Part II #MeToo Elephant in the Room: Sex
Asking the Hard Question
My heart goes out with each #MeToo story. Then I’m disheartened with what often comes next: “Men just need to understand that this behavior is not ok.”
I could not agree more that men need to act differently. But just like all organic systems, social structures tend toward balance. Change one side of an equation, and the other side changes in response.
We know what needs to be different for victims. But given how appalling the stories are, what is it that we clearly don’t understand about the perpetrators that they could behave so badly in the first place?
We may be so angry that we don’t want to look at anything but one side of the equation. But human nature cares nothing of our ignorance, just as no disease is cured by treating symptoms alone.
It is not enough to be shocked, scold the bad behavior, and then think we’re done. The thinking seems to be that the shock of these stories alone is enough to bring change.
The reverse occurs to me. The more shocking the stories, the more difficult the problem likely is, and the deeper we will have to dig to understand where this abhorrent behavior is coming from.
Our shock should be a cue to face our own ignorance. The more the shock, the more we should be curious about what we are missing.
Consider where the front lines of this conflict reside: Sex. Some will ask, is it not sex and power? Of course it is. We have sexualized power.
While power abuses have many forms, the #MeToo headline specifically refers to the toxic mixture of sex and power. Just as alcohol can erode one’s liver given enough time, we have seen sexual misconduct occur where power has given it opportunity.
The fruitful discussion about your liver is about alcohol, not time. In the same way, this epidemic of which we’ve suddenly become so keenly aware has our culture’s sexual distortions at its heart.
The real conversation means humbly facing the parts of our own sexuality we keep safely out of sight because our culture has not given us tools to express them cleanly. Power has become sexualized precisely because sex has been given improper power.
Giving ourselves room for a more complete, colorful range of sexual expression strips sex of the shadowy power it now holds cloaked as mystery and intrigue. Until we disarm sex, cats will continue leaping out of bags anywhere that power provides captive, private audiences for such release.
All participants in this dance play a role in maintaining it's current balance. While the intolerable actions of some men must be eradicated, the dance will simply find new dancers until we face our own contribution to keeping the music playing.
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