Alternate Locations for the North Korea Summit
Seriously, KJ. What does Singapore have that Mar-a-Lago doesn’t?
After its abrupt cancellation last week, sources suggest that the historic peace talks between President Donald Trump and Chairman Kim Jong-un are back on!
Luckily, I’ve secured a leaked copy of the new letter President Trump personally wrote to Kim, proposing some exciting new locations for the new summit:
Dear Supreme Master Leader Kim Jong-uno,
From one great person to another let me start off by saying how honored I am to be sharing this historic peace process with you. Who knows? Maybe we’ll BOTH win the Nobel! (JK, I don’t think they do that!)
The news says Singapore might not be ready in time (which is a despicable lie spread by a total liar who works for me), so I thought I would take this opportunity to suggest some alternate venues for our historic meeting.
As you know: Nobody wants these talks to work out more than I do, except I definitely don’t want this to work as much as you do and I will walk away again at a moment’s notice if Sean Hannity tells me to.
So take a look and let me know where you want to meet! Believe me: All these places are a HUGE improvement over Singapore. (And if book your stay at a Trump Hotel I’ll throw in an extra $5 Billion in economic aid!)
Hong Kong
Honestly this isn’t my first choice, but Melanie wants a new handbag and I refuse to pay retail. We could end the Korean War over dinner and then go pick up some knockoff Prada at the Night Market before dessert. Sound good?
Australia
If you’re looking for a little more of an adventure then why not meet me in Australia? I’m told the people speak English, so I’ll be able to order for both of us at the restaurant!
Mar-a-Lago
Seriously, KJ. What does Singapore have that Mar-a-Lago doesn’t? Plus at Mar-a-Lago your commemorative coin can officially be used to tip the waitstaff (who can use them for discount steaks and free courses at Trump University).
Trump Turnberry
This quiet countryside resort would be absolutely upended by a massive international summit (maybe biggest ever in HISTORY?). But there’s good news: I hate the people who live there so much that it’s completely worth the trip just to see the looks of horror on their smug Scottish faces.
Hawaii
Sure they have that whole “volcano” thing going on right now, but that’s some other country’s problem.
Guam
You’ve threatened to blow it off the map, so why not come see what all the fuss is about? And if I’m being completely honest, Scott Pruitt REALLY wants to go on a tropical getaway before I fire him for misusing taxpayer funds. Won’t you help make Li’l Scottie’s dream come true?
A West Virginia Coal Mine
I mean a small shaft over a thousand underground is probably the most secure place we could negotiate anything. Plus we’d get to take photos wearing matching hard hats! (Believe me, the hard hat thing will play GREAT in your coal country or coal camps or whatever you have over there.)
Libya
Honestly we just kind of threw this one on the list for the hell of it. But now that you mention it you do kind of remind us of someone we used to know down there…
Trump National Golf Club, Bedminster
Listen, Kimmie: Nothing helps you shake off a long day of negotiations like crashing a white couple’s wedding at my New Jersey golf resort! I guess I should ask if you like to golf, but honestly it doesn’t matter if you do because everyone looks AMAZING playing golf.
Write back soon! (Or at least before the next episode of Fox and Friends!)
xoxo,
DJT
