No one knows this about me
but don’t ask me where I am from
I have been wanting to say this for such a long time, but I’ve always kept it to myself because it’s so difficult to explain that for the longest time I didn’t even bother trying. And how can you start a conversation with a complete stranger without wondering ‘where is this person coming from?’.
Yes, no one knows this about me, but I absolutely hate being asked where I am from. I know this is such a common question and an unavoidable conversation starter, but before judging me, hear me out. I don’t like this question because it’s not easy to answer it for me — at least not in a nice and concise way, which is literally what everyone only wants to hear. I can assure you that I know who I am and where I am from. In fact, I do have an answer. However, some people don’t seem to be satisfied with it.
To make it clear, my usual and quickest answer is: I am German and Italian.
While this does not seem complicated to me and, probably, to some of you neither, this is where you are wrong. Because apparently, this is way too complex for some people to comprehend and their curiosity needs to be filled with an endless number of other questions. A very typical conversation usually starts with this:
“How can you be both German and Italian?”
Well… it’s actually pretty easy. You know, one of my parents is Italian — in my case, my mother is, and my father is then obviously German. However, I wasn’t born in either of these countries and this is where it gets a tiny bit more complicated. At the time, my parents were living in Huntingdon, near Cambridge, and, as a result of their love, I was also born there. So, yes, in my super quick and short answer I omit saying this piece of information… but purposefully so. First of all, imagine what kind of perplexed looks I would receive if I were to tell everyone that I am from Germany, Italy and England. Secondly, I might have been conceived and born there, but I do not really have that much in common with the British culture. In fact, I have no British accent, know very little of their culture and remember almost nothing of my childhood there. Therefore, when I am presenting myself to someone who doesn’t know me, I usually explain this quite briefly and always specify: I am not British.
However, I then usually get asked one of my other favourite — rather annoying — question.
“So, do you feel more Italian or more German?”
Listen, if I wanted to avoid having this conversation in the first place, I would have just gone with one side and said that I am either German or Italian. Fact is: I can’t. I can’t because that is not who I am and that is not where I am from. I am not just German. I am not just Italian. I am and feel 100% both. I usually joke about this and say that the left side is Italian, because, since I am lefthanded, it’s the hand that I use to eat, and I will forever and always prefer Italian food over German food. While I do also understand the nature of the question, — and politely answer it — what I do not accept is comments like:
“You have to choose one side though.”
During my stay abroad in the city of Canterbury, I met an incredible friend and a beautiful mixed race woman. We bonded over the fact that our stories are so different, but similarly complicated. However, she once shared with me something that I will never forget. She told me that more than just a few people in her life have told her to choose either her black side or her white side and she was not having it. She treasures her mixed skin and gives power to her mixed identity in such an admirable way that I had realised how much I was actually struggling with mine. I hated the question ‘where are you from?’ because I was afraid to not live up to someone else’s expectation of having to choose just one side of me. No one knew this about me, not even myself, before meeting her. Now, I fully embrace my double identity and have realised that:
No one gets to define me but me.
No one gets to choose a side for me.
Because this is my story and I am the only one who gets to share it.
