You Have To Move On
Some chapters are meant to be closed.
There’s an unspoken pressure to cling to things forever. With that pressure comes the expectation of time standing still and for people to never change.
In our heads, we keep a log of so much — from anniversaries to small reminders to reply to that person or reach out to someone else. We do this not only out of affection and chivalry but also because it connects us to times that have passed.
Maybe it’s a past full of regrets that you’re trying to come to terms with or a past that seems so idyllic you can’t let go.
I know many people who seem to live their lives with one foot stuck in bittersweet nostalgia. And while I don’t blame anyone who feels this way (I’m guilty of this, too), it’s a tiresome way of living.
It is hard to say whether it’s a natural consequence of growing up or having two years of your life be completely affected by a pandemic. Chances are, it’s both.
Either way, living life constantly caught up in what if’s is painful. We bring ourselves to tears over subjective memories — the details of which slowly become hazy.
We cling onto what’s been and gone because we fear going forward into something more uncertain. It’s easier to daydream about what we had or could have had because we’re afraid to ask the question of what we truly want. Even if the answer isn’t that scary.
One year ago, I was part of a society at my university. I have fond memories of those (virtual) events and people, but those memories don’t reveal the whole truth in what I felt at the time.
In that year, I had realised that this hobby wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore. I was stressed and exhausted over things that felt inconsequential — a distraction from my real upsets over friendships falling apart. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but I had to move on because I wasn’t happy.
I still think about those times a lot. There are moments where I miss it, and there are plenty of memories I relive in my mind, wondering what I would have said or done differently. I wonder how things would’ve gone if I’d been less shy — if I’d gone to that social or gotten to know that person.
As I was finding my feet, we were all knocked off-course by an event outside our control: the pandemic. This led to further spiralling as the ‘what if’s clouded an entire year of studies.
What if my university experience had been normal?
Unfortunately, it’s a question to which my year group will never get an answer. And asking these questions time and time again does not change anything — it only makes us sad.
The past is our guide, but it isn’t our home.
The past two years are chapters of my life which mean so much to me, but they are also chapters that must be closed. I’m not a 1st-year anymore. Honestly, I don’t want to be.
I’ve grown so much in these years, and while I’m still figuring things out, I’m much closer to what I want out of life than I was before. It’s something I can only get to if I accept what never was.
So many people come and go throughout our lives, and I guarantee that you will witness all kinds of relationships.
There are people whom you’ll meet and will never let go of.
No matter how hard you may fight against it , there are connections where the fire will fizzle out into smoke.
And then there’s that grey in-between, the people who you inexplicably hope to meet again even if there’s little to say. Maybe you’ll run into them five years from now; perhaps you’ll never see them again. Who knows?
You have to take chances and accept what isn’t yours. You have to take people as they are — not whom you want them to be.
Call it a cliché, but if something doesn’t work out, it usually means that something better and distinctly yours is around the corner. So keep on trying, make a thousand trials and errors until you find what’s right for you. I promise it’ll be worth it.
Besides, once you get your head out of the clouds, you realise that everyone’s the same… We’re all slightly awkward, overthinking times that have since flown by.
