Rachel’s Regret

Rachel’s mother couldn’t stop criticizing her, even on her deathbed. The terminally ill woman, who was legally blind and could never fulfill her dream of being a doctor, had raised Rachel on her own after her husband died young, and hoped her daughter might fulfill her dreams. But that path never called to Rachel, and she never disrespect or talked down to her mother, she would always say “Mom wanted what was best for me”. Rachel was by her mother’s bedside in the hospital room, when the nurse gave her the last minutes with her mom, she started reflecting on her issue with her mother. She could not understand why her mother was never proud of her or accepted her, she had so many unanswered questions. Rachel is compassionate with her mom but she cannot help but distance herself when she feel her walls are coming down because that scares her the most. Those walls protect her, make her strong, empowered and independent. They keep a level head on her shoulders and all her deepest darkest emotions and feelings in check. But when she can feel them breaking and weakening she run. She run because she is terrified to see what’s behind them. To let the monster that has been pent up for years harboring pain, disappointment, insecurities, sadness, hurt, distrust, and everything beyond or in between those emotions, free. The memories that have tied her down and broke her surfacing to be relived again. The thoughts that have kept her awake and sleepless for days. She cannot even forgive that side of her. She cannot love that part of herself. She cannot live with the regrets and mistakes she made not fulfilling the one wish her mother begged her to fulfill. The nurse walked in, “ Okay, I am sorry miss. Rachel, it is time”.