I watch trans porn sometimes. Not because I’m attracted to it in any way, I mainly watch it because — with the state of trans rights in the world being what they are currently, sometimes it’s just nice to see a trans woman having a nice time.
I sometimes wonder if I could do porn. That’s not true — I know I could do porn. I’m already a sort of performer, and that is fuelled by attention, so it wouldn’t be the most difficult transition I’ve ever had to do. What’s more, as a trans woman I’ve always sort of assumed I’ll end up doing it anyway.
When I was a teenager, there were no Shon Fayes or Paris Leeseses or Laverne Coxeseseses. Well, there were. They existed somewhere, but I had no idea who the hell they were. They were dealing with their own shit. “Positive trans representation” went up to, and dramatically halted at Nadia Almada winning Big Brother (a really important moment for me, because I learned that a confident, funny, sexy trans woman could win over the country’s affection — for a little bit, so long as they also succumbed to endless barrages of press abuse, transphobic language and mockery).
So — Nadia aside, the primary message I got from society was trans women do porn. I remember sitting in an ICT lesson at secondary school and being sent a link from a classmate to the website meatspin (one of the OG shock-sites). Like anyone using a computer in the year 2001, I was naive. I clicked, and sure enough I was greeted by a looping video of a trans woman being anally penetrated while her penis gyrated around like a helicopter to the 80’s classic “You Spin Me Right Round (Like a Record, Baby)” by Dead or Alive. I remember a group of teenage boys standing behind me, laughing and doing mock vomit actions. But mainly, I remember thinking: “Wow, that’s me that is.” (and also, “I’d better close this tab before I am suspended”).
Understand, at the time there was next to no representation. No one talking on talk shows, or writing for The Guardian occasionally. We had no mainstream trans comedians on British TV (like we do now! Hahaha, that’s funny. Get it, cos we don’t?) The TV didn’t talk about us, and if it did we were either a victim in a crime procedural or a segment on Eurotrash. The messaging was — trans people are strange, and they live a hard life which ends in a violent death.
Now, I don’t know exactly what the creator of Meatspin had in mind when they created the site, but I’m nearly 100% sure it wasn’t to embolden a young transgender teen to see that not only could you transition, you could look hot and get to have sex and also be on the internet! (the internet was more of a novelty back then).
Up to now, I’ve had a few different jobs. Retail cashier, learning disabilities support worker, opticians receptionist, digitization officer (stop! In the name of document digitization!) & hopefully finally, comedian & writer. Right now, I’m doing exactly what I’ve always wanted to do — and I am extremely lucky. Trans people do not have an easy time, generally, finding employment. I certainly have struggled with it over the years. I know what it feels like to interview for a low paid job, and to be gawked at like you just arrived fully naked, gyrating your dick around to a looping sample of Dead or Alive. It’s a look that’s hard to fully articulate, but you know you’ve not gotten the job from the moment you sit down in the chair. Before you’ve said a single word. The expression screams “The audacity of thinking we’d employ the likes of you!”. I am still reeling about not getting that 4 hours a week shift job at Superdrug.
Not to mention, if a trans person actually does get a job, the actual everyday working environment can be a minefield too. Customer facing positions can be hell when you have to face customers, face to face, and face them. They often see your face, fail to understand it and make fun of it. I worked for Tesco Express for 2 years, fairly early on in my transition, and would dread certain customers who I knew were going to take the piss out of me. Not to mention the staff. I have been asked incredibly awkward, insensitive questions in staff rooms for years. You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family — or your colleagues. (Or as Tesco likes to call them, your “corporate family”).
But the one thing that has always gotten me through these experiences, has been the knowledge that if for some reason I finally snap, and end up quitting — I’ll at least have porn to fall back on. And back then, I might have had…
But today, it’s an oversaturated market. Everyone has an OnlyFans side hustle, and the category of “t-girl” or “shemale” isn’t quite what it used to be. What was once a spicey, taboo secret among straight boys is now an old hat, blasé legitimate mainstream category. Did you know that “trans porn” used to be the number one search of porn sites. We reigned supreme for many years, only now to be dethroned by… I dunno what exactly. Probably some sort of child bride hentai anime gore porn if today’s man is anything to go by, am I right ladies?!
The competition is unlike anything before. I look at these trans OnlyFans sites (link in comments) and see stunning trans women, proud of their genitalia and on full display for thousands of people online. They have twitter accounts that they use to promote themselves, which aren’t private — which could in theory be seen by any family member, any friend, any future employer. But they’re killing it.
The older I get, the more I see my chances of a porn career slipping away. If the comedy and the writing doesn’t work out, I’ll have to find a new plan b to fall back on. Maybe video essayist?
The greatest tragedy of all is, when I inevitably do get on OnlyFans (which as I stated before, is an inevitability — unavoidable and set motion from the very beginning) — I’ll be categorised under “Mature Ladies” before “Sexy T-Girls”.
By Jen Ives, 31 ½ years old.
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