In Space No One Can Hear You Tweet
Don Jr. wants a “conservative social network” because apparently Twitter, Reddit, and 4chan don’t have enough white supremacists already…
Battlestar Albany
Here in New York (aka Jewtropolis on Snapchat), we had the one and only debate in our Democratic Gubernatorial Primary last night. Actor and activist Cynthia Nixon managed to appear like a serious contender andshe managed to get under Andrew Cuomo’s skin, leading to the night’s best and most baffling question: “Are you a corporation?”
There’s a lot to cover (including some great stuff on single-payer healthcare), so I wrote a separate piece on Medium unpacking the whole debate. Check it out and don’t forget to vote on Thursday, September 13!
🚫🎃 100% Trump-Free Headlines
— Complex things reduced to bullet points
- You can now stream basically every Nickelodeon show from the 90s for about 6 bucks a month. (Which seems like a very fair price for both Clarissa Explains It All and Legends of the Hidden Temple.)
- Missouri takes a stand against fake… meat?
- The U.S. saw a record number of STD cases in 2017 and the clap (that’s gonorrhea) is learning to outsmart our antibiotics, so it’s only a matter of time before STDs start posting their own Tinder profiles.
- And now another entry in our ongoing series “wait, where did all these mattress stores come from?”
✅🎃 A Few of My Trumpiest Things
Wiretaps on lawyers and whiskers on kittens
- Behold the closest thing to joy I’ve felt since November 2016: Donald Trump attempts to work a speakerphone on live TV. (Now please enjoy it set to the Veep credits and the Curb theme.)
- Donald Trump Jr. wants someone to start a conservative social network (because I guess Twitter isn’t toxic enough as-is).
- Least Shocking Shocker of the Week: White House lawyer (and surprise Mueller witness) Don McGahn is resigning this fall (having accomplished his mission of ruining the courts for a generation).
- The President reeeeaallly wants to fire Jeff Sessions but he can’t without falling victim to an evil elfen curse (I assume).
- Don’t say they aren’t organized: House Republicans made a list of scandals that they don’t aren’t guilty of covering up or anything.
🎓💸 The Kids Aren’t Alright
But you already knew that, didn’t you?
Did you take out some government (or, god forbid, private) loans for your college or grad school education? Are you (like me) paying out the nose with no end in sight? Even if this doesn’t describe you I’m willing to bet it describes several of your friends (or children or nieces or nephews). So it might be of interest to learn that the Federal government’s student loan chief resigned in protest this week. Why? Let’s count the ways:
- The government has been hiding the true horrors of the student debt crisis by cutting off statistics at three years after graduation (among other statistical shenanigans). The NYT has the vertigo-inducing graphs in this op-ed: The Student Debt Problem is Worse Than We Imagined.
- Meanwhile, Betsy DeVos is tightening restrictions around debt forgiveness (for things like fraud and false advertising, nbd) and loosening the regulations around for-profit colleges, which count for a combined $229 billion in student debt (and disproportionately contribute to the number of Americans who default on their college loans).
- And naturally Betsy and the White House are using these changes to funnel money to their cronies (growing up they always said death and taxes were the unavoidable parts of life, but the Trump administration has me thinking it should be corruption and kickbacks).
Still feeling a shred of hope for the youth of America? Don’t worry: Betsy’s new plan to protect campus rapists while get rid of that pesky optimism before it’s too late.
🙅♂️🙅♀️ Not Cool, Man
I’ve always wondered what those emojis were for… (Now I know the answer is Louis C.K.)
- Ranking every type of cheese by how unhealthy it is (read at your own peril).
- Reader Recommendation: Mourning a patriot whose politics you hate. (Thanks, Jon!)
- I’m supremely annoyed that this even needs to be said, but okay fine here we go: Louis C.K. and Matt Lauer are NOT welcome back. No, nope, nuh-uh, don’t even think about it, dude.
- NY Mag: Two women describe C.K.’s “uncomfortable” Comedy Cellar set.
- 100% dick-free news (unless you count the dick trying to order while he’s on the phone): Starbucks offends America with early Pumpkin Spice Latte release.
“Instead of giving men who’ve been accused of or admitted to assaulting and/or harassing women another chance, how about we give women and queer people a first chance instead?
There are way too many fucking men in every industry, especially comedy, and the last thing we need is to keep guys who’ve already been proven to be dangerous around, especially comics like Louie and T.J. Miller who’ve already had long, successful careers, which they ruined. It was their fault — they did this to themselves and now they should have to fucking live with it.
Why should they deserve more when they’ve taken so much?”
😅 Relax, these are jokes
From our friends at Little Old Lady Comedy
- Trump is attacking Google, which means it’s the perfect time for Bing to embrace the MAGA crowd!
- Things that are more likely to kill you than an undocumented immigrant.
- Can You Recommend a Good Jane Austen-Type Show or Movie?
🍹 BYOB OF THE WEEK
This week’s Bring Your Own Beverage of the Week is BOX WINE! Playwright Louis Gaudio joined me to try some “fancy” box rosé on this week’s episode of the podcast.
