New Government Report Warns We’re All Gonna Die
“We know we can’t trust these individuals because we work with these individuals,” warns Huckabee-Sanders
In a blockbuster new report issued jointly by 37 different federal agencies on Friday, scientists from across 58 fields of study outlined 942 different ways we’re all gonna die.
The report touched on areas from climate change to disease prevention and nuclear proliferation, finding that no matter what anyone tries to do it’s gonna be lights out for most of us.
“From the beginning we hypothesized that there would definitely be dozens of ways we’re all gonna die, probably any minute now.”
“With rising sea levels, intensifying weather patterns, and the potential of a near-term food shortage, it’s clear that most of us are gonna die from drowning, burning, or starvation in the next 15–20 years,” the report read in part. “However those findings neglect to take into account the likelihood of a pandemic, nuclear war, or a potential Ivanka Trump administration — all of which would mean we’re gonna die much, much sooner.”
The authors of the report came from departments as far-flung as the NSA and the National Fish and Wildlife Foundation, yet all of them agreed that their findings clearly pointed to our imminent demise.
“From the beginning we hypothesized that there would definitely be dozens of ways we’re all gonna die, probably any minute now,” explained Project Lead Prof. Tatiana Maslany (who bears no relation to the actress of the same name, though they do look eerily similar). “What we were surprised to find was that there were hundreds, nearly a thousand, individual ways that we’re all gonna bite the dust. And soon.”
“Imagine a tornado hitting your home in the middle of a wild fire started by a hurricane, during an earthquake brought on by excessive fracking.”
Researchers stressed that their findings do not suggest that each and every one of us is gonna die all 942 different ways. More likely, say scientists, is the possibility that each of us will die anywhere from 8 to 10 times over — or 3 to 6 times simultaneously.
“Imagine a tornado hitting your home in the middle of a wild fire started by a hurricane, during an earthquake brought on by excessive fracking,” explained Maslany. “And it’s at that exact moment that the crumbling and neglected gas line below your home ignites in an explosion that spreads the avian flu virus for miles and miles in every direction.”
“Oh, yeah. In this example you’re also dying of the avian flu,” Maslany added.
Questioned about the Trump Administration’s response to its own agencies’ study, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders blasted the report as coming from a federal government widely known to spread lies and misinformation.
“We know we can’t trust these individuals because we work with these individuals,” Sanders told reporters. “That’s why we’ve already fired several of the so-called report’s authors and filled their vacancies with Matthew Whittaker.”
