Dating apps are a shit show. I’ve downloaded all of them — Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Ponge, Delv, Sausage, Christian Mingle, Christian Hermit, Taimi, Badoo, Snadoo, Jabberjaw, Snork, Grindr & even Rindr (specifically for LGBT Judge Rinder fans). And none of them are for me.
I just don’t get what I’m looking for — and that’s surprising because what I’m looking for is extremely vague… literally fucking anything. I’ll take a long term relationship, or I’ll take some casual hook-up sex in a refuse skip in Swanley. I just want to be loved. Or liked. Or at least glanced at in a sexually suggestive way which makes me feel attractive.
Sure, I get messages sometimes — but they’re usually along the lines of “hey girl, you ever dream of being murdered and then dumped in a skip in Swanley?”. I told you, I’m fine with the skip — just not the murder.
I guess if I’m being honest, I do want a little bit more than casual sex. I’ve not been in a proper relationship for years. I want someone who will want to do nice things with me — like argue, or emotionally manipulate one another. Is that really so much to ask? And yes, I do sometimes get a bit of traction on the more sex focused apps like Taimi, Grindr or Rindr — but even then, these jerkoffs live in like… Dubai. And I’m not allowed to enter Dubai (not just because I’m trans — in 1997 I was caught trying to smuggle Pogs up my bumhole into the Emirates for a wealthy Sheikh).
I wish I could specify on the settings that I’m only interested in meeting a man who’s 90 cm away, but apparently you have to pay for that feature. You also have to pay to see who’s “liked” you — and that costs up to £99 a year. And it’s tempting, because according to Ponge ™ over 75 trillion men currently “like” me, but I’m unable to see their sexy visages due to me being a “cheapskate bitch”. (their wording).
Out of those 75 trillion men, at least 32.5 trillion of them must be willing to meet me for casual skip-sex. Of those 32.5 trillion, another 10 trillion might want to date me for longer than a week or two. Of those 10 trillion, there might be another 4 trillion who are willing to let me meet their parents. And then, of those 4 trillion, there should be at least another 7 who might be interested in something a bit more long term?
I’ve thought about it — laying down 99 fresh smackeroonies (that’s an old word for money — not another niche dating app) but I can’t in good conscience do it. I don’t think it’s ethical to make love an economical commodity. Do we really need additional gatekeeping on an undertaking that is already so exhaustingly difficult?
Also, that £99 a year could go towards alcohol — or cookies — which, to be honest, I’ve come to find great comfort in over the years.
