Better Call For Reinforcements ☎️
Maybe the real invasion was inside us all along…
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This was a tough week. Maybe you should call your senator. Maybe you should call your mom. Maybe you should just pick up the phone and scream for a few minutes. (It’s okay, I’ll wait.)
😱 Just Shoot Me
Don’t hold your breath, but after a mind-numbing weekend of violence the GOP seems poised to finally let the Senate debate something involving the word “gun” — but not until September, which is basically 30 mass shootings from now (hey, I said don’t hold your breath). [NPR]
Here’s a fun game to play in the meantime (if by “fun” you mean horrifying): Two of these things are fake products from my latest Little Old Lady Comedy piece and one of them is a depressingly real product you can buy in our dystopian hellscape today! Can you pick out the real item?!
- HeatTech Body Armor
- Bullet Proof Backpacks
- Merino Wool Flak Jackets
Find out if you can tell bleak satire from our bleak reality when you read my piece, New Uniqlo Items Available Exclusively In Countries With At Least 250 Mass Shootings Per Year, and then compare it to this very real CNBC article!
🏠 Home is Where the Algorithm Is
I’ve been spending a lot of time browsing Zillow listings lately (rentals, obvs) and if you’ve never opened up the popular real estate app let me tell you the most staggering thing about it: The data. They have so much of it, from the exact locations, prices, and amenities of available housing to the exact locations, budgets, and desired amenities of the people searching for said housing.
If you can’t figure out what’s coming next then you haven’t been paying close enough attention to Silicon Valley, because of course Zillow is now buying real estate and flipping it. [BuzzFeed News]
This strikes me as a bad thing, but only because I currently residein a city whose housing stock is being choked by real estate speculators and luxury high rises, nbd.
🤖 SimpliScrewed
Speaking of homes: According to a new report SimpliSafe (you know, the home security system advertised on every podcast you listen to) is simply… not that safe. A burglar with what is essentially a super-powered garage door opener can jam the frequency used by the system’s door and window sensors, granting them easy access to your home.
It’s a revelation that begs the question “which podcast product will betray us next?” (My money’s on Quip causing all your teeth to fall out if you forget to renew your subscription.) [The Verge]
📺 (Re-)Bundled Up
Netflix was supposed to usher in the era of escaping our massive cable TV bundles, but now the big N has been put on notice by an even bigger D. 🍆
Get your head out of the gutter, because I’m talking about the most family-friendly BDE in town: Disney, which just announced a… (wait for it…) bundle of streaming services, including Disney+, ESPN+, and the ad-supported tier of Hulu, all for the low low price of $12.99 a month. [Vox]
That’s about $6 cheaper than buying each service individually and so cheap it almost makes me want to watch sports (whoa).
🇺🇸 She Has A Plan for That, Too
Here’s a hot take: Maybe the President who says lots of things that encourage white supremacists is… a white supremacist? Elizabeth Warren staked out what might be her least controversial stance this week by stating the obvious. [NYT]
Speaking of Warren: They say she has a plan for everything, but does she have a plan for getting back together with Jeff? The answer is yes (and so much more) in my first piece for Points In Case.
🍹 Mixed Links
- Wishlist of the Week: Uber reported record losses that would be catastrophic for any company tethered to reality this week, so while we’re living in a fantasy world here’s a list of Public Transit Projects Cheaper Than Uber’s $5.2 Billion Q2 Losses, Ranked. [Jalopnik]
- The Great Corporate Cash Machine: How does Uber manage to stay afloat despite having no foreseeable path to running a sustainable business? The answer has something to do with SoftBank, the massively powerful Japanese conglomerate with deep pocket. [Vox]
- Texodus: Four house Republicans from Texas have announced their retirement rather than face tough reelection campaigns and yet Ted Cruz is still allowed to walk free, despite being the Zodiac Killer. [Vox]
- Bad Vibes: With pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong showing no signs of slowing down, China’s rhetoric toward the supposedly pseudo-independent city is getting increasingly ominous. What will we do if Beijing cracks down? The answer (unfortunately) is… nothing. [NY Mag]
- Until Then: LASER PROTESTS! [Vox]
🍸 And finally this week…
From our friends at Little Old Lady Comedy
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