Do You Have Written Boundaries? You Should.

Here Are Mine to Help

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Boundaries? What Boundaries?

The term “boundaries” is commonly used by those discussing how we relate to others. I’ve certainly heard about setting personal boundaries in several contexts. But I didn’t give much thought about how they applied to me.

That all changed in the summer of 2020 after my second marriage blew up suddenly. I was forced to look in the mirror and admit that my relationship with myself was broken and the one most in need of repair. I came to terms with the fact I was willing to do almost anything for others — sacrificing myself in the process — but very little to care for or protect myself.

It turned out that, not only did I have no articulated boundaries. I didn’t even understand what boundaries were or what they were for.

Flash forward. Over the span of eighteen months in 2023–24, I made the difficult but necessary decision to enforce my boundaries and remove several people from my life. I blocked several others because it no longer felt safe for me to interact with them. To top it off, I happened across the first person with whom I’d had to enforce my boundaries before they were even fully formed.

The last one was just the Universe trolling me.

It was a challenging time for sure. I’m still sad at the loss of people I care(d) for. But my life would have been even more challenging had I not taken the steps I did.

I’m convinced that creating a list of written boundaries — and sharing them with those with whom we interact most closely — is an essential part of self-care and building healthy relationships.

Now I’m hoping to convince you.

What Are Personal Boundaries Anyway?

For some people, this concept may come easily. But for those of us who tend toward over-giving to others over ourselves, it can be hard to grok at first.

It turns out that “personal boundaries” are agreements between US and OURSELVES. They’re not about other people or an attempt to control others in a relationship. Boundaries are specific to us.

Boundaries identify the limits and rules we set for ourselves when relating to others. They guide what we’ll do in response when people do things to us that we’ve communicated to them are not okay. Common types of boundaries include physical, sexual, emotional/mental, spiritual, financial/material, time, and non-negotiable boundaries.

When we have healthy boundaries, we can say “no” to others when we want to. But we also can feel comfortable opening ourselves up to intimacy and close relationships in ways that feel safe.

Identifying and Documenting Boundaries

When I began this process, I sat with the question, “What are my boundaries?” for a fairly long time. I considered what made me feel happy and open, my triggers, and the lessons I learned.

Then I did a brain dump onto paper to get what I’d come up with out of my head. I moved what I considered values (e.g., Family comes first) or agreements I would make with others into their own categories. I eventually reduced my list to 10 to keep it manageable and easy to absorb (one of the people I jettisoned had 13 PAGES of boundaries, which read more like an instruction manual!).

My plan from the outset was that the final product would be a “living” written document that evolves as necessary. I found the act of documenting my boundaries led to refining and clarifying my thinking. It also provides a tangible touchstone for discussing them and assessing whether they’ve been crossed.

For the record, I’m polyamorous and engage in various types of relationships. So, my boundaries needed to take this into account. It is easy to get too granular. So, list as many as you need while keeping in mind how they will come across to other people. That includes using “I/me” statements and easily understandable language.

My Boundaries and the Consequences for Violating Them

My boundaries are based on the following assumptions:

1. I respect and honor the same boundaries I claim, plus others as requested.
2. Specific relationship dynamics are negotiated separately.
3. Consent is enthusiastic and continuous and can be withdrawn at any time.

NOTE: One could make the case that consent should be listed as a boundary. I chose to consider it under the heading of safety but wanted to emphasize it as it cuts across multiple boundaries.

My Personal Boundaries

1. I feel physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe.
2. I feel free to show up as my full and authentic self without being attacked.
3. I speak for myself and am not misquoted, spoken for, or silenced.
4. I am seen and treated as an equal partner within the negotiated confines of relationships.
5. I am treated with kindness, compassion, and respect.
6. My generosity is met with gratitude, not exploited or abused.
7. Responsibility is taken for words and actions including apologizing and making amends as appropriate.
8. Human mistakes are accepted, learned from, and forgiven.
9. Communication is honest, proactive, and open.
10. Relationships with others are transparent, honored, and respected.

Consequences for Violating My Boundaries

• Three strikes and you’re out — The first time there is discussion, the second time there are consequences, and the third time agreements are immediately renegotiated including the option of ending the relationship.
• If you intentionally withhold from me, lie to me, or threaten my health and safety or that of my loved ones, I will end the relationship immediately.

PRO TIP: Your boundaries are only as good as your willingness to enforce them. Including the consequences for violating them is important. But also…you have to be mindful of how you are following through. At one point I realized that as a former Little League baseball coach, I was enforcing “T-Ball Rules” which emphasize effort and improvement. I had to adjust to reflect that a relationship with me is Major League level…

Sharing Your Boundaries

When starting a new relationship, I’ve found it useful to share my boundaries sooner than later. This opens up an important discussion that can help determine whether the person is a good match. It also sets a tone for when boundaries are crossed, which can happen unintentionally, especially early on.

Once a mutual decision has been made to move forward it’s worth taking the time to begin making and documenting agreements building on each person’s boundaries. In my experience, this is not a one-time thing, but a discussion that needs to be planned and returned to at regular intervals.

My partners and I are beginning the process of revisiting and revising our agreements as necessary so they reflect the evolution of each relationship. I’ll share some of those when we’re done with that process.

Convinced?

There’s no doubt that the quality of my relationships has been greatly enhanced since taking these steps. My partners have each expressed a high level of satisfaction with this kind of process as we’ve gone along.

My life is better too. That’s partly because I let go of people who either refused or were incapable of respecting my boundaries. I’ve also taken responsibility for MY OWN happiness and stopped looking to others to fill parts of me I need to be filling myself.

How have boundaries — or the lack of them — affected your relationships? What are some boundaries I haven’t mentioned? What steps, if any, do you plan to take now that you’ve read this?