What I Wish I Had Known Before Running Into An Old Flame

Dear future me, if you’re reading this and you ended up with him, give yourself a slap and pack your bags immediately. You should be ashamed of yourself, you know you’re better than this.

You will never get over him, there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s just how life is. Seek comfort in knowing that every girl has a “him”, but don’t ever go there again or seek his qualities in future guys.

You know those ones that you met at the peak of your fluctuating hormones, and decided they were your first love? Those ones that you would do anything for, whilst they gave nothing in return, and yet you still couldn’t get enough? They didn’t consider you enough to make excuses, so you’d do it for them to convince yourself that it honestly was that they got caught up, and not that they didn’t want to speak to you. Truth is, and you knew it deep down, but you were a game to them. The free trial of a game they’d had their eye on for a while, but one they didn’t like enough to invest the full price for. It’s not fair, you had no say in the matter. And to this day, there’s a collection of unanswered questions that keep a small piece of you attached to him, the most important being… what if?

Yep, we all have one.

If you’re lucky, the ordeal lasted no longer than a year. Just enough time for you to test the relationship waters, cry, learn some things about yourself, and cry some more before life pulled you in separate directions and the chapter came to an end.

But sometimes, some sick and twisted force decides you’re not quite done learning from this, and that chapter, locked up in a dusty confidential file deep in the back of your mind, is flung wide open again.

This happened to me not so long ago, I found myself half cut in a nightclub of all places, (wow perfect setting fate, couldn’t have been at a time when I am coherent no?) buying a round of drinks when my best friend turns to me and says, “oi, turn around you will never guess who is behind us!”

I don’t know how but I didn’t have to turn around. I already knew. The butterflies in my stomach knew, my jelly-like knees knew, my burning cheeks and ears knew.

Long story short, we talked for multiple hours, reminiscing and reacquainting ourselves as adults. But for those few hours, it was as if I’d travelled in time. On the outside I was still present day me, but internally I was transported back to my younger self, craving his attention and approval once again. Desperate for answers. Where did it all go wrong? What did I do? Why didn’t you want me? It carried on for weeks after we parted ways. I had somehow convinced myself that I no longer wanted my boyfriend of 5 years, who I live with, have shared incredible memories with and have planned my life with. I was ready to fuck it all up for what? For the sake of finding out how the story ends? For 5 seconds of nostalgia?

Eventually, I had had enough. I sat myself down, had a cry and said to myself… You will never get over him, there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s just how life is. Seek comfort in knowing that every girl has a “him”. I wouldn’t let myself feel guilty for it anymore. If that’s how I feel then that’s okay, it’s perfectly acceptable. I wouldn’t live under the illusion that life was treating me unfairly and ruining things for me. Every girl has been through something like this before, and each and every one has come out the other side stronger. To quote the great Ian McKellan, “This too, shall pass”.

It’s like listening to your favourite song from 2009, it’s nice to relive it for a moment, it will always be your favourite song from 2009, but you have experienced new songs and you’re taste has changed. Enjoy it while it lasts but don’t go and download it. It belongs in 2009.