your partner afterwards, marry them.
For years I’d heard peers talking about how ‘cool’ it was and how they always did it at weekends. But I didn’t succumb to peer pressure, as much as I wanted to. I decided to take my time. My partner and I would often talk about when we would finally do it together…
When the big day came, I had mixed feelings… I was excited, a little nervous but mainly just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
… and I’ve never looked back.
Let me give you a little context (for those who have been living under a rock like I had).
IKEA is a Swedish multinational furniture and home accessory company, specialising in DIY flat-packs (incase you and your partner have run out ways to start arguments and want to spice it up a bit). In 2008, IKEA became the world’s largest furniture retailer.
So yeah, it’s kind of a big deal.
Somehow IKEA has become something so much more than somewhere to buy plastic furniture and desk lamps, it has become a national treasure. People can’t get enough of it.
Now I knew the nation was addicted to IKEA before I first visited, but I was not expecting the chaos that I encountered that fateful day.
I remember driving up to the huge yellow and royal blue sign, feeling as though I’d arrived at the Holy Land, a palace. This fantasy was shortly shattered with the challenges that I’d wish I’d known about before.
#1 Finding a parking space
Before parking at IKEA on a bank holiday Monday, make sure you have had a good night’s sleep and a bowl of Weetabix- you’ll need the strength. If you don’t already have a scratched bonnet and clinical anger issues, you will now.
#2 Humans are the worst
From screaming children and arguing couples, nothing will make you detest humankind more than a trip to IKEA.
IKEA caters for everyone; ranging from Sue, the ‘yummy mummy’ looking for the perfect cushions for her perfect home, to the soon-to-be student looking for all the bargain essentials to start the new term.
Either way, you’ll be one parked trolley in the middle of the aisle away from locking yourself inside and avoiding humans for the rest of your life.
#3 Do you serve anything other than meatballs?
Wow. What a question. If you are a veggie like me and have to order anything other than the legendary Swedish meatballs, be prepared for the horrified looks and parents covering their children’s eyes to shield them from the sheer blasphemy of choosing a veggie lasagne over the mouth-watering meatball and chips combo.
#4 School canteen
If you make it through the queuing and ordering process, you should feel proud of yourself. It’s about to get tougher.
Now wheeling round a trolley filled with meatballs, veggie lasagne and a refreshing £1.99 can of cider (or ‘Dryck Fläder’, a quirky soft drink for the designated driver), you are faced with the challenge of finding a seat in the zoo-like chaos, which can only be described as a school canteen on the last day of term.
#5 Warehouse treasure-hunt
You should be given a complementary manual-handling course. If you and your partner finally agree on what you like (i.e. when he wisely realises that you will be getting your way and he should just agree), the next task is deciphering your scribbled pencil furniture codes and beginning the man-hunt down aisle upon aisle of identical cardboard boxes.
Bring some snacks, you WILL be there a while.
#6 It’s the ultimate test of any relationship
If you still like your partner after a trip to IKEA, you should probably get married. You guys can make it through anything. It brings out the ugliest side of everyone.
Something I wish I’d known before my first trip to IKEA is the unimaginable levels of stress it creates but also the excitement and happiness (tupperware boxes and scatter cushions are pretty much life’s highlight when you reach 22).
If you thrive in life-or-death, survival of the fittest, lawless wastelands then IKEA is the place for you, and I truly recommend it.
#writinginthemedia #universityofkent #whatIwishI’dknown #IKEA
