What I wish I’d Known Before I Became a Lover of Rom-Coms
They idolise unrealistic forms of love.
Like many women, and even men, I’m stuck in the crux of being a rom-com addict and evaluating my life against every chick flick I’ve ever seen, which — by the way — is a lot.
Sadly, the implausible plots, unrealistic endings and unachievable romances perpetuate the myth of love that only leads to disappoint in the real world. They create an element of delusion whether we are aware of it or not. The love portrayed is heart racing, soul consuming and fantastically epic. It is not in the least attainable. However, we’re made to believe that because the protagonist is a bit awkward like us that it is probable. In reality, some flawless, six-foot something, ripped man is not going to fall madly in love with me and be gifted in the art of mind reading. Love is far more confusing, awkward and messier in real life than the movies have us believe. Chances are the person you’ll fall in love with will be exceptionally ordinary, but that is not a bad thing, rather, it is realistic.
From a young age we were subjected to this notion of perfect love. Whether it was Disney, High School Musical or Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging, they made us feel like we needed a relationship and that the relationship had to be perfect.
One moment sticks out vividly in my head of this. It was the evening that my boyfriend of 3 and half years had broken up with me and who happens to come on the TV? Bridget Jones. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bridget. She doesn’t conform to the expected female image, she’s plucky and the moment she declares that she would rather wipe Saddam Hussein’s arse than work with Daniel Cleaver is iconic. However, at the pivotal moment when she starts singing ‘All By Myself’, I felt panicked, worried and even stressed that I would never fall in love again. Let me add I was 19. 19 years old and I was concerned that I would never find love again, concerned I’d be labelled a spinster and left attending a turkey curry buffet on my own, wearing a jumper knitted by my mum. So why is it that rom-coms project this image that we need a man, that in order to achieve self-fulfilment we need to have a boyfriend. It’s harmful to girls’ self-images to think that they can’t be happy if they are on their own.
So why don’t we just watch something else? We know it’s not right to crave this perfected version of love and become infatuated with it, but the plots are comforting and predictable which makes binge watching them so simple. So, is it really that surprising that we compare the person sitting next to us, who hasn’t bought us flowers since Valentine’s Day, to the on-screen hunk.
I for one know I’m still waiting for my own Andrew Lincoln to turn up to my house with placards, for hot men to fight over me while ‘It’s raining men’ plays in the background and to get all close and steamy with a hot dance instructor. But, if we look really closely at some of these moments we will find that they are inherently creepy. Take Andrew Lincoln’s character — Mark — who, in reality, is a creepy stalker that pursues his best friend’s wife and films her in secret. We rationalise dangerous behaviour because it’s done on the grounds of love. Christian Grey is another prime example. His wealth and handsome charm deflect from the fact that he has severe psychological problems that he takes out on Anastasia Steele by hitting her with a belt.
It’s important that we understand the distinction between Hollywood and us so we don’t try and internalise what we see on screen. We need to remember that they don’t include the boring stuff, we shouldn’t expect our partner to know what we want without telling them and that men and women really can just be friends.
It may be too late for me, but you can still be saved from comparing yourself and your relationship to rom-coms.
With thanks to Dan Blank
