This Story Ruined Me — But I Loved it…
How a book labelled by fans and critics as ‘Torture Porn’ made me sob for weeks:
Disclaimer: If you would like to read ‘A Little Life’, I strongly urge you to review the trigger warnings, as there is a very long list of them. If you struggle with any trauma or mental health issues that are mentioned in the trigger warnings, I encourage you to take extra precaution if you decide to read this.
Last year I wanted to challenge myself to overcome my BBF.
My ‘Big Book Fear’.
I had heard things about this book, believed to be one of the most upsetting books ever written called ‘A Little Life’ by Hanya Yanagihara, which ironically, was 720 pages long. I have always enjoyed reading, but reading big books was out of my comfort zone, as I read very slowly, so I thought I’d challenge myself.
Now… I am a sucker for all films, shows, and videos that make me cry — happy or sad. I love crying (I know I’m a weirdo). There is something so cathartic about crying, I don’t know what it is. Just the other day I witnessed two strangers’ proposal and cried. I’ve even cried at the Disney movie Bolt!
I know, how embarrassing…
But I had never once read a book that had made me cry. With the knowledge that people were crying after reading this book was enough for me to pick it up, despite how chunky it was. Even on some editions of the book there is a crying man on the front cover. It’s as if Yanagihara knew that this book was going to destroy people, so she thought she would sprinkle some more ironic sadness on ‘A Little Life’.
The book is about a group of four lifelong friends, Jude, Willem, JB and Malcom, all unreservedly bound to Jude, who they all know has a very secretive and troubling past filled with trauma that bleeds into his everyday life. We are exposed to the group’s lives as university students, up until they are fully grown adults, their highs and lows, their friendships and riffs.
Let me tell you, I don’t think I will ever come across anything in writing as heart-warming, heart-breaking and disturbing as this masterpiece.
I had become emotionally attached to these characters, I had lived through their pain and their happiness, their love and their loss, I experienced it as they did. The more I read the more attached I became to these characters. This is when I realised that big books make you develop stronger emotions for characters than any other book, and with this, while I was away from the book, I began thinking about the characters more and more, and by the time I knew it I had finished it in less than two weeks.
I had sobbed countless times in between and after, having to put the book down on multiple occasions, unable to read anymore, because I could not see the words on the page from all of the tears.
Days after finishing the book I would scroll through Reddit forums and Goodreads reviews at night, watching interviews with Yanagihara, even watching people’s recordings of their live reactions on YouTube so I can experience this happiness and sadness all over again with them. I would cry thinking about it all — I know it sounds pathetic, but what can I say? I love crying.
Now I am over my BBF.
If anything, now all I think about is the next big book that I’ll cry to.
But nothing will compare to ‘A Little Life’…
