“Social media is for Idiots” — yes, and we’re happy to be idiots.

Photo Credit: Eunice Wong

The light on my phone is blinking again. The little blue, pulsing light that lets me know that someone, somewhere, wants my attention on one of the many social media platforms I am currently a part of.

Blip…blip…blip… Its distracting as all hell. With a groan, I tear my eyes away from the laptop screen and from the dissertation-related article that I’m reading — one that is oh so fascinating — to check my phone. A stronger woman would have stayed firmly rooted in the pursuit of knowledge, and remained pinned beneath the crushing weight of an impending deadline. A stronger woman probably isn’t as bored as I am. And a stronger woman, I am not — sue me!

The notification is from Facebook. Cue another groan, and add in an eye-roll, just for good measure!

Pushing my hair from my face, and my glasses further up my nose from where they hover on the edge of oblivion, I zoom the cursor over to the little Chrome circle-thingy pinned to my taskbar, and unleash the flood of tempting tabs I’ve been keeping tightly trapped under the little multi-coloured icon.

Past YouTube…Past Buzzfeed (you dirty temptress!) …ah! Facebook.

So, who wants what? I think to myself as I click on the tab and wait an age for the page to refresh itself. Waiting…waiting…. what the fuck is taking so — Finally! The Kraken awakes! Now to see who — UGH.

Farmville. Who the — Keegan! Keegan sent me a Farmville request! It’s 2016 Keegan! What in the name of all that is holy, are you doing still playing Farmville?! And who even are you Keegan?? Wait, wait, wait — let’s see who this total douche canoe is, and how I supposedly know him… (this is the point where I begin a frantic Facebook stalking of this total randomer who — it turns out — I know from primary school, and consequently wasting another 30 minutes of my life).

A face-palm shortly follows my internal tirade (and the eventual deletion of said randomer). I hate people. Without all these people constantly demanding my attention, I could get my work done and actually have some semblance of peace in my life!! These are the words I try to use to justify how ridiculous my situation currently is. I, as well as every other idiot on social media, know that this is one giant, steaming, fly-ridden pile of utter horse shit. We rant and rave about how useless, time consuming, and mind-numbing social media is and how, yes, we should find other, meaningful ways of communicating. It’s true. But we knew what we were getting into when we signed up — we just like to bitch and moan about it.

And we won’t change. You know why? Because minutes after I delete Keegan, I find myself being drawn to something else Facebook does (other than distract the hell out of me, and send me into bouts of biblical anger) — a memory. It’s a picture of myself at one of the happiest times in my life, surrounded by the men and women I grew to know and love, and still hold dear in my heart. My chest gets tight, my eyes well up and the smile on my face threatens to crack my jaw — this is a picture of my family, my connection to another side of the world. It’s in moments like there where I can’t help but be eternally grateful to people like Mark Zuckerberg, whose original intention was simply to connect people across time and space.

Without people like him, and the social media platforms that so enslave our world nowadays, I wouldn’t be able to laugh, cry, love — even exist — with some of those I hold dearest in this world, simply because of geography. I sure as shit wouldn’t be receiving annoying-as-hell notifications from some dog’s egg at gone midnight, but I also wouldn’t be able to call up my friend Annie via WhatsApp, and squeal over the latest Korean drama episode we’ve both watched.

And it’s with this sentiment in mind, and the nostalgia clouding my abilities to think straight, that I re-share the image, captioned with a simple heart emoji in which I place the entire weight of my love and appreciation for these people, in the hopes that they’ll see this and remember me with fondness — rather than the go-to irritation that people feel when they see re-shared images.

With a sigh, I get up from my cosy nook, and venture downstairs to make myself one of the many midnight cups of tea, in the hopes that this will kick-start my brain which, I’m sure, at this point resembles a two-year-old’s birthday cake, post-infantile smashing and ‘accidental’ drenching in water.

Yeah…. that ain’t happening. Fuck it, I’m going to bed. *read: “I’m going to get under the covers and surf social media for another half an hour until my eyes sting”*

Why? Because I’m an idiot.

  • all names were changed and similarities are purely coincidental*

Edited by Leung Sin Yue Joyce. Hilarious article, made me giggle all the way!

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