May 2020: The Spiritual Awakening I Didn’t Know I Needed
The year 2020 began as every year had; beautiful and full of possibilities. It marked the second year of my living in Los Angeles and I coined it as “my year of gettin’ it”. My full time job, my stylish co-living space, and the amazing guy I was dating had me flourishing with everything I wanted and needed. Fast cut to May 2020: My life has been torn to pieces.
I’ve often told myself not to say the phrase that seems to inevitably create the opposite effect than was intended. This unbelievably explosive phrase is, “I am happy”. Somehow, saying these words sends a signal to the universe that says “stop everything you’re doing, she needs a wake up call”. Of course, this isn’t to say that I’m not allowed to be happy but there’s something about being content that effects some sort of universal flow and now that I’ve been thrust into the abyss that is my new reality, I feel the need to look back at what I had and why the universe may have felt that I needed a change.
Exhibit A: My stylish, membership based, co-living space.
With it’s awe inspiring designer furnishings, incredible events, daily cleaning crew, and friendships that seemed to blossom out of thin air, it was a dream come true. I’d always wanted to live in a communal space with like-minded people to explore and create new possibilities and this was the perfect place for me. I have a high standard of living and this was a clean and beautiful alternative to the dingy expensive apartments that I had toured when I first moved to L.A. We had everything; a movie theatre, a gym, an office space and we never really had to leave the house if we didn’t want to. For the first couple of months everything was the best it could have been but with new move ins brought new drama and, coupled with the ominous Covid-19 lockdown, it got worse.
The lockdown forced us all to get up close and personal every single day and, with no more events, new found tensions, inconsiderate loudness, little to no privacy, and the in-your-face mentality that surfaced, I realized that I could no longer stay in my once beloved community. It was time for me to move out and find my own place.
While looking for a new place, I had two criteria in mind: my own bedroom and my own bathroom. When I finally settled on a place that I had only seen via FaceTime due to social distancing, severe water damage, black mold, a dirty kitchen, a tiny shared bathroom, and sleeping on a lounge chair ensued. I felt like I was being punished.
Luckily, after many sleepless nights and days of pacing religiously, I found the right fit, in the right neighborhood, with the right roommate. It’s only a short sublet but it’ll do for now.
Exhibit B: My full-time job.
The day that I moved into my newer new apartment, I got the call. That call that everyone dreads when they’ve worked long and hard on their career path within a specific company. The call that says, “ you no longer have a job”. I worked at a production company as the head of my department. After freelancing on film and photography sets for around 6 years, I had the dream of settling down at one of those swanky new production companies with unlimited snacks and cool, important, meetings in their decked out conference rooms. Though I wasn’t producing in the way that I wanted, I finally found what I was looking for in this company and I was set with the short term career path of my choosing. But the constant stress of getting the job done, internal miscommunications, and the hour and a half long commute both ways took a tole on my ability to get other things done. My Youtube channel suffered, my writing suffered, and my overall mood when it came to finally creating something suffered. Things that were important to me that I wanted to do for myself were put on hold and, in retrospect, this really wasn’t the best fit for me. Now that I’m able to create my own schedule with my own work, I feel like I can finally breathe.
Exhibit C: The guy.
The day that I lost my job, I called the guy. He said he’d call me back. I waited and got nothing. I called the next day and got the same response. He was so sorry and meant to call but something came up. His immediate response was not to worry and that we’d figure this out together when he called “right back”. A few hours passed and I decided that I would no longer wait. I had been waiting for months for him to finally move to L.A. so that we could be together but it seems like the universe had other plans because every time he was set to move, something went wrong. Can anyone say Covid-19 lockdown c*ckblock? It turns out that he did call eventually, but instead of answering at the tip of a hat like I always had, I decided to let myself relax and watch a movie.
Things had been incredible in the beginning, as most all stories like this start. He was attentive, passionate, considerate, reliable… the list goes on. But once things got difficult, and the more we pushed for the hope that things would work out in the end, the less effort was made on his part and motivation to work things out evaporated until there was just a trickle of something to hold onto.
I kept thinking, “even though it’s not the most ideal situation, if I wait, everything will work out in the end”. But after being blatantly ignored during the most crucial time of my life, enough was enough. I had to think about what was happening in the now. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of not being able to be with the person that I wanted, that I’d find myself putting off my personal work and time for myself, waiting for those moments we’d be able to talk. It’s in those moments that I forgot about what I needed for myself which was to focus on me; to recognize my truth and to gain my autonomy.
After analyzing these three factors of my life, I realize that not only did they simply give me material fulfillment but they also kept me from living up to my full creative potential. My job made me too tired to create, the co-living space limited my ability to create, and the relationship distracted my creative process.
I’ve always wanted the ability to strike out on my own. To create, to write, to produce. Though I’ve always been willing to work for others, I’ve found myself resenting the fact that I was helping others make their dreams come true while ignoring my own. I would put others before myself when it came to work because I always saw them as having the vision and the means to get things done properly when, in reality, I had the means for myself but held myself back because of the nerve wracking fear of failure. That horrible fear has now subsided because I have failed and I have no choice but to move on, completely out of my comfort zone.
There’s a concept in Alchemy called “The Dark Knight of the Soul” where the alchemist, while experiencing their spiritual transformation, goes through a period of internal rot in order to rise up with a shiny new perspective in life. It’s when you’re at your lowest points in life that you find solutions you never thought would be possible. Who you were in the past, before you knew your full potential, dies like a phoenix before scraping through your own ashes to live your life anew. This is me, in this moment.
Though, throughout this entire process, I’ve felt the need to crawl under a rock and only come out for food and water, I think the best thing for me to do right now is to keep moving forward.
I’ve always looked toward the future. I’d say things like, “this year is going to be awesome,” and, “I can’t wait to see what happens,” but with my new perspective, I look forward to what I’m doing now and I know that my journey has only just begun. In the end, I really do think I’m getting what I wanted for myself this year and I see this entire crisis as a blessing in disguise. This truly is my year of gettin’ it.
