2016 In My Fucking Excellent Looks
2016 was a banner year for comeback kids and unlikely breakout stars alike: Kermit the Frog reemerged as a meme favorite, an elderly dysprosody sufferer who used to play the meanest HR guy on reality TV show The Recruit became the president-elect, and the heretofore pariahs of the flame world, dumpster fires, replaced fire emojis as the premiere pyro-symbol of choice among America’s commentariat, and Mesa Verde Middle School’s 1999 selection for “Best Dressed” in the yearbook, Alana Massey (that is me), at last returned to her former glory in embodying the “what if vain but also a cheap slob, but we make it fashion?” ethic.
So first, I wrote this piece for Nylon about how to use TheRealReal for maximum deals on designer consignment and the slideshow of me in my outfits made me drunk with fashion power but like, I barely scraped the surface of the hot outfits and hotter deals I got this year.
Look 1: Baba Yaga: The Younger Years, cape by Vilshenko
Let’s get this out of the way early, the most important thing that happened is I got a Russian cape and now I can lure impressionable children to my woodland retreat and eat them. I pre-ordered it in a Vilshenko trunksale on Moda Operandi which means I paid half upfront and they sent it six months later after it had been produced according to the number of orders. Moda Operandi is a site that must be used sparingly because it is often expensive as fuck but right now there is a HUGE sale there, including these Vilshenko items.
Look 2: Rainbow Brite Comes To Brooklyn, Goes Swimming
I always wanted to dress as a human popsicle, I got this Mara Hoffman crocheted swimsuit. It was the most expensive swimwear I’ve ever bought at $200 but I’ve worn the devil out of it. Yes, part of my reason for posting it is that I want to demonstrate how good my butt looks in it. It is sold out, but there is lots of Mara Hoffman swimwear on sale here. Dream of summer!
Look 3: Dolores Umbridge, The Hot Years
I got this tweed Dolce & Gabbana suit from TheRealReal for $230 dollars, original MSRP was $2000. I don’t have a ton of opportunities to wear suits but lord, when I do, I make a statement with this one. And that statement is, “I am both incredibly demure but also ready to dodge bullets as our presidential motorcade comes through.” The pieces work well separately too!
Look 4: Don’t Bother Her Kids, Your Stepmother Is Preparing To Hunt
A friend from my old church is the brilliant mind behind the Kal Rieman fashion line and when this went on sale last winter, I jumped on it, along with some other cool androgynous gear that veers feminine on me because I am part Kewpie doll. Her latest collection is 😍😍😍.
Look 5: Dress Details That Matches The Tortured Webs We Weave
I wanted to get rid of all my little black dresses once this came into my life, but I didn’t have to, for they had all fled in shame.
Look 6: Southern Gothic Slob
I usually hate this shit but it is rare that you see decent Flannery O’Connor novelty wear so I jumped on it. Love to have that sour genius kinda touching my boobs.
Look 7: Cannes You Handle It?
Circumstances that I still don’t entirely understand involved me being sent to the Cannes Film Festival on a brand’s dime but I had to get my own dress…SO I GOT ONE WITH A BIG SLIT AND A PLUNGING NECKLINE CALLED THE FRANCESCA DRESS FROM THE REFORMATION. That’s me on the red carpet, trying my best not to scream at Vigo Mortensen. What a time!
Look 8: Oh My Lord In Hades Above
It’s a bomber jacket with a big gay devil on it from Kenneth Anger! What more is there to say? OH THERE IS MUCH MORE TO SAY. Like how two hours after I posted this photo, Taylor Swift posted her own bootleg version on Instagram because she is like, obsessed, with me.
Look 9: A Bitch Who Lives Her Brand
So this was my first purchase of 2016, it is a metallic Prada dress that was orignally $2600 that I got for $183 on TheRealReal and have proceeded to wear approximately a bajillion times. It was the inspiration behind my book cover, which I insisted would be COVERED in gold glitter and now it is.
Look 10: The “I Like To Wear Domme Inspired Boots But I’m Too Embarrassed To Look At the Camera In Them”
These Miu Miu boots are a pain in the calf to get in and out of but they are well worth it because well, look at the goddamn photo. Jeez.
Looks 11–16: Lunatic At Home, Doing Leisure
Space T-shirst from Zara! Flower skirts from the same! We’ve got sparkly bikini tops from Tik Tak Toe and kids section space pants from Rainbow! We have a fancy dress that looks wild! We got Grandad sweaters! A sloth stripper sweater accompanied by customized sparkly boots from Shoes of Prey! This is how I dress around my house, for better or worse.
Life is short, dress fun.
