Writer’s Pain Points: How to Kill It And Not Go Crazy
Satirical Medium Writer’s Survival Kit
1. Painpoint: Why I’m not earning on Medium?” Painkiller: “Because you don’t write articles “How You Can Earn on Medium”.
2. Painpoint: I can’t sell a book on productivity hacks. Painkiller: “Distract your audience with cat videos, social media updates, and never-ending stress-inducing messages until they crack and reach for the nearest escape.”
3. Painpoint: I’m 100 days on Medium already and have weak results. What should I do? Painkiller: “Write the article “What I Learn After My First 100 Days on Medium!” or “My First $1.6 on Medium!”, or “My First 6 Subscribers on Medium!” or at least “By Me A Coffee”.
4. Painpoint: I want to increase the views of my articles. Painkiller: “Shower every article you read with very thoughtful feedback, like “Great!”, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”, “Thanks for sharing”. You are guaranteed 50 claps at least from the author”. Don't bother to answer questions like “Are you AI?”
5. Painpoint: How do I double my subscribers? Painkiller: Take everything you wrote and republish it. “Repeating the same points until your followers start to question their sanity. 90% of the Medium’s “gurus” do this.”
6. Painpoint: I want to make money online, what should I do? Painkiller: “Buy those “get-rich-quick” courses that promise to reveal the secret formula for overnight success. Because clearly, all the successful online entrepreneurs out there have been hiding that secret from you.”
7. Painpoint: I bought a course from a “guru” influencer but was unsuccessful. Painkiller: “Taking advice from successful writers is that it’s like receiving driving tips from someone who has a chauffeur. They may have reached their destination, long ago in different circumstances. So their advice fails to acknowledge the potholes, detours, and unexpected encounters with road-hogging kangaroos that we mere mortals face.”
8. Painpoint: I need a method to write a successful short story: Painkiller: “Start with a three-word blog post: “Buy my course.” Bing, bang, boom — suddenly you are washing your Ferrari in bundles of cash.”
9. Painpoint: They say I have to share helpful skills. Is it useful?” Painkiller: “Where’s the money in “helpful”?! Nah, you have to dangle impossible dreams and promise overnight success. Works every time.”
10. Painpoint: I set big goals for success, but it is hard to achieve. Painkiller: “Change the plan, not the goal!
Your Goal: Write a bestseller. Plan: 20 chapters young adult novel. Revised plan: Clickbait listicles. Almost the same!”
11. Painpoint: How to get more subscribers on Substck? Painkiller: “Send 3 emails a day, every day, with little value but all caps URGENT in the subject. FOMO is your friend!”
12. Painpoint: I self-publish a book that has no effective marketing strategy. Painkiller: “Taking out a dating app profile for your book with a bio that says “Give me a chance, you won’t regret it! winky face” and waiting for the matches to roll in.”
13. Painpoint: What writer should answer trolls on the bad Goodreads review? Painkiller: “Thanks for the feedback! I’ll add more fart jokes, minion memes, and ‘U Mad?’ to connect with my audience.”
14. Painpoint: I want to write attention-grabbing headlines. Painkiller: “Make everything sound like a life-or-death situation! Use phrases like ‘You’ll never believe what happened next’ or ‘This one thing will change your life forever.”
15. Painpoint: How can I monetize my writing? Painkiller: “Claiming the top secret will only be revealed on paid Patreon. Exclusivity and FOMO are powerful marketing tools.”
16. Painpoint: My article went viral but then crickets. Painkiller: your next article should be “What I learned after I went viral”. If this article gets good crowd appreciation again you should publish: “My Emotional Journey of Rising, Falling, and Rising Some More”.
17. Painpoint: I have a creative crisis and I don’t know what to write about. Painkiller: “Write three articles: “How to write headlines correctly”, “How to use ChatGPT for writing” and “How importat to be consistent.” Congrats, now we have a zellion +3 such articles on Medium".
18. Painpoint: Nobody appreciates the articles I write. Painkiller: “Include a mandatory section at the end of your story where you beg readers to share, like, and comment on your post. Guilt-tripping is a surefire way to boost engagement. If all else fails, offer them a virtual high-five for good measure.
19. Painpoint: I write a hit article with 1k claps what should I do next? Painkiller: There are two options: 1) release a series of remixes, covers, and mash-ups of your one hit, and pray they will live up to the magic of your one hit, and 2)keep going and write something new))
Happy New Year!))
