I Ran Into My Twin Flame
And told him to f*ck off.
You know those moments when you run into an old friend or co-worker and you both say your pleasantries; telling each other how you should hang out some time even though you both know that it’s never going to happen? You’re supposed to be nice and cordial in those moments. You’re supposed to show them your best self because god forbid anyone see you looking or saying your worst in a one-off conversation. I’ve had many of these moments and I’ve never had the balls to say what was really on my mind but, when it came to running into my Twin Flame, I mustered up the courage to be my most authentic self and it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.
I immediately regretted the moment that I moved into my Twin Flame’s neighborhood 2 months ago. I hastily agreed to move into an apartment that was less than advertised in the FaceTime call during the pandemic. The moment I entered the apartment, I wanted to cry. I sat in the “cleanest” corner of the living room and proceeded to sleep on the lounge chair every night until the carpet and the walls in my room had been cleared of black mold. Days after the clearing, I slept on the floor in my room, afraid to open my mattress to the stench of the place coming from the horror that was the kitchen. It was clear that I needed to move out as soon as possible.
The thought of moving out led to a reflection of why I’d moved there to begin with. The sad truth was that I wanted to be closer to my Twin Flame. I’d previously lived just a mile and a half away but it seemed like the space between us was too vast. Though I’d happily walk or ride up to where he lived in a heartbeat, we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. Paired with the fact that I needed to move out of my crowded apartment, I thought it was the perfect time to get closer.
I peeled my phone off of the sticky countertop of my dismal apartment and messaged my Twin Flame to catch up. He responded excitedly and we set out a day to meet up. It seemed as if we’d sparked up a good momentum and, for a moment, I thought that maybe I’d judged the apartment too quickly. I could make things work if I really tried, especially if the move could patch the relationship with my Twin Flame. But my rose colored glasses soon desaturated when the day finally came. I received a not so surprising message that he couldn’t make it and that we should reschedule. Based on many other instances over the years, a part of me expected it to happen and so my response was a cool, “All good”.
I looked around at what I’d unnecessarily put myself through and I saw that the universe was telling me to wake up. For a sleepy eyed lovebird like me, it was difficult to see that message until I was put into a less than pleasant situation that made me take a step back to look at what I’d done.
After much needed reflection, I set out to find an alternative space and, after a month of staying a beautiful Airbnb, I found an acceptable apartment right back where I started. I had no intention of moving back into his neighborhood but I found the perfect apartment at the right price that gave me the freedom of signing a month to month lease and I couldn’t pass it up.
I began to second guess myself just before I signed the lease. I kept thinking about the lesson that the universe was trying to teach me. I worried about falling back into the feeling of wanting to be close to my twin. I thought about being pulled deep into my lover’s remorse after yet another failed attempt that was bound to happen. I wondered if I had actually learned my lesson or if the lessons had only just begun. And, if I ran into my twin again, what would be my response?
The overwhelming anxiety of the what if’s almost kept me from saying yes to my new apartment until I began to think about everything I loved about the neighborhood. I stayed with my twin for the first month of my moving to LA and the neighborhood had been the place I wanted to live when I settled into the city. I was surrounded architecturally stunning houses, it was clean and green, close to the park and hiking trails, walkable and close enough to public transit and trendy shops. It was everything I wanted for myself in this city and I was finally getting it. This was something that I needed for myself, despite whatever was going on with my Twin Flame. This move was for me.
The day that I saw my Twin Flame again was a day of multiple signs pointing to the fact that it would happen. I saw his name, his dog’s name, and the name of his street; all while working from my new apartment. I took a deep breath knowing that the long awaited moment would come and I decided to go on a run around the neighborhood to clear my head. The sun was shining, the air was clear, and the neighbors were happily laying out on their lawns. It was a perfect day.
I ran into my twin in the spot that we’d often walked around together when we were close. My intuition was spot on. I gave him a long one-handed half moon wave and he pointed at me with a big smile. His dog greeted me loudly, jumping up and down and giving me kisses. My twin expressed his excitement for the fact that I’d moved into the neighborhood but paused for a moment when I noted how long it had been since we’d seen each other. Of course, he quickly recovered by saying that we should hang out sometime.
The first thing that came to mind was for me to tell him that I’d deleted his number but, instead, I simply said that we shouldn’t say things that we don’t mean and that I had to get back to my run. I turned around, put my headphones back in, and moved on; smiling in self-satisfaction.
All of those moments that I thought about being secure with him were nothing compared to the feeling of being secure within myself. This was me finally saying, “this is not for you, this is for me, and this is my neighborhood”.
The twin flame experience is about the complete purging of your former self and this was the moment that I’d been waiting for since the beginning. It was no longer about me hoping, dreaming, or waiting for someone to see me. It was about me finally seeing myself and my worth. It was truly an empowering moment that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
