The Art of the Game
What happens when 2 self-confessed flirts put their macking skills to the test
Flirting is an art form. While some people need years of practice to develop their technique and hone their skills, others can just pick up a pencil and draw. Whether you are on the giving or receiving end, flirtation can be an exciting experience; however it can also burst into a ball of flames leaving you embarrassed and walking away with your tail between your legs. Despite technological advancements in our society, there is not much hope of this changing. As the saying goes, the game is the game.
Thus, I decided that it would be fun to test out just how good some of these experienced flirts are. Hence, I devised a game. It is a simple game, but much like the real world of potential sexual encounters, it can be unforgiving. I interviewed 2 gentleman who would not shy away from telling you about their prowess with the opposite sex. These are the types of guys who can be found with makeup smudged all over their face at the end of a night out if they can be found at all. In this interview I set them up in a scenario — whether it be in a club or a house party — where they had caught the interest of an attractive young woman. They would then have to drop their best lines to try woo this hypothetical lady. The gag was that for every witty remark they made, I would flip a coin. If they called the side it landed on correctly — heads or tails — the girl (played by me) would respond positively to their advances and vice versa. In order to completely win this girl over they had to call the coin correctly 5 times. However, if they erred 3 times, their desired girl would run out of patience and fully pie them off. During this courting process, however, if the interviewee calls the coin correctly three times, he will be faced with a wildcard scenario and will have to react appropriately. For the sake of their privacy, I changed their names. That being said, let the games begin.
Scenario 1: Club
Me: Alright… so ah… you’re in the club, music is banging, it’s pumping. It’s a good night, you’ve had a bit to drink, you’re feeling good… and you’re getting another drink, but before you order, you look across the bar and there’s this lovely lady giving you the eyes. What do you do?
Rob: Umm… make eye contact and smile.
Me: That all? That seems pretty weak dude but okay, let’s see how she reacts to that. *flips coin* Heads or tails?
Rob: Heads.
Me: It is heads, indeed! So… she smiles back, gives you a wave. I can’t believe that worked man, but what’s your next move?
Rob: Uhh… walk over there and introduce myself and say, “Hey, how’re you doing?”
Me: Alright, calm… sweet. I mean, it worked for Joey. Let’s see how she reacts. Heads or tails?
Rob: Heads
Me: Heads again? *flips coin* [dramatic pause] It is tails! She does not like that. She looks at you and says, “Can you not think of anything better to say?” She’s cold man [laughter] you’ve got one right, one wrong. Pressure is on. How do you react to that?
Rob: [chuckles] I say, “What’s a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?”
Me: [more laughing] Alright, alright, let’s see if she finds that funny. *flips coin* Heads or tails?
Rob: [reluctantly] Heads. [more confidently] Heads every time.
Me: You’re sticking with heads!? Oh it’s heads! So umm… she giggles. Says, “Oh so you’ve got jokes? Not just good looks, I see.” There it goes, ball’s in your court. That’s two right. What else you got for us in your game? Are you spitting some bars? How much further can it go?
Rob: Uhh… no, I’ve got nothing dude
Me:[encouragingly] Come on! Don’t crack! She is fine. Just get that in your head. Very hot. She is very attractive. She might be you baby mama [laughter] you don’t want to let this go. Come on.
Rob: [through laughter] So uhh… that’s when I ask her her name.
Me: Oh you’re gonna ask her her name? [sarcastically] Bold. Heads or tails?
Rob: I’m going to go tails this time.
Me: Tails? Changing the pattern?
Rob: [cockily] Breaking it up.
Me: Alright, alright, let’s see if you’ve got it… *flips coin* it is tails! [Rob sighs with relief] She tells you her name is Alisha. Alright Rob, so you’ve got three calls correct. Now its time for your wildcard. I’m gonna read the scenario out to you and I’m going to give you 10 seconds to react. Okay? Okay. You’re gonna want to think of something to do or say to win over Alisha. Remember you’ve kinda moved a bit slow right now so you might want to give your heavy hitters after this. Power moves only. Here goes. Some girl you kinda know comes over and hugs you… then bites your ear. Not a little nibble, not a love bite. She’s starving and has fully Mike Tysoned your ear. What do you do?
Rob: [laughter] Quick question, am I bleeding?
