How to Love Yourself when your Body Hates You

We often never think twice about the sacrifices our bodies make in order to sustain us throughout our everyday lives and activities. Most of us eat what we want, drink what we please, and live the way we desire and expect our bodies to adjust. But what happens when it doesn’t? What do you do when your body no longer supports the lifestyle you once knew?

I had to ask myself this when I was diagnosed with systemic lupus a year ago. Prior to my diagnosis, I never once thought about how I was treating my body. My mom would always tell me, “It won’t be like this forever, your body will catch up with you.” But I bet she never thought it would catch up to me like this. I went from being an averagely healthy girl to a girl whose body was attacking itself with no rhyme or reason. I thought, “my body hates me.” I mean, what else could be the reason? I gained 40lbs due to the side affects of prednisone, my joints were inflamed and I had a butterfly rash stretching across my face…my body had to have hated me. To make matters worse, I was diagnosed over the summer and I had to start my senior year of high school dressed with the side affects of medication I had never taken before. I was bullied, looked at funny, and shunned by my peers. I looked in the mirror everyday and hated myself, the way I looked, and what my body was doing to me.

I looked in the mirror everyday and hated myself, the way I looked, and what my body was doing to me.

One day, after being tormented at my first ever high school party, I came home and cried to my parents. I cried because I was tired of being treated so differently simply because I looked different. I cried because I had a disease that was tearing me up mentally, physically, and spiritually. I cried because I was tired of being tired. This was the night I decided I wasn’t going to let my diagnosis define me and how I felt about myself.

While it’s been a work in progress, these are some steps I take everyday towards loving myself and embracing my new normal:

1. Positive Affirmations: Every morning when I wake up, I look in the mirror at myself in my purest form and thank God for my body, my mind, and soul. I tell myself that the day is going to be great and that I’m going to be great no matter what.
2. Take Pictures: I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. When my looks first began to change, I didn't even want to look at myself let alone take pictures. But forcing myself (and others) to take pictures of me has made me feel so much better. In the beginning, I never liked how I looked in them, but as time progressed I learned to love the woman I was looking at.
3. Knowing it could be worse: I know it sounds like a cliché, but my mom always says, “it could be worse” and I never really thought about that until I was diagnosed. Every time I’m having a flare-up and I feel really down, I always remember my mothers voice. Yes, I feel awful right now, but I’m so thankful that I can still get up and walk to class. Yes, I have a rash on my face, but I’m blessed I don't have a rash anywhere else. Yes, there are sores in my mouth but I am beyond grateful I can still eat on my own. Thinking of little things like this make getting through this period in my life a little easier.

In essence, for all men and women out there going through a tough time in their lives where they feel insecure about how they look and feel, know you are not alone. WE are stronger than WE think and WE will get through whatever challenges WE face. This feeling is not forever.