Belonging.
It is something that we all are subconsciously seeking, and something that took me the better part of my entire school career to find. Once I entered first grade, I was also part of the gifted program, continuing that in multiple forms throughout high school. I had teachers who expected me to jet automatically catch up with lessons while I was away, without much of the extra help. And for me, that seemed to make that gap drive just a little deeper, and not give me my sense of belonging. I felt as if I was under such high expectations to exceed from being labeled “gifted” that I was not truly happy. I was more of striving for a goal that I could never see, and one I could never reach.
Then came the dreaded years of middle school. Oh, middle school — a time where nobody really feels as if they fit in. For me, it was a time where I felt enclosed, as if I had this bubble around me, preventing me from seeming “normal”. I was in a program at my local middle school my sixth year, meaning I was kept separated from the local school population. The only students who I saw were those also in the program, and I only had the opportunity to interact with roughly twenty of them throughout that year.
Seventh and eighth grade yielded a better result; my school fully transitioned to a “specialty school”, and focused on STEM- the science, technology, engineering, and math programs. What this meant was that finally, as a gifted student, I felt more included. You see, all of our classes were the year above. Meaning we learned seventh and eighth grade material one year, then all ninth grade material eighth grade year. I was pleased by the change of pace, to a point where I did not feel singled out by leaving class, or by doing multiple extra assignments, but now I was fully a part of a class, a sense of belonging coming together.
Then came high school, hitting like a train full force. I transitioned to a public high school with only a part time specialty program, this time focusing on veterinary science. While with my program I felt as if I belonged, as if I finally found my space, that did not transfer to all of my other subjects. I stayed in mostly honors classes, and on top of that I was a year ahead in all my classes. What that meant for me was that some upper level students would walk in and see this freshmen in the class, and I would subsequently be avoided by them, just for existing. The second group projects came, of course, I was always a popular pick. But besides that, I felt as if that gap was coming back, growing larger and larger every day until it started to look more like a ravine.
I tried my best to fill the gap, I joined multiple clubs (some years I was in up to 6–7, and in a leadership position for 2–3), volunteered as much as I could, joined an internship program, and raised guide dogs. I was doing all of this on top of my honors and AP class load, and trying to find the places I belonged. With one of my clubs, FFA, or future farmers of America, I felt that I belonged, but only to an extent. Sure, I joined the program because if you were a veterinary science (VS) student, you had to. But I truly did enjoy it. I got along well with my teachers who advised, and with the younger members.
However, that did not always last. During my sophomore year a girl I knew ran for state. She was using a loophole to run, and was try to work her way around so that she could be a state officer. For me, I was always afraid of getting in trouble, and being told I could no longer do any of my activities. Because of this, I emailed a local leader of my district and asked him if it was allowed, as no matter what, the teacher who was in charge of this would pick the other girls side over mine, and this had been proven countless times. They launched a minor investigation into my chapter, and subsequently my teacher became quite mad at me, even though The girl was allowed to compete, and run with no consequences. The issue that I found from that however, was that if there is nothing to hide, it would not reflect badly into our school. Whenever stuff like this occurred, the admin more preferred people to tell and find out nothing was wrong later. No harm, no foul. The only long term problem that hit me was my senior year, when I ran for president as the only four year member, I was glanced over for a girl with lesser qualifications.
In the end, my sense of belonging switched sides so many times, even though I had no idea where I was at some points. In the end my place never fully developed, but I know that it is there, and now in college I can hope to find my proper place once more, whether through a group of people, a club, sorority, or something completely different, there’s something on every section of the scale for me to try and find my belonging.
