Broken
Response to Dearest by Agent Ranch Hand (Ranch)
Fuck.
That was the first thing I thought when I saw the letter in my mailbox with your handwriting on it. A ghost from the past coming back to haunt me. One I thought I’d buried when I left the States for Paris almost a year ago to start a new life. A new life away from you. Away from what we had together.
With trembling hands, I opened your letter, unsure at first whether to even read it at all. Old memories resurfacing as I read each line. Guilt passing through me as I realised how badly I must have hurt you when I left that morning with no explanation and never returned. I guess now the time has come for me to face up to what I did to you and at the very least owe you an explanation of sort, for what it’s worth.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love you, I did — I just felt I would always be living in the shadow of your first wife who I knew you still loved and the demons in my head telling me I would never measure up to. You said your friends and family all adored me but deep down I always felt inadequate, so I did what I always do when the pressure hits. I ran.
It wasn’t easy for me either though, Ranch. There were nights where I lay awake aching for you, remembering how good we had it. The times you’d walk through the door, and you’d give me that look before pinning me up against the wall, holding my hands above my head as you fucked me with such urgency. Or those times we used to dine out together in fancy restaurants and you’d slide a hand under the table, tracing your fingers up my skirt to slide my panties to one side. You’d edge me to the point I’d have to force myself from crying out and would have to make a break for the bathroom where you would follow to fuck me over the sink, knowing someone could walk in at any moment. We lived for those thrills, and I still think of them now when I get myself off.
I guess what I’m saying here Ranch, is sorry. Sorry for running. Sorry for breaking you. But you know broken things can be mended. They have a tradition in Japan, that broken things are often repaired with gold. And you, my darling, are worth your weight in it and should be treasured.
Love always,
Dearest.
