What I Wish I Would Have Known Before…
Cycling in the Land of Tea and Scones
Britain, Britain, Britain, land of technological achievement. You’ve had running water for over ten years, you (apparently) have a tunnel connecting you to Peru, and you invented the cat. But despite these inventions, however fascinating they may be, you forgot a minor detail: to teach your people something called appropriate-behaviour-towards-cyclists.
Being a cyclist on this island means that you better have your will and testament all written down. If you have a death wish anyways, you should definitely go for it! Your wish will probably come true. In short, cycling in the UK is reckless and absolutely demented.
And the sad thing about it: I seem to be weary of life as well, because I joined this reckless lot. Well, ‘lot’ actually doesn’t really hit the nail on the head as the roads out here are pretty deserted — cyclist-wise. And I see the reason why. It’s war out here; the survival of the fittest, literally.
On first sight, the islanders are a friendly people. But the second they get into their cars and put their key in their car’s ignition, they release their inner Rumpelstiltskin and turn into angry lunatics. They seem to lose any patience whatsoever. The choleric driver’s favourite victim in order to release his anger is the cyclist — the weakest road-user of them all. I would even say, weaker than pedestrians as they at least have their own paths to walk on. The cyclist, however, will barely find any paths dedicated to him. He instead, has to share the road with aggressive drivers of cars, busses and lorries, who behave just like little children when it comes to sharing: they simply refuse to do so.
In some way, I can understand their rage. I would not want to swap with anyone in a car when it comes to rush hours. Hell, no! You spend more time waiting than actually driving and on top of that, a manoeuvrable cyclist threads his way through the traffic jam and will be home in no time whereas this picture of misery sitting in his metal cage is stuck in the good old stop-and-go. I would go berserk as well.
But: The fact that you are angry about your situation, dear motorist, does not justify your Rumpelstiltskin attitude! It was your choice to get into your car in the morning — probably for a ridiculously short distance — because you thought it would be quicker than the train, bus or bike. Well, more fool you! You will have to take the consequences for that! But clearly, you prefer blaming the rest of the world (in this case: the cyclists) for the poor decisions you make. For example, as soon as you are stuck behind a cyclist who is a little bit slower than you, you lose any patience. If it was up to you, you would probably just overrun the cyclist, but as this would bring you straight into prison, you usually decide to terrorise the cyclist. Your favourite methods are: tailgating, revving up your engine (the louder, the better!), honking or turning up the headlights. Once you are able to overtake, you won’t stop annoying the cyclist. Instead, you will overtake with just enough distance to not squash the cyclist between your car and the parking cars (after all, you don’t want to ruin the lacquer of your precious car) and if you are serious, you will wind down your window and scream like a furious chimpanzee while hammering your fist against your steering-wheel. Not only is your behaviour dangerous, it also looks ridiculous!
Dear driver, I am not willing to put up with your behaviour anymore! And I realised that you are not going to change because you just don’t care. You enjoy bullying cyclists and you get satisfaction by showing us that you are stronger than we are. You own the roads and if we don’t want to stick to your windscreen like a dead fly in summer, we better bow to you and accept your reign. Oh, you wish! I am not willing to give in quietly! And I decided to beat you at your own game. Honestly, I can be as much of a sadistic dickhead as you are! And frankly speaking, I enjoy it! Oh sweet revenge! You want to know what this little worm on two wheels can do against your bullying? I only say: narrow one-way streets. And there are plenty of them in Britain, oh yes! And I will cycle in the middle of them, you cruising behind me. And as soon as you start turning into Rumpelstiltskin, I will just go slower. And there is nothing you can do about it! You come closer, I go slower, you start honking, I go slower, your motor starts howling, I go slower, you start screaming, I go slower, you start hammering on your steering-wheel, I change to a higher gear and… go slower! Oh, so slow! The angrier you get, the slower I drive… this is the sweet taste of justice, haha!
With thanks to Suzie Patterson
