This is Me
So many times I’ve heard the phrases ‘I’m finding myself’ or ‘I need to figure out who I am,’ and to be honest, I never really understood what they meant, neither did I ever try to understand them. I felt, it was the go to statement for the melodramatic who’s life had taken an unexpected turn. Sure, life might not be dandy for you right now, but self proclaiming an identity crisis is a bit much, I thought. But I was young, a caterpillar at the time and so I couldn’t yet understand the realities of a butterfly.
I was always considered mature. I am the oldest of five and so I assumed a lot of responsibilities in my house. Growing up, I witnessed my mother work hard, her tired eyes struggling to stay open as they meet my gaze, I saw through her superwoman armour. The ‘S’ on her chest was threadbare and her smile was growing weaker. I noticed. And so I assumed the role of her sidekick, me and mum against the world. It helped me mature. I knew that experience had aged me well, and I enjoyed it; I enjoyed feeling wise and responsible.
Throughout my teenage years I was a caterpillar. Life’s experience was my sustenance, and I was fat and full of life. Crawling through the forest looking for more food to eat, I discovered that some tree barks are bumpy and some are smooth. The spiny bristles on my body did not make me ugly, but were a mechanism for my survival. And the most important lesson of all was that a change was coming and there is nothing I could do to stop it. I reluctantly hung myself upside down the nearest twig and began to spin into my protective silk casing as I prepared for the stage that was yet to come. I pondered, wondering who else might also be welcoming change into their lives, what this change might look like, and how I might greet it when it arrives.
They say ‘University is a bubble.’ Well for me, university isn’t a bubble but a cocoon. It is where I currently reside as a pupa tucked away from the outside world. I was crawling, but now it is time I learn to fly. This is where the biggest transformation takes place. Where you are forced to look at the person in the mirror and see yourself for who you are. Who are you? I ask as the reflection seems so unfamiliar, the metamorphosis distorting the perception of my identity. Who am I? I ask as I fall upon a familiar gaze. My antennae begins forming, the scales on my fore wing thicken. The change is inevitable now, my only choice is to accept and embrace it. So I ask, when this cocoon sheds and my crumpled wings are set free to soar into the sky, what will the world see? Well, I’m afraid I’m still figuring that out, paintbrush in hand creating the masterpiece that is to be me.
“Actualising greatness will often cost you people,places and things. The price is so high that many opt out and embrace normalcy. But those who understand they were born for greatness and choose to weather the storms of transition and change will experience a limitless and unfathomable existence.”
To be continued…
Edited with thanks to Elena
