The Mistakes I Made as a Female Lawyer.
Don’t make the same mistakes.
I’ve paid my dues
Time after time
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I’ve come through — Queen, We Are The Champions
So, I am sure we have all been there, situations, choices, careers, where we have made mistakes. A few actually. It is not just an isolated incident, ye, when we think back at how deep you were in your mistakes, then well, the only thing you can say is: “fuck”. Smile and wave. Nod and smile and then move on.
Acknowledge what was, not what is, because what is, is so irrelevant to what was, that there is no point in really going back to that wound and scraping it open all over again.
Take some time, reflect, different from dissecting, and notice what you notice.
Notice and pay close attention to the person who is sitting and writing or reading this piece is in actual fact the same person that made all of those mistakes.
When do you consider something to be a mistake?
Noun: an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.
“coming here was a mistake”
or
Verb: be wrong about.
“because I was inexperienced I mistook the nature of our relationship”
Jip, that is me, “inexperience made me do it”.
I attended my very first deep dive seminar and interpersonal soft skills course during the course of last year hosted by The Creative Consciousness Academy, a Marc Steinberg creation, all the way from Germany.
It was called: Master 1.
It consisted of 4 intensive, I mean intensive days, from 09h00 in the morning to 21h00 at night.
I have to be honest, on day two, I almost quit. This was hard, probably the hardest education that I had ever undergone. True story.
It confronts so many things in you, and about you that you did not even know existed. It opens up a whole new world, a new awareness, a level of empathy and understanding that you never even knew you were capable of. It forced me to take a good hard look in the mirror, and I did. My life was forever changed.
“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
So true, so very, very true.
You see, learning about yourself is more important than any formal education or Law Degree. What use is a fancy law degree without a proper understanding of your true wants, needs, desires, characteristics, strengths or weaknesses?
None. eventually the fact that you are running around like a headless chicken, playing the avatar you have created, will catch up with you and when it does, it can be devastating.
Depression is your body saying f*ck you, I don’t want to be this character anymore, I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me. — Jim Carrey
So where does this stop then? This lack of self-awareness and egotism?
You. It stops with you.
During this Master 1 experience, there was an inquiry into mistakes and forgiveness, holding on to things that happened in your past and what to do about them. How to get past it, if you simply don’t know-how.
Marc Steinberg, the creator, led the inquiry and he explained it quite simple.
He first asked the gentleman if he could forgive himself for what he had done, which act he chose not to disclose.
The man responded by saying that he wanted to, but that he simply could not. Marc then asked him if he was the same person then, that was standing here, that day that he was referring to?
The man answered no, he was not. Marc then asked him that if he, the latter version of him, had insight into what he, the future version had known, would he have done the same thing? Acted the same way? Made the same mistakes?
The man responded after a while when he gently started weeping and admitted that no, he would not have. He would have done it differently, he would have been better.
Marc then asked him that knowing this now and that he only acted out of a lack of awareness and if he had the opportunity to do it differently, that he said he would, could he with this knowledge forgive himself for not knowing better?
The man wept and said yes, he could, and he chose to forgive himself right then and there, and that shit was powerful.
I think more than 50% of the room was crying at a certain stage. I know what this sounds like, all mushy, touchy-feely shit, and trust me you are right. It was exactly what it sounds like, but it was also kind of awesome.
I was always a hard-headed, driven woman, who was not afraid to stand here ground, but damn, who was terribly afraid to show any form of emotion or give any lee-way to a man. This was I suppose, to a great extent, the fault in my stars.
The Master 1 Journey, was just the start and I would complete 3 more like them between August and November 2018, and man, that has made all the difference. I wish this formed a part of my Law School teachings, I would have been a much better lawyer and partner, had it. But hey, hindsight is 20–20 they say.
A letter to all-female lawyers.
Dear Female Lawyer.
I am glad that we are here and I am glad that you have chosen to take some time, a break, to read this letter.
I write this letter from a place of true compassion and empathy.
If anything in this letter offends you or does not sit well with you, I implore you to consider why. Soemtime the things that bother or trigger us are parts of us that we have not healed and therefore truly doing some introspection would be of great benefit.
I am so proud of you for getting to where you are at, you deserve to be here, you have worked hard, harder than some people and you might not have always gotten credit for all that you do.
You have the innate ability to focus on an array of different things, to make sense of it all and to make it work. You contribute generously to your law practice and you do so on a daily basis, without a waiver.
You show up even when you do not feel like it, even when you had to deal with sexism or in the workplace. You still show up.
You show up even when things get tough, even you have had a horrible fight with your husband and that seems to be all you can think about. You show up.
You fight for what you believe to be right, you try and play ball, and succeed predominately, with all the boys in your industry. it is hard sometimes, harder than you anticipated, you revel at a “fight” because why shouldn’t you.
You have more balls than most men out there and yet you seem to be the only one who knows or realizes it.
You do your partners, your clients and yourself proud because you put in the time and effort that is needed to be a successful lawyer. You regard your career as the most important thing in your life, whether you want to admit it or not.
You are driven and determined and you will not stop until the chip on your shoulder has been recognized.
But to this end, I just have a few things to ask you.
I want to ask you to never lose sight of your feminity, never to lose track of who you are deep down, inside and biologically. I want to ask you to never do something out of a place of trying to prove something in a male-dominated industry, for as much as you capable of “playing with the big boys” it does not behoove you to do this.
You have so much power in your feminity that you should never shy away from it or try to fit in with the rest, you should own the things that make you unique, the very things that make you a woman.
There is no shame in taking a bow and exiting this profession if it is not serving you. None. Do not for one-second regard it as a defeat, but rather see it as a learning curve.
Be proud of who you are, live it, breathe it, own it. Everyday.
And if you are reading this and saying to yourself “I have no choice”. you do, you always have a choice. It might not be an easy choice to make, but you do have one.
If you are reading this and thinking that I am way out of line or out of place, then that is also fine, this letter was not meant for you.
I believe that you will make the right decision and just know that I support you either way.
Much love,
Jo.
