I Tried The Sex Straps And Got A Black Eye
Don’t buy cheap sex toys
$19.99 wasted. Not only wasted, but they were violent!
I wanted to get freaky, and out of all the stuff I own, I’ve never had “real” straps, just ties and other random objects.
No, I wanted actual straps – the fuzzy cuffed, X-shaped, kinky ones.
So I went on Amazon. Like a human turd.
Not only am I 34 and never stretch, but I also assumed these things would hold me when I legit tried to escape them with every fiber of my being.
They gave in like my struggle was its safe-word.
Pineapple…
So, low and behold, I was getting strapped and ready, and all was well. I looked like a stuffed pig, and I didn’t think my hands and feet, being bound together and backward, were attractive.
But my drooling, wolf-like husband said otherwise.
And the funniest part of the story isn’t what you’d expect…
So, as usual, I played the part. “Nooooo, I don’t want ittt, let me gooooooo.”
And he did the, “to baaaadd, get over heeeerrreee!” (Motal Kombat style)
And before I knew it, I felt like one of the spring-jolted plastic animals on the playground. You…
