Somewhere to feel free
If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Me — I’d go far, as far as I could, to a place where I have no responsibilities to anyone.
In my mind I’m on a plane.
I’m far off the ground, a blanket of cloud down below, my stomach swooping at the prospect of the unusual — change.
In my mind I ignore the strings that tie me to various things, the weekly university deadlines, the scam I nearly fell for, the loneliness I’m fighting everyday.
In my mind I fly away from it.
I pack a bag, run through the airport out onto the tarmac, grinning at the brisk winter breeze, and I hop into the plane full of life.
At least, it’s what I wish I could do.
But as we’re all aware, that’s not possible at the moment.
This past week, staying at home, I’ve been watching the anime series 僕だけがいない街. It’s known as ‘Erased’ for English screens but it translates something like ‘A town without me’.
It’s a stunning anime — it’s heart-breaking, heart-warming and sets your heart pounding all at the same time.
Part of the story focuses on a young girl, Kayo, who’s going through some awful stuff and dreams of leaving it behind, convinced that she wouldn’t be missed.
“I want to go to a faraway island… On that island, I can climb a tree when I want to climb, swim in the sea when I want to swim, and sleep when I want to sleep.”
In the anime this imagery comes with a lot of context and connotations that I’m not implying at all —thankfully, this is a very different situation — but as I watched it this past week I couldn’t help but feel like I related a little.
The idea of leaving life behind for at least a short time, ignoring the world, myself and all the obligations I have, and seeing something new — it feels particularly attractive at the moment.
Now this is not a new feeling— the need to take a break and recharge our batteries is a well worn idea — but it somehow seems to return with a new urgency each time, and for me, it is especially strong this year.
With every short gloomy day in lockdown, with all the people I’m not keeping in touch with who deserve better, with there being so much to continually decide and do…
My heart aches to see only blue sky.
I want to feel the wind, to stand on a cliff looking over a rough sea, or to climb to the top of a tree or a mountain — to go where there are no walls and no barriers and see the world.
As if, for a moment, I wouldn’t have to do anything, I could just be.
But sadly, that’s not how life works, at least not that I’ve found. Especially at the moment.
Responsibilities can’t just be run away from, friends shouldn’t be abandoned, life goes on regardless of if we’re allowing it to or not.
Recently I’ve noticed people saying focus on yourself this year — in fact, I saw it scrolling down twitter this morning. And yes, it’s important to look after ourselves — neglecting our health and emotional wellbeing is definitely not helpful, particularly now when we’re so disconnected. But it’s for that reason that I think it’s important to look to others more.
There are people around us right now who are alone, who aren’t coping, whose world is heavy on their backs and whose legs are feeling weaker each day.
There are people who need a friend.
Saying it’s a duty is a bit strong and adding more pressure onto an already weary heart definitely won’t help. But for me, looking away from myself takes me out of my head and brings a little calm into the previous buzz.
It’s almost like I’m raising my head above that layer of cloud — it gives me space to breathe.
Because the truth is we don’t always need to go somewhere else to feel free.
Responsibilities can be stressful, and loneliness a heavy weight, but being the one to reach out can make all the difference — for both ourselves and those we’re talking to.
So instead of hopping up onto that plane, I’m trying to learn how to turn back around and head home, to unpack my things, and pick up my phone, to share in a little moment of freedom with someone else who is feeling just as lonely as I am.
Because those small acts of friendship can do so much.
Even if small acts are all we have the energy to give.
