What I Wish I Knew Before Watching the Bee Movie
There are times in human history where you just have to sit back and wonder:
What the actual fuck?
In our modern time especially, the world is a scary and dangerous place where, somehow, our only solace is to meme the satire out of badly written kids movies.
This brings us to the topic of this article, the sublime entity, the abomination of a film, the epitome of what-the-fuckery: the Bee Movie. A film that was dragged by current internet users from the swampy media wasteland that was 2007, a year, which let’s be honest, a lot of us would much rather forget ever existed.
This phenomenon is reminiscent to the famous quote; “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Because apparently a film so ludicrously terrible which should have been forgotten until some strange lot decided to revive this long dead disaster and force us all to view it once more to break the internet years later.
Though what makes this film so awful, or for some a classic masterpiece?
Let’s take a step back for a moment. Imagine you’re a brilliant, independent woman. You have this stable job selling bouquets, a gorgeous apartment, and a boyfriend who very much loves and supports you. He may be a little competitive when it comes to your weekend tennis matches but that’s a quality that you simply just can’t resist. Oh. And he has a good job to boot. Score!
Then one fateful, seemingly ordinary day your life changes, for the better? Who can say?
I can.
It’s definitely for the worse; a pesky bee has arrived in your house with a voice eerily familiar to Jerry Seinfield. Your boyfriend (who is also rather fittingly allergic to bees) immediately tries to kill it; however you, being the kind soul that you are, you spare the poor creature and let it outside to return to its colony so it can continue its job as a honey bee, and die a pleasant death knowing it served the hive. So, you carry on just as you did before, but as if by fate that bee is of course going to change life as we know it.
So the sodding bee comes back. He breaks the one most important of the cardinal rules of the holy beedom — he talks to you. But you don’t notice at first, you hear the luxuriously as smooth as honey voice of Barry B. Benson (no seriously that’s his dumb name), but where from? The telly isn’t on nor is the radio. It’s coming from the kitchen. It’s coming closer. It’s here. It’s… the bee! He has finally returned, with his suave charms, buzzing puns, and is asking about your cultured taste in music.
And thus begins a ridiculous chain of events that for some reason you decide to partake in, leading bees everywhere to literally sue mankind for their vile extraction of honey from bee hives using smokers. Like seriously, there is a race joke inserted somewhere in there too.
Then sadly your dire commitment to the bee starts to put strain on your work, and most importantly your love life, and when your human boyfriend reacts in a perfectly sane manner to you who is literally giving their whole life over to a fucking bee.
So what do you do? You kick him out. So long the stable future and pitifully mediocre sex life.
But hey! At least you have the bee right?
Nope.
That fucker done fucked off back home and is taking a vacay while you pick up the tattered pieces of your once secure life. Oh and to make matters worse that bee’s having wet dreams about you. And when the bees get their shit together and decide to go back to work they produce ‘bee friendly’ honey and you’re sad, alone with no lovers, be they homosapien or apis.
But wait. You’re suddenly reminded of the bee with his courageous, non-conformist attitude. You begin to catch yourself making odd glances, laughing at his jokes and soon you want to fuck the shit out of him.
The sex can’t be that bad right?
Um… Yes it can. It’s a bee. So say so long to any more orgasms, but hey at least you did a good thing? Right?
Wrong again! While the bees were sitting on their asses doing absolutely bloody nothing, all the planets eco systems have been destroyed and all the plants are now fucking dead. Good job you. At least the bees fixed it?
Still the damage done is irreversible.
Some plant species will never be seen again. Like all things in life, it travels up the eco system and soon more plants die, small animals die then bigger animals soon follow. As food sources become scarce every government turns on their people, the strong and powerful prey on the weak. Ties in Humanity’s bonds are severed and war is clearly inevitable. You are eventually stuck, huddled under the tables of your out-of-business flower shop and as the bombs begin to fall you find yourself wondering “was this all my fault?”
Yes. Yes it was. All because you wanted to fuck a bee. Have fun in the apocalypse. But hey at least the bees might be bigger now because you know, radiation and shit. Huh. Might get some satisfying sex after all.
However, we must give the film some credit where it is due, despite all the… questionable artistic licence by the directors, it is definitely a film with its own quirks. Like what distinguishes this feature better than half-decent comedy is its detailed insight into the bee mentality. It is a shame, however, that it could not keep up its energetic and fun pace established within its first act. Its moral that even the smallest creature can make a world of difference is one to be appreciated. Then, again it still concerns me the ever budding relationship between Miss Bestiality and Honey Nuttin’. So I guess what I’m really saying is that wish I knew not to watch the Bee Movie before I watched the Bee Movie.
With thanks to Georgia-Ann Carter
