Changes No One Talks About After Sexual Assault

This list is based off of different stories I’ve heard over the years.
TW: Sexual Assault

1. Nothing
   In the beginning, nothing will change. You’ll feel fine. You’ll look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re overreacting. Nothing bad has happened, and you are safe. You’ll tell yourself you’re probably overreacting as a result of PMS and in a few weeks you’ll look back and laugh at how crazy you’re being. You’ll tell yourself you’re not a statistic, these things only happen in movies. You’ll think not you, there is absolutely no way this could’ve happened to you. Besides, even if something did happen, would people believe you? And you’ll ask yourself the questions you’ve tried so hard to ignore. “What would it do to your friend group? What would your parents say? How would your sisters react? Will people look at you differently? Are you overreacting? Did something bad happen? Did something bad happen? Did something bad happen?” Leading to the final question, “Was I sexually assaulted?” And you’ll answer, “No, I’m just PMS-ing.” Nothing will change. And then, everything does.
2. Your Mood
   The first few days are hell. You won’t eat, you won’t sleep, you won’t talk to anyone. But you’ll shower. You’ll shower multiple times everyday. You’ll scrub your body with body wash and hope that the soap will remove more than just dirt. You’ll hope it’ll remove the forever ingrained handprints on your neck, on your waist, on your legs. But it won’t and you’ll be disappointed for quite some time and then, after therapy and time, you’ll be fine. For a few days, a few weeks, maybe even years. In fact, you’ll find yourself forgetting it even happened until one random day when you’ll wake up and all you’ll do that day is take showers and attempt to scrub the handprints on your body off, again. See that’s the thing, some days you’ll wake up and feel like you’re on cloud nine and other days you’ll wake up and feel like you’re caught in the middle of a thunderstorm with nowhere to seek shelter.
3. Your Wardrobe
   The way you dress will change. Some days, you’ll feel brave enough to wear a tanktop and shorts. Other days, you’ll wear a sweatshirt and jeans despite the 90 degree weather. A little sweat is better than risking it happening again, right? Then there are the days that you have enough anger in you to fill an entire hot air balloon, where you’ll wear whatever the hell you want. This one incident has taken enough from your life, and you’re done sacrificing anything else. You’ll feel confident leaving your house until a man glances at you for one second too long at the gas station, and you immediately put on the emergency sweatshirt you kept in your backpack just in case. You’ll feel defeated, and your anger will still be there, but it’ll be overshadowed by the amount of fear you feel.
4. Washing your face
   You’ll get back on your feet and begin to practice self care. You’ll wake up, you’ll take a shower that doesn’t leave your skin red and raw, and you’ll get out your skincare product and get ready for the day. It’s just, it’ll take a little longer than usual. You see, you’ll use only one hand to rinse the left side of your face while keeping your right eye open, and you’ll rinse the right side of your face while keeping your left eye open. You’ll dry your face the same way. It doesn’t matter if it takes longer or is more difficult, what matters is you’ll have one eye open in case someone decides to break into your house, march straight to your bathroom, and grab you during those 30 seconds of washing your face. It’s not you being dramatic, it’s you being cautious, being prepared.
5. Using Public Restrooms
   Did you ever have to run the pacer during Middle School P.E.? If not, google it and consider yourself lucky. That is what using a public restroom is like after being sexually assaulted. It becomes a race. How fast can you lock the stall, how fast can you pee, how fast can you wash your hands, and how fast can you run back to your group of friends eating lunch at the table. Even if you’re in the middle of breaking a personal record of how fast you can use the restroom, you’ll have intrusive thoughts and convince yourself that someone is waiting right outside the stall to grab you and hurt you the same exact way you were hurt all those years ago. This anxiety won’t leave your body until you’re back at your table and being told, “Wow, you already went to the bathroom? That was so fast.” And you’ll feel dumb for rushing yourself, but you’ll think, “I’m safe.”
6. Your Bedtime Routine
   After you get past the back to back nightmares, you’ll look forward to going to bed. You’ll climb in, soak in the warmth and comfort, close your eyes, and ask, “WAIT! Did I lock the door?” You’ll jump out and make sure your front door, balcony door, and bedroom door is locked. You’ll climb back into bed, soak in the warmth and comfort, close your eyes, and ask, “WAIT! What if someone snuck in while the doors were unlocked and they’re waiting for me to fall asleep to jump into bed and hurt me again?” So you’ll drag yourself out of bed and check every closet, every room, under your bed, behind the shower curtains, everywhere. And then you’ll climb back into bed, soak in the warmth and comfort, close your eyes, and ask, “Wait, what if I’m like this forever?” You’ll eventually fall asleep but not before crying and trying to convince yourself that you’re okay and that you will be okay when you wake up.
7. Vacations
   You’ll go on vacation. With friends, family, a significant other, maybe even for a school trip. You’ll be excited to take a break from work or school, to take a break from reality. You’ll of course do research to make sure the area you’re staying in is okay. You’ll check to see that the hotel has security and that every door has a door guard in case someone manages to get the key to your room. Then you’ll get there and you’ll be glad you went until 2am hits and you’re stuck in your bed while everyone else is soundly asleep and you’ll wish you never came. You’ll be cranky the next morning and you’ll take it out on the people around you and you’ll eventually feel bad for not only ruining their moods, but ruining the vacation. You’ll get frustrated, why couldn’t you escape reality for just a few days and forget that this ever happened. And you’ll come to a sad realization that this would forever be a reality that was as inescapable as the shadow that follows you on a sunny day.
8. Your Relationship with Men
   You’ll look at men differently, regardless of your relationship with them. Your body will stiffen when your uncle hugs you, you’ll double check the license plates for your uber and make sure the child-lock on the door is unlocked, you’ll flinch if your friend gets up too quickly in a movie, and you’ll avoid eye contact with every man you encounter. You’ll be vigilant at every party or bar and feel as though every man is rubbing salt in your open wound any time he puts his hand on your lower back to walk past you. You’ll date a man at one point and they’ll ask you questions about your life and you’ll deflect for as long as you can. You’ll care for this person but you still won’t open up. Not until you decide to take the next physical step in your relationship and begin hyperventilating in the middle of it, unable to speak out of fear and embarrassment. You’ll have the conversation eventually and you’ll love that person so much. The flashbacks don’t completely go away, but you finally look at physical intimacy as beautiful again.
9. Being Alone
   You’ll hate being alone. Alone in an uber, alone in your apartment, alone in a grocery store. You’ll have moments you wish no one was around and that you could be alone but you’ll remember that with being alone comes your anxiety and you are already so exhausted from being anxious all the time. So, you’ll look up and be thankful for the people around you. You’ll hate walking alone. You’ll develop the habit of calling your sister when you walk back to your apartment in an empty hallway. You’ll keep your location on and your phone hidden in case someone decides to grab you in the middle of the parking garage. You won’t shower unless someone is in the house. You’ll even break down when you realize your roommates are all gone and you have to stay at your apartment alone for the night. You’ll truly believe that no amount of locks or security could protect you from someone breaking in and hurting you, only people can and even then, your anxiety is still present. You’ll reminisce on the times when being alone was something you looked forward to.
10. Everything.
    Everything Changes.