Me: [trying not to laugh] You’re not bleeding, but your ear is very sore [fails in attempt not to laugh]
Rob: So… I try not to react [I burst into laughter] I say, “What the hell are you doing,” [pause] in a friendly way [more laughter] trying to play it off a little cool. Say, “Hey Alisha, we should go where there aren’t people biting us.” Take her by the hand and walk her to the dance floor.
Me: Walk her to the dance floor, that’s what I’m talking about! Strong move. Let’s see if Alisha likes it. Heads or tails?
Rob: [clearly regretting taking this interview] Heads. Back to heads.
Me: Alright, sticking to what you know. *flips coin* It is tails![cynical laughter that can only come from viewing another’s misfortune] So.. you take Alisha by the hand to the dance floor, you get to the dance floor, she sees your moves…
Rob: Oh it’s a wrap.
Me: And she is not impressed at all. You’re like double-dabbing — never double dab man, just don’t do it — and just generally dancing off beat. BUT… you’re still on the dance floor. Let’s see if you can make some magic happen. That’s your second strike though. Let’s see what you got.
Rob: So I’m dancing?
Me: Ya, you’re dancing… or at least you’re trying to.
Rob: Okay… umm, well you know, I’m going to say, let’s go get a drink! Wait… is this my last move or do I have another one?
Me: Nah, you can only get one more wrong and you need to get two right.
Rob: Okay, then I say let’s go get a drink. Take her hand back to the bar, the friend’s gone and I buy two shots of tequila.
Me: *flips coin* Heads or tails? It’s crunch time.
Rob: You know what, I gotta stick with heads on this.
Me: This is for Alisha man, you can’t mess up, there’s no room for mistakes. After this, it could be all over.
Rob: [paranoidly talking to himself] … No, it’s going to be heads.
Me: … It is tails.
Rob: [screams in anguish] NO!
Me: [rejoicing in Rob’s failure] Alisha says, “Are you trying to get me drunk?” Your move is not impressive. She says she has to go the bathroom, walks away and never comes back. You don’t see Alisha for the rest of the night… until, you’re just about to leave, you peep the dance floor, and there she is, tonguing another guy.
Rob: [more anguish] Nooooooooooo.
Me: You did not have the sauce I’m sorry. Game recognise game… and you’re looking a little unfamiliar.
Rob: I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t happened before. But I’d just like to note, that any girl worth her salt would have taken the drink before disappearing to the bathroom.
Me: [thinks deeply] You are correct and I apologise profusely for this inaccuracy.
After Rob lost Alisha to another man and failed to seize the throne of King Flirt, I diverted my attentions to Thabo, in order to see whether he had what it took to come out on top.
Scenario 2: House Party
Me: Alright, so you’re at this house party, it’s banging, the music is playing loud. You’re a bit faded and, umm, you’re sitting on the couch right now just trying to catch your breath. Then this peng ting, certified spice, comes and sits next to you. She introduces herself and says, “Hi, my name is Amy.” What do you do?
Thabo: Umm… I’d be like, “That’s a nice name. My name is Thabo. Why did you decide to come sit next to me then?”
Me: Alright. Let’s see if she likes that. I’m going to flip the coin. *flips coin* Heads or tails?
Thabo: Heads.
Me: [disappointingly] It is tails.
Thabo: [frustrated] So tight
Me: [laughter] Now this girl gives you a funny look right, and says, “What do you mean why’d I come sit next to you? Is there something wrong with you?” How do you react?
Thabo: Oi umm, “Is there something wrong with me? No there’s nothing wrong with me, but you could have sat anywhere else in this entire house and you decided to come and sit specifically next to me. Was there something that attracted you or?”
Me: [approvingly] Alright a bit smooth, that’s a decent line, 7/10, let’s see how it goes *flips coin*
Thabo: I always go with my prime intuition and that’s heads.
Me: It’s heads! [celebrations ensue] So she says, “Alright, fine, I’m not gonna lie, I saw you there and I was feeling you a little bit.” So… what’s your next move? Where do we go from here?
Thabo: Look, I’d kinda be just like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, well I’m kinda feeling you too, so are you staying here long or are you about to go home?”
Me: Fair enough. Let’s see *flips coin*.
Thabo: Tails.
Me: Tails? [dramatic pause] It is tails [Thabo cheers]. She goes, “I’m here for as long as you want me to be here.”
