Unscented Hatred

There is something in the air in the United Kingdom at the moment, like a gas leak.

I don’t know if other countries have it too, because I don’t live in other countries — but from what I see on the internet I’d guess America has something like it. It’s something that most cis people don’t seem to be able to smell, but trans people can. When I wake up in the morning, and look at my twitter — I can sense it. When I glance at the books in the top 10 in Waterstones, or scan through a newspaper someone left on the underground I can feel it’s stink radiating off the pages.

The TV studios that program news programs and political chats seem to be immersed in it’s invisible fog — and the radio too. I listen to podcasts I used to like, but I can feel it through my headphones. It has a sound, too. A low hum, audible only to a certain demographic.

The United Kingdom has always been a transphobic country. I remember reading cruel hate-pieces about us when I was a kid, and I remember how we were talked about in the media. It isn’t something you forget. But like all forms of bigotry, the longer it is around — the more sophisticated it gets. One thing I miss about those simpler times, was the brutal honesty of it all. Today, transphobia is more prevalent than ever before — except it’s disguised as “concern” for other marginalised groups. No one “hates” trans people. Hell, they’ll even say they “support” our individual choices. However, it’s clear — at least to me — that their vision of the future doesn’t include us at all. Our identities are a quirk that need to be discouraged. Weened out. Critiqued. Sex is real. You are not.

This will not be news to any trans person reading this. We know the smell — and to an extent we are used to it. But, even those who live next to a sewerage plant end up feeling ill and moving eventually.

I can tell that some of my cis friends can smell it, but I sometimes wonder if it bothers them as much — like how your dad doesn’t notice his own farts. I get support from them, there’s no question. But the truth is, I am struggling. Every day, I feel like a little part of my spirit is being eroded by my perception of public opinion. Of course, it’s always been my default to assume that most people are good, and sensible, and aren’t taken in by the “discourse”. But for me, right now, that simply isn’t enough to make me feel better.

One small, personal example: I see comedians & writers I grew up admiring who have chosen to stay silent despite some of their colleagues and friends saying horrendous things about trans people. They use “being a comedian” as a shield to avoid broaching the subject, instead choosing not to get involved because they feel it’s not their place. But these same people champion other causes, and call out others on their social media accounts.

I don’t know if this needs to be spelled out, but I feel like it does — life is still very difficult for trans people. It is still very difficult for me, and I am doing relatively ok compared to some. For me, society feels like a members only club that I can’t ever properly access. And on the rare occasion where I do get to visit, as a guest, I can definitely see people looking me up and down as if I don’t belong.

I don’t want to have to be your annoying carbon monoxide alarm, beeping every time someone advocates for trans people to be denied services or healthcare. I want you to smell it, too.