Chicken diapers
“Ingrid, why?” If I hear this phrase at least twice a day, congratulations. You’re a resident in the Figares household.
Now, the “Ingrid, why, ” can erupt for just about anything. Peanut butter lid missing? “Ingrid, why, ?” There was a sale at the dollar store so there’s 15 cases of water in the living room? “Ingrid, why,?” But most importantly, when I hear “Ingrid, why,” in a confused intonation, it’s because something weird just came up.
“I’m going to buy chicken diapers,” my mother said nonchalantly at the dinner table, her eyes fixed on her iPad. My dad nearly choked on his pasta, and one of my four cats jumped 12-feet in the air knocking down 30 pages and four hours worth of his neatly organized court documents.
Now what happens next is pretty obvious. My dad half-laughing, half-defeated said “Ingrid…Why?” and now I had to jump in too, because when I think my mom can’t cross the line any further she always seems to marathon past it.
“Why not?,” she said irked. “How else are we going to keep Anastasia, Ethel, Paul (Paul’s apparently a girl),and Agnes in the house?”
My dad and I laughed so hard we were in tears and my mom was even laughing too. Then she suddenly stopped mid-laugh, hardened her expression and managed to utter three words: “I’m so serious.”
My dad and I didn’t know what to say. I eventually asked her why we couldn’t keep them outside in a coup like normal people.
“That’s what the diapers are for,” my mother said grinding her teeth. “So we don’t have to.”
Living with my mom is like going on YouTube to watch Rihanna’s newest music video and finding yourself in the “weird part of YouTube” watching compilations of Japanese commercials.
Her chicken diaper episode doesn’t even compare to when she went on Amazon to buy night vision goggles so she could wake up at 3:30 a.m. to bird watch.
According to her, night vision goggles are the only way to watch the night life in our newly purchased land.
Whenever I see an Amazon package waiting at the door, I know better than anyone it’s going to be an “Ingrid, why, ?”
Living with my mother is like Christmas every day except instead of receiving presents, I’m dealing with what’s going to happen next.
A lion’s mane tailored for cats, a jelly bean kit, stun guns, a Grab-It, the aforementioned night vision goggles and wooden cats are just a handful of things I find strewn around the house.
One time I was looking for the TV remote and found a copy of “Cookin’ with Coolio” between the sofa cushions.
My mother is obsessed with loose change. In the middle of our living room, beneath the fire-place, is a bronze pot replete with loose change from parking lots, vending machines and unsuspecting victims.
My mother has always been a bit of an oddball, and I think where she once released her artistic energy in a canvas, she now releases it by finding the oddest things she can find.
It’s like a hobby and, as strange as it sounds, people flock to our house as soon as the newest “Ingrid, why, ” comes to the door.
Sometimes, when I do walk through the door it smells like sage, or marijuana to those who are unfamiliar with the scent. She likes to clean the house from negative energies and this includes bodies.
She has a green bottle filled with herbs for when money is tight, and a clear bottle filled with flowers to ward off bad energy. My mother made us shower with the flower potion for a year straight because of strange things that were happening in the house, like a bee stinging one of my cats and the AC breaking mid-summer.
I think it goes without saying that my mom is a superstitious oddball with customs and ideas that seem to come from Mars. But it also makes the house a little more interesting and lot more lovable.
One thing is for sure though. If you ever need chicken diapers, just ask my mom where you can find some. She’s got an Amazon shopping cart full of them.
