How Your Vote Doesn’t Really Matter the Way You Think It Does, Bitch

cheer up Dawson. I’ll explain

I avoid political pieces on Medium like the plague. The Dalai Lama himself could write a political piece in all small caps and it would invariably hit my optic nerves like this: YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID IF YOU DON’T FUCKING VOTE LIKE THIS, BITCH, RAHHHHHRRRRRR!

I avoid politics and political discussion because I don’t know s**t about politics and political discussion, and, one day, I realized how stupid that is given my innate curiosity and how hard my black slave ancestors toiled to … eventually have to vote for a white person? Err. But I digress. I also did some cursory research surprisingly NOT on current U.S. presidential candidates — though important — but on the role of the Electoral College in actually choosing the next President of these great United States of America. Not us bitch. Well kinda.

*Let’s start here:

The United States of America is a federalist country, which means that power is constitutionally divvied up (and always precariously balancing) between the STATES (OF THE PEOPLE) and the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT (boooo).

This is exemplified by the United States Congress, the bicameral legislature of the federal government of the United States, and consisting of the SENATE and the HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. Both chambers are chosen by direct vote. That’s us bitch.

  1. The SENATE has 100 VOTING members. There are 100 because there are 2 representing each state no matter how big or small the state. 50 x 2 = 100 Senators. I don’t think you’re stupid. But I need info written like this to help me understand. Bitch.
  2. The HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES has 435 VOTING members. Reps represent congressional districts in states. This is where all hell breaks loose because each state is entitled to at least 1 rep, but representation is then determined by the population of a state, which is where the U.S. Census comes into play. So when you go all “I’m not answering the door for these Jehovah’s Witnesses” on us, you are not counting. This is also where those beautiful people who do homeless censuses step in. Population is important because even though the HOR (can also be pronounced “whore”) is checked by the powers of the president and the Senate, HOR powers include passing federal laws and electing the next U.S. President should the normal process befuddle itself. Sparsely populated states like Alaska and Delaware have only 1 rep while Cali, the most populous state, has 53 reps. As in Arkansas, some reps are all Republicans. In these cases, a Republican candidate may not spend as much money campaigning there if’n they already see Arkansas in the bag.


= 535 MCs (or Mike Checkas, or Mic Controllers or Members of Congress)

+3 ELECTORS from the District of Columbia (D.C.) (the seat of the federal government, and which is not a state, but is compared to Wyoming in terms of Wyoming being the least populous state (according to a 2010 census), and so having 3 Electors)

ALTOGETHER, THERE ARE 538 ELECTORS. Us bitches vote for these electors to represent us. So if the rep of your district is a non-functional crack addict, you should be worried. You may also have to boil your drinking water tomorrow.

Every 4 years, us bitches go to the polls and cast a vote for the president AND AN UNNAMED (sometimes) ELECTOR who will then cast a ballot in a separate election FOR THE NEXT PRESIDENT AND VEE PEE OF THE UNITED STATES. What us bitches are doing is casting a popular vote. You think you’re voting for Hilary but, surprise bitch!, you’re voting for Barry Levenworth ?, who’s probably been sexting all day.

That’s why you’re all confused at the voting place when your ticket looks like this:

George Bush

Dick Cheney

Delores Williams ?


You (and nepotism and election rigging and sexual favors and everything else out of your control) put reps in office and those reps put presidents in office. It’s the circle of life, really.

With the exception of several states that make electors vote for candidates who receive the popular vote, an elector is not required to vote for a candidate of his party. But c’mon, how awkward would that be at the next meeting full of megalomaniac psychopaths?

The candidate who receives a majority 270 votes from your electors wins the presidency.

If no candidate gets a majority of electoral votes, all the election turns toward the House of Representatives all confused, and the WHORE says well, alright, I guess I’ll do it.

Candidates can win the electoral vote and lose the popular vote and still become President.

Remember George Bush? That’s why all us bitches were all walking around scratching our heads, like how — when I voted for — ?

Florida decided Bush with 29 votes in 2000. Of course. Florida is bi. It’s a swing state and can go either way. These are the states campaigning candidates pound their nuts against. Well, and vaginas now too.

Of course, the Electoral College is often criticized, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a product of a 2-family, federalist democratic household.

Directory of HOR Representatives:

What is the Electoral College?

How the Electoral College Works:

Electoral College (United States) Wiki

if anyone else wants to add to the knowledge pool or correct me, please do. i’m hungry and tired of writing.