Thabo: [reluctantly] Ah it’s very tight.
Me: [through laughter] You’re doing well. It’s smooth. What do you got for us. Hit us with the fire
Thabo: It’s game over. So I be like, “So the reason why I’m saying this is cause I’m quite tired and I want to go home. I have a car outside and… [I laugh] so do you want to come back to mine and maybe get something to eat?”
Me: [excited] Oh we’re moving strong! We’re moving very fast. Let’s see if she likes your forwardness *flips coin*.
Thabo: Heads.
Me: Heads? [dramatic pause] It is heads!
Thabo: [amped] Let’s go! Come on! What!
Me: [calm] Alright, alright, she’s like, “Wow, that sounds… I like that. That sounds like a good plan. Just give me 5 minutes then we can go.”
Thabo: Aw, here comes the wildcard.
Me: [laughs menacingly] Yep, here comes the wildcard.
Thabo: [forebodingly] It’s when they leave, when they leave, that’s when it all goes wrong.
Me: Okay… you’re still sitting on the couch with Amy, she’s just said yes to getting into your car, getting some food and that, you’re going home. THEN, some girl whose name you can’t even remember, but you got with her one time after a date but you never texted her back cause her breath kinda smelt like Cheetos…
Thabo: Aw so tight.
Me: And you don’t even know where she got the Cheetos from cause you took her to Nandos…
Thabo: Aw so tight
Me: and her breath was smelling like Cheetos before the Nandos, and even after all the peri-peri chicken it was still just Cheetos… anyway, back to the point. She comes over and tells Amy not to talk to you cause you gave her chlamydia [laughter]. What is your move, what is your move, what is your move?
Thabo: Nah, I just tell the girl straight up, “Look, basically, I took her out and then I pied her off and now she’s not happy so she’s spreading lies about me. We never had sex and when I do have sex, I don’t go raw, so I know she’s lying.”
Me: Okay, so you explain yourself. Just straight up.
Thabo: [affirmatively] Straight up.
Me: Alright, let’s see how she takes it *flips coin*.
Thabo: Heads.
Me: Alright. It is tails.
Thabo: [hopelessly] Awww no, it’s so tight now. It’s so tight.
Me: [amusedly] Is that the second incorrect call? Alright, so… first she doesn’t buy your explanation. She’s like, “Okay, maybe you didn’t give her chlamydia, but you definitely screwed her over some way if she’s out here moving this mad. So are you some type of demon or something?”
Thabo: Nah I’d be like, “Look, the last time I spoke to her was a month ago. Since then I’ve had time to kind of sit down and look at myself and think that that’s not the kind of guy I want to be. So since then I’ve had time to evaluate and learn and, you know, change it up.”
Me: [cackling] So you think explaining further is the correct approach to take? That you’re a reformed demon?
Thabo: [smugly] I’ve changed.
Me: So you admit your faults and hope she doesn’t think you’re gonna screw her over [eye roll]. Let’s see. You know it’s very tight now because if you get it wrong, then it’s a wrap. She just said she was going back to your car but could this wild card have ruined your plans *flips coin*?
Thabo: [sighs] Heads.
Me: [let’s the suspense sink in] It is tails.
Thabo: [devastated] Noooooooooo!
Me: [again, delighting in the failure of others] That’s it! It’s over! That’s the end! You have been pied off! She doesn’t buy your story at all, [Thabo is still groaning in heartbreak] she says that she doesn’t fuck with fuckboys, see you later. Next time you see her she’s grinding on another man, giving him the duttiest of whines [more groaning]. You’ve got a first hand view on what you missed out on. Everyone’s got their snapchat out filming them. Now it’s all over your stories. Just before you go you see her lips him [Thabo let’s out a cry of defeat]. You go home alone, in your car, with your food, feeling sorry for yourself. That’s the end of your night.
Thabo: Wow man, you didn’t have to do me like that.
As it turned out, not even straight-talking Thabo could quite master the art of the game. Just goes to show how flirting can very much be similar to navigating a minefield. One false step, and there goes your leg to stand on. Failure is never the end though, and is more often a learning curve to set you on the correct path for next time. Our most disastrous encounters, often make for our most cherished stories. For some people anyway. Not me though. Every time I shoot, I score.
Nothing but net baby